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I’m feeling very cranky today. Like «leave me alone I don’t want to see and talk to anybody» cranky (and alone is not happening before September).

But as I don’t like complaining too much and decided that my Intentions needed to be actively shifted into Actions, I wanted to apply it to my thoughts AND feelings (I am crazy like that sometimes…).

It is easier to surrender to the negativity that sometimes surround ourselves, in and out, than seeking a way out. It is just how we are made.

Since I signed up for Micki Wilde (aka The Secret Hermit)’s first online class «Paint Happy», something shifted. Not only she opens up about her really good techniques, but she also shares some of her way of seeing life in general, and her class’ name is resuming it perfectly: Paint the happy.

It’s about finding this inner happy place, where the positivity lays. Where the best of you is waiting for you to pull it out into your reality.

Micki is an amazing teacher, and I can’t wait to learn more about that new online class she has been working on. Soon !

She is a constant source of inspiration. Her art resonates deeply with me, and pushes me to accept the simply truth: you can stay true to yourself while stepping out of what people expect you to create and still keep painting happy.

For a couple of months, I have been thinking about it: I need to cultivate the Happy. Duh ! If only it was that easy, don’t you think ?

I cultivate the Happy when
I look up at the Sky. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I let myself be guided. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I let myself be hugged by my Loved Ones. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I lose myself in a good book. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I cook & eat a meal I really enjoy. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I take a hot bath with a candle. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I play a board game with the Withchlets & my Love. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I paint. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I burn a candle and some incense. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I go for a while near the water. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I watch for the Moon. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I eat Jelly Belly candies, sorting the ones I don’t like and always wondering if the red one is a cinnamon or not. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I eat Japanese food. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I reach out to a friend. 
I cultivate the Happy when
I take self-portraits and shots the everyday life (in pics, in words, in videos). 
I cultivate the Happy when
I put that lipstick I love on.

I just cultivate the Happy, from now on.

What do you do, so you find yourself in this inner happy place ? I would love to know 🙂

(I apologize in advance if this blogpost makes no sense. I am in a brain fog kind of state today but really wanted to share this)

I am filled with new intentions. I check in with the ones I had at the beginning of the year, and felt like it was time for me to readjust and to celebrate the steps I did make forward.

I have an habit of thinking a lot, of internalize everything, decompose stuff so I understand every bits of it… and then, it stays at the thought form. It is hard for me to transform my Intentions into Actions. I have a new guiding word (that I add to the current one), and will share more about it very soon. I still need to let it sit before.

I am now taking Pixie Campbell’s online class called Visual Quest. It is focused on the creative process to listen to the Inner Voices, and using Shamanic journeying to tap into different Realms of consciousness to access to our Spirit Guides.

Totem animals have always been by my side, and Shamanism on my radar. I have several books about it, and I know it is time to dig deeper. And deeper.

Here is what Pixie says:

Sharing My Practice :: Honoring the Medicine
This class is a convergence of everything I know about spirit and art all rolled into one. Creative living and spiritual practice  represents all that’s mysterious, alive and juicy in every one of us. I’ve been painting for twenty-three years, and I’ve watched my practice become more reflective of my deep Self, and less of my ‘ideas’ about what would make a good painting. This freeing process is release, it’s color and spirit in motion, it’s a deep embrace of What Is, and an intentional honoring of life itself.

Because nothing happen by coincidence, I know this is the perfect timing for me and my new creative journey.

As I told you, I am deep into Soul Work, finding my way. And as Spirituality and Creativity are tightly intertwined, I am working on both.

I am currently struggling, but my dear friend Lynda suggested something to help me get out of my phunk: I write techniques and themes I want to try and play with, put that in a bowl and when I am in a idontknowwhattodoanymore moment, I just fish one and go from there.

But first, I will clear out my space. My Studio seems to crowded (if you ever came to my place, you know that I could open a store with all I’ve got). So I am planning to create some «goodie bags» with what I know I will never use, and put that for sale.

As I said yesterday, art is my major healing practice. With Love. It is only when I paint or play in my Art Journal that I finally stop being the exhausted mess I am otherwise.

But honestly, it’s been a week of «I am lost» and «I don’t know what to do anymore». It’s been a week of no painting or almost because the one I started was is getting nowhere and I got very very frustrated with it. I let my Mind take control instead of silencing it as I usually do.
So I meditate, I find myself reading again books I’ve forgotten, writing a lot, trying to decipher how to get where I know I will be. I know the destination but not the path to get there. Not yet. Not exactly. But I will find my way.

«Listen to the Calling», print available

It’s been 2 years exactly today that my doctor announced me that yes, it was Fibro(myalgia) that was knocking me down and burning my bones.

