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DISCLAIMER: This is quite a long-ass blogpost, I apologize for having so much things to say in this subject.

Receiving a diagnosis as being neurodivergent helped me understand my creativity better… Does it sound crazy? Meh. Maybe…

July 31^st, 2011. It’s the date of my first official diagnosis. My fear was real: I do have Fibromyalgia. I was “lucky” enough to have friends living with this and to be able to ask them questions. After months of constant pain and exhaustion, after advocating for myself that indeed, it was not “just being a parent of young children“. When you know… you know. And I was sure something was not right in my body. So I talked to my then-doctor about my suspicions. Once again, I know I was one of the lucky ones. My doctor believed me. My doctor did all the tests to rule out any other possible illness (usually, you have to check if it is not arthritis and stuff like this). She knew the trigger points to check etc.
You know, Fibromyalgia belongs to the “syndrome” category: if this is not X or Y or Z, then okay it is Fibromyalgia.

2020 is also the year my therapist was positive about one thing: I am gifted. Did I kinda laughed at her face? Maybe… yes, yes I did laugh at her face, asking “ahah, my husband and my daughter are gifted. Trust me, I am so no like them! you are wrong here”. Then, she had me do several tests etc and the results were all the same. I am no Einstein, but well, my brain works in the same ways as the brain of gifted people in many many ways.

About Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain and spinal cord process painful and nonpainful signals.

Source: Mayo Clinic

⚡️Something strange I have noticed over the years is that I am not feeling the pain as much when I am painting or creating. I guess it might simply be because I get lost in what I am doing? For a while, I used to go to my Studio and work in my art journal just so I could have some relief from the non-stop pain.
Fibromyalgia teaches me to be in my body (well, it does not really give me the choice, actually). When I paint, I stand. And it became an entirely different experience once my body was constantly yelling at me.
Additionally, suffering from this state of never-ending exhaustion forces me to listen to it. I am a pusher. A go-getter. Most of the time anyway… But there are still days when getting out of bed takes all my energy. So in regards to my creative life, I had to accept that it is okay to have days without painting. Days where creativity takes another face than being in my Studio. This is huge, still now. I need to remind myself that I have permission to press pause now and then.

ADD as an adult AND as a woman

This is crazy and cliché but it took me a very long time to realize it might be something affecting me as well. Apparently, this is common for adults to realize they might suffer from AD(H)D only once parent of a child with it. How come? Because we might recognize our behaviour and struggle in them, but also because it’s apparently hereditary…

My general practitioner doctor in Québec is the one officially diagnosing me. I think I will try to talk to my new doctor here to see how I can manage it better.
And (do not judge) TikTok also helped even more. Because on this platform, people talk about it freely. Both doctors and people living with it. I realized that they were reasons why my brain is working the way it does. But more importantly, it brought to me the truth that others suffer from this as well. Plus, there are healthy ways to cope… I am always coming back to figuring out healthier coping mechanisms than the ones I have been using for decades now.

⚡️2020 is the year my general practitioner doc did acknowledge my difficulty to focus. There were so many symptoms, he agreed that I have an attention deficit disorder. Over the years, I really thought I was going crazy. It is impossible to focus on a task, my brain going in so many different directions at once it was/is overwhelming. Always starting too many projects at once but having trouble finishing any. And these are just quick examples that come to mind.

Creatively, I get bored very easily. I guess that when I become obsessed with either a technique or an art supply, I will exhaust all I can do with it over and over. But then, I move on to something else (or go back to a previous obsession). I never can work on one project at a time, I NEED to work on several paintings, on a journal page, on so many different areas of creativity. My brain seems to connect more when my hands are used in different ways.
My impulsivity will have me buy all the colours of that product, or do all the techniques found about this specific project… I have to admit this led to me hoarding art supplies for a while. In hindsight, I know this was a crazy time. I have to have long discussions with myself about not needing to have it all or to do it all. The fear that it won’t be available anymore and thoughts like that were constant in my mind.
For a long time, I felt guilty to function this way. Until the moment I read about how this is normal for someone living with ADD to act that way.

Never forget being a highly sensitive person!

Novotni* suggests that it is the tendency of people with ADHD to feel overwhelmed that leads to their hypersensitive reactions. This, in turn, contributes to their difficulty in coping emotionally.

