My ah-ah moments often come when I do not expect them anymore (in the shower. in the car…). When I am *this* close to giving up something.
I was writing this from the balcony of our hotel room in Bear Mountain, not too far from Victoria BC. This is the second leg of our Summer family vacations, the first actual real time away in a very long time.
While I was preparing my breakfast this morning, I realized that this time away from home, away from our routine, is giving me a clearer vision of what I want my life to be. What I want my life to look like. What I want my life to feel. I guess we forget too easily that our life is more about how we feel than anything else. The gut feeling gets under-rated.
For the past month (or more if I am being real with myself) I have been unhappy. lost. sad. lonely. doubtful. on the verge of falling too deep into this darkness I have became so good at pushing away when looming over me.
This time away is bringing me back to myself.
It sounds so cheezy but it is so darn true. I swam and jumped into waves in the ocean for the first time in a decade. I breathe the salty air in, taking all the joy it brings directly into my Soul, making it last as long as possible so my cells remember. I exhale all these doubts about what my Soul came here in this lifetime to learn, to share, to be.
I am here, now, and this is all that matters for real.
I believe our life is made of our choices and their consequences. Every single day is made of a multitude of them, and I am not talking just about the big decisions, but even the smaller ones, the ones that seem importantless. To me, this is how our life is created. It is both amazing and scary, when I really think about it because it means that I am the sailor of my boat, not the Universe (it is always always easier to blame it on someone else’s shoulders, right ?). And this is one of my Universal Truth (each and everyone of us have those, and they vary from me to you etc).
My husband and I are now in the process of visionning together and bringing the life we truly want. I am used to do the work alone, so this is new and exciting and scary to voice out loud my deepest desires. But I know I am safe with him, I know we are what they call “a power couple” once we tap into this well of infinite energy.
I decided to flip my thoughts and my feelings to see what happens.
After looking at this self-portrait, I told my husband “hmm it is weird how I noticed that the self-portraits I take when we were at the ocean and this one shows someone that feels physically so different than the self-portraits I snap at home”; to which he replied “because you are. here you are the happier you, I have not seen you laughing and being yourself as much as you were when jumping and swimming in the waves in a very long time. and it shows.” And I guess he is right. He is right. And I want to bottle these feelings, so I can be that Nolwenn every single day, so I can decide every morning when I wake up that it will be another amazing day somehow. I am not my circumstances (more on that later).
And now I am back and have work to do (it is so exciting ! I have some cool announcements to do in the next couple weeks 😀 so stay tuned).