I started to write my Morning Pages again, even if I usually don’t write them first thing in the morning (so how should I call these ? I should find it another name…) These 3 pages of free writing, without taking care of the meaning, of the form, of the potential mistakes helps me a lot to pull out thoughts off my head. And sometimes I cheat a little because I re-read despite the fact that Julia Cameron advises not to do so before a certain amount of time (7 weeks ? I have to check). I really do huge discoveries about myself, it brings stuff into focus; this exercice is really what I need currently and I’m glad I started it again (and don’t blame myself anymore when I miss a day).
My Morning Pages paired with today’s Connie‘s blogpost just made KABOOOOOOOOOOM in my mind.
Indeed, this week I noticed a pattern of thinking: why do I not share more my Art Journal pages ? And I finally understood why ! Here is partly what I wrote earlier this morning (it was in French so I translate):
My style is special because I am someone peculiar. I have my paradoxes. I am made of Darkness and of Light. Today, light predominates but it was not like this a few years ago; and sometimes Darkness takes over again. I drown into it, I’m like in a bubble filled with water, I move over the course of its flow but I stay grounded in the bottom. Until the day the bubble bursts as if nothing happened, and so I see the Light again. It’s how I work. For a long time I fought and wanted to go against cuntercurrent of my life, chasing the Spleen and wanting absolutely to be somebody else. But it was vain because it’s not the best. It was like I was fighting against windmill during a major tempest… I am affraid to let people see this dark side of me, whereas it now coexist nearly perfectly with my luminous side; they’re in me side by side.
I longly hesitated before sharing these words with you but felt like it was something I had to do.
A lot of my pages are… weird. I love them mucho but because of the fear of being judged, of people thinking “she should be in a mental institute, she’s totally depressed”, I kept them all for myself and my very close circle. It’s now time for me to share who I am with the World, and not who I think people would like me to be. I don’t deny my paradoxes and my past anymore.
So I’ll try to overcome this fear and to share more of who I am via my art journal pages 🙂