*Michelle Novotni is a psychologist and ADHD coach.
Source: Attitude mag

According to my close family, I was a crybaby. They would also tell you I react quickly and with a lot of intensity. This is something that, unknowingly, impacted me a lot. I talked too much, I talked too fast, I talked too loudly.
I was always feeling like I was different and learned how to adapt my behaviour regarding whom I was with.
As a teen, I noticed how easily overwhelmed I often was. Our culture does not normalize being sensitive, being empathetic. But in hindsight, I now see it as a superpower.
Creatively speaking, this sensitivity transpires in the faces that appear, in the colours I am attracted to, the textures I build within layers.

I should not really be on the computer because my arm fucking hurts from the position to type. However, I am fed up with myself throwing pity parties because I am in physical pain, in emotional distress. I can’t seem to shake it off from my system.
Coming here, putting words on it, is one of my usual coping mechanisms…

It’s been months of hurting now (I started to think it was not fibro pain around August 2019 and it took a turn for the worse in September, around my birthday). My arm started to act up about a month after I began working as a sushi prep cook. But because I hate stopping or slowing down (it comes down to admitting that something is wrong), I suffered in silence and kept at it. Until it was too late. It was impossible to move my arm without my shoulder and my elbow feeling like they were on fire. Or like someone was stabbing me and other kinds of joyful pain. I consulted in an emergency clinic and got the diagnosis that it is a double tendinitis/capsulitis (frozen shoulder). I had to quit my job (which I now go back to for about two-three days a week).

It’s gonna be okay, isn’t it?

My body makes me feel worthless. I envy people who are living their lives unaware of their flesh envelope. There is not a second I am not reminded something is wrong with mine. But you know what? I am making peace with it. To accept that this is my new normal and that it does not define me 100%.
I hate it when my boss tells me “if you’re not capable, then you’re not capable” even though the meaning behind it is different in québecois than it is in french… It hurts, every day. I had two cortisone infiltration in my shoulder and none of them really helped. All the doctors I have seen about it are clear: the only way to make it better is to quit my job, because it’s the reason why my arm keeps doing the same hurtful movements, again and again. But I am not a quitter.

I have learned to suck it up. I feel betrayed by my body, again. However, I am the one living with it and the one making the decisions: I don’t want it to have even more control over my life…
Adjusting to this new pain is fucking hard and frustrating but life must go on anyway.

I start everything I do with a feeling, an intention.

This is at the core of my creative practice, and I could even say of my life. Because I do start cooking with the intention of nourishing my body and showing my people how much I care for them. Because intention is the seed of everything.

Lately, I have been more daring regarding my decisions. Going to places that scare me. Doing things way outside of my comfort zone. Because I learned that it is so beautiful outside this zone of “I know what’s happening. I have control over it”.

Find that nugget of Joy

I won’t tell you this is an easy task, but once you know how to tap into this well, you won’t look back. It can be anything, really. And it does not have to be something huge.

For me, Joy appears when I get messy in my art journal, letting myself be guided.

For me, Joy appears when I walk the dog in the sunshine.

For me, Joy appears when I am pushing my body’s limits during a workout.

For me, Joy appears when a loved one hugs me out of the blue.

For me, Joy appears when I get lost in a fantastic book.

Everything is weaved together

Have you ever noticed how much how you feel when you wake up in the morning will influence the rest of your day ? Yup, I guess we have all been there.

Take the time your Soul needs to replenish. You deserve it ! It took me a very long period to accept this Truth. And it still not something automatic even when I know, deep in my guts, that my body and/our my soul need the downtime and the love.

When I nourish my body with plant-based food, it makes everything else click together. When I lose myself in my creative practice, I am happier. Stress seems to disappear for a while. Same goes with inflammation caused by my fibromyalgia.

This is crazy ! But make yourself a priority.

 

 

 

Hello hello !

Today, I wanted to share with you this journey I embarked on on July 2nd. After a while of consideration, and some good (and not so good) planning, I am in the middle of doing something called the Whole30.

I know you might wonder why I am sharing this on this space when it is not directly linked with anything creative but… it kind of is. See, being fully in my body, embracing who I am is part of my creative journey. And food is a side of creativity as anything else (and trust me, doing this challenge does require being creative, you’ll read why in a moment).

You may know by now that I have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia almost three years ago now. 
Fibromyalgia causes a general inflammation in the entire body, with flare ups coming and going as it pleases them. Plus the sharp pain that comes when it wants, where it wants, and the fatigue that sometimes peaks… no fun. 
There are days I can barely move because even breathing hurts somehow. There are some days I just want to give up (no not die), and just lay in bed until it is over and until a better day comes. 
But this year, I decided it was time to get back to who I am, to my true self. And to get there, it means I need to instore a good self-care policy.

What the heck is Whole30 ?

There is chances you have no clue what I’m about to talk about so here is a quick round up of what it is.

