… because yes, I AM an ARTIST. Now, even if it is still hard to admit it, I am more confident with that fact. Anyway.
It’s totally crazy to see how my mood can be near to euphoria and then totally blue (sometimes, it’s deeper that a brief blue moment). It can be seen in my Art Journal very clearly indeed: grey dark pages follow colorful ones, depending on how I feel.
It’s hard and I’m pretty sure that only a therapy would help me to clear all this out. I dig deeper and deeper and do a great job by myself but it’s simply not enough. I don’t find every single key I need.
For example: here (at left) is a very simple page I made (acrylic paint background, collage, I made her hair thanks to the embossing Versamarker pen and ZING! embossing powders (by American Craft which are really fun to play with); this page is kinda positive (the journaling sentence came by itself): “She looks around her and see the beauty of the World, so she smiles.” Click to enlarge the picture.
My journal is a large one (A4 size, which is about 21cm by 30cm) so it comes sometimes that the left page and the right one do not have anything in common. That’s how my orange smiley page is close to a darker one…: 
Mila (that’s the name my older daughter gave her). The page is not finished yet, I still have to work on the background, draw again the bubbles that link Mila to her Ghost and give some shape to the tree…
Sometimes, I sincerely wonder if I don’t suffer of bi-polar syndrom, except I don’t have maniac phases so I don’t think this is it. Everybody experiences these phases when you laugh and cry, but I can’t bear it anymore, it happens too often.
I can’t wait to close this first Creative Journal and be able to see my evolution through the pages, happy moments as the ones full of doubts, anger, sorrow, misanderstanding…
I realize that I REALLY want an artistic professional life; but it involves time, space and money and I don’t have all that. I sacrifice many things but it does not seem to be enough. Never. Enough.
Art supply is very expensive and I don’t earn money to my family. I don’t know if people would be interested in buying prints of what I create (or maybe original work as well). I wonder if my double personnality is a force or a weakness. What do you think ? So I don’t have a personal style clearly defined because I can draw something really joyful as far as something really darker (even if I realize that my “dark” painting have all a hope sign in it).
I would love people to find theirselves in my art, that it speaks to their soul as it speaks to mine while I create it (or that they interpret it their own way)…
I learn, forever and always, and I love it ! So my art evolves. And I don’t think it’s that bad actually.
I feel totally transparent…