The Whole30 is an elimination diet (diet in the sense it has a time frame), I am doing to understand the correlation between the food I eat and the inflammation level in my body. It was created in 2009 by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig. They both have background in either nutrition or physiology/anatomy. You can learn more about how they came up with this Whole30 thing and created their Whole9 business in their book, It starts with food.

By now, you have probably heard about the Paleo diet. Well, Whole30 is basically a Paleo diet put to the extreme (I like to torture myself like that, yes).

You stop eating the following:

• Grains (includes: rice, wheat, couscous, quinow, buckwheat, spelt, oats, corn, bulgur, etc. and the starch from them also).
• Sugar (includes white sugar, agave syrup, honey, stevia, brown sugar, maple syrup, Splenda, coconut sugar etc.).
• Dairy.
• Legumes (yup… no beans). It means none of their derivated products either such as tofu, tempeh, humus, miso… no soy sauce either, and no peanuts.
• All kinds of white potatoes (but sweet potato is your friend).
• No alcohol, not even for cooking (but vinegars like red wine vinegar are okay).

Another important point (which may be the hardest for me…): you do not step on a scale during the entire challenge. Nor do you measure yourself *silent scream*. This is because this challenge is not about losing weight, even if there are chances that weight loss will actually occur.

It IS a lot to get rid of in your diet at the same time, I hear you. But it is only for 30 days, not more (well, you technically could. Some person do a Whole45 for example). It is intimidating and this is why planning it in advance is key to your success. Know what you can eat, know the food you have available in your home that won’t compromise your will power.

Why am I doing it ?

I have several reasons, to be honest.

First, as I told you: I need to see if eliminating certain foods can help with my health. Because I can go on like this. There is no cure to Fibromyalgia, but I am a firm believer that there is a link between what we put in our body, and how it responds to it.

Then, I have determination issues. I am aware of it. I can slip easily, find excuse even when I know they are excuses, and then the guilt tags along and I beat myself up for not comitting enough. Doing this is also a good way to prove to myself that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to, no matter how hard I some days want to give up, or how temptation to fail is everywhere if I focus on it.

Hold on, in part 2 I will share what I eat, the good and the «bad» I see in this challenge and what I envision for my «after»…

It is no secret I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia almost three years ago now. If you are not familiar with it, fibromyalgia is a widespread pain disease. It means that the nervous system is not sending/receiving pain signals properly and something that would be felt as «moderate» pain might probably be difficult to bear for someone with fibromyalgia. 

To make it simple: my nervous system decided it would be fun to get fucked up…

However, I know how lucky I have been in all the diagnosis process. Having friends suffering from it helped me to detect the signs. There were too many similarities between them and what I was going through (non-stop exhaustion like never before, and all my bones on fire were the two of the major factors) so I was able, after several months, to go to my doctor and tell her honestly «I am going through this and this and this (…), I think it may be fibromyalgia.» And I was right.

Suffering of a chronic disease, when it is something that you have not known for all your life but that kind of struck you and you know the chances of it going away are almost inexistant, is a game changer. Whatever the said disease or syndrom is.

How does Fibromyalgia is linked with my creativity ? you may ask. Well… when your body is in constant pain, it goes everywhere. I am discovering pain in a new light, as before fibromyalgia I was quite resilient to it and even after three years, I have a hard time just accepting that the way my body knows pain is now different. My hands have started to hurt badly, burning sensation, stabbing sensations in the wrists and fingers, it sometimes contracts and hurt like hell. This is when I am overjoyed to have practiced painting with my non-dominant hand. And I do practice using both my hands more equally, just in case one goes really bad eventually. Strangely, when I create, whether it is on a small 8×10” or on a bigger 30×30” one, I get to that place I guess when my body is just the shelter of my essence and I don’t feel any pain at all, until I stop. My shoulders and collar bones are not this big ball of fire anymore. I am in a flow…

I sketch more because I can do it on the couch when I have no other choice than move as little as possible.

There is so much I could say about how dealing with fibromyalgia is now part of what I create, every single time I paint, but I feel like I am more babbling than sharing so I will stop there.

And I will leave you with a bit of lyrics from the Rap God, Eminem. This song came out in my playlist while I was doing my morning walk. It is taken out of context but it just told me it needed to join this blogpost because they fit.

But you won’t break me
You’ll just make me stronger than I was
Before I met you, I’ll bet you I’ll be just fine without you
And if I stumble, I won’t crumble
I’ll get back up and uhhh
And I’mma still be humble when I scream, "Fuck you!"
Cause I’m stronger than I was.