Maybe you don’t know what Fibromyalgia is, here is what Mayoclinic.com says about it:

Fibromyalgia is a disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, sleep, memory and mood issues. Researchers believe that fibromyalgia amplifies painful sensations by affecting the way your brain processes pain signals.

Yep. I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind too, in addition of being a physical mess. I don’t like telling people because I don’t want their pity. This look in their eyes. But I notice how with time, more and more people tell me «oh I know somebody else who has it !». Because yes, it is becoming more common. Unfortunately.

I am lucky my husband has a very good health insurance through his work, that allows me a regular follow up with my doctor, and pays for my meds (when I learned how much it was for a month… I felt more blessed than ever before).

You know that for me, writing (unsent) letters is one of the ways I deal with emotions. My life with Fibro is no different.

Dear Fibromyalgia,

Officially two years ago, Dr P. did the trigger points test on me. After other tests, blood works, plenty of questions, these points were the last step to know if it was you or not. Before that, it’s been months of exhaustion; the kind that keeps you from sleeping even if you are tired as Hell and you wake up more tired than when you went to bed. Months of excruciating pain, burning bones and you know what else. It put my marriage a bit on a rocky road because I refused to think it was just me being tired because of the everyday life, I knew there was something else going on. I know that my tendency to look on the internet for what symptoms could be is such a bad habit and it did not help for sure. The good thing is (well… everything is relative, right ?), that I had friends suffering from you and knew the symptoms. I had friends to turn to with my questions and fears (thank you Samie).
I felt relieved when my doctor told me that yes, it was you. Because it meant I was not crazy, because it meant that I was not inventing that pain knocking me down everyday. It was not all in my head after all…

Thanks to you, I learned that I can trust doctors, some are really there to help and to do all they can to find solutions. Dr P. looked for answers, she replied to all of my obvious and weird questions about Fibromyalgia because she saw how bad of a shape I was in. Despite us moving far from her office, I keep her because she knows about you, about my journey with you, and it is very important to me. I am aware they are not all like her.

Coincidence being what it is, the announce was precisely two days before my appointment at the tattoo parlor. I did not know yet the meaning it would take in my life. The pain I was in was horrifying though, and made the tattoo more difficult than it should have been.

Thanks to you, I learn to listen to what my body tells me. I am not there yet, but I am getting better at slowing down and I find new ways of doing things differently.

Thanks to you, I learn a lot. When I thought that my pregnancies actually were my greatest teachers about my body, you proved me wrong. I feel pain in places I did not even know we could feel pain there. I feel pain for no reason; when you hurt your knee to the table foot at least, you know why you scream. With you… no concrete reason. I wish I was a scientific doing research on where you come from and how to help people to live a more normal life with you tagging along. But I’m not.

You are sneaky. I hate you. But what would Hate be without Love ? And Love is hard (yes, I am quoting a song by James Morrison here). Love is different since you invited you in our bed. I won’t enter into details but feeling pain when being touched makes everything more challenging. People never talk about that, and sometimes, I do feel like we should not be ashamed of saying it: intimate relationships are more difficult when you have a chronic illness. There, I said it.
However, thanks to Fibromyalgia, our family is bonding together stronger. I often feel guilty because of you though. Because I have to say «no» to my daughters, because I can’t move as I’d like or because sometimes I have to brush them off when they simply want a hug. We learn together, they understand. Thanks to you, my 8 year old know how to cook basic stuff, how to take care of herself more independently (ie without asking me for every single thing). I love them, and they love me for who I am even when they are mad at me. I learn that it’s okay and I am now, after two years, sure that you are here to teach us all something.

We all have to find a new normal with me being… ill (it is still hard for me to say, think that I am. sick).

Thanks to you, I learn to ask for help. I learn to delegate and not to do everything by myself anymore (even if it means cooker later than plan because I was unable to open the tomato sauce jar…). It is a big one for me. Maybe one of the hardest lessons of them all because I like doing things myself and I hate being the weakest link. This is me being butthead with my husband who keeps reassuring me that I simply need to adjust. But how long will it take for me to adjust ??

Thanks to you, I learn that it’s okay to have dirty dishes in the sink once in a while, that a house that is not immaculate is just a house lived in. I learn to let go.

Thank to you, I know that Art Heals. Strangely, when I paint is when I don’t feel paint for a while (and when I sleep… but you keep me from a good sleep, so…). Art journaling and Mixed Media painting saved me in so many ways, and allow me to cope.

Thanks to you, I am coming back to myself. To my life as a… well, a user of herbs and oils and gems. I learned Practical Reiki thanks to you and now can help myself and give to others as well. Thanks to you, I know the importance of stress and anxiety management. The importance of the food I put in my body. These are precious lessons I may have passed around if you would not have invited yourself over… so thank you Fibromyalgia.

Nolwenn

Acknowledging the pain I am constantly in and how to manage it on an everyday basis is a huge amount of work. Without it though, I think I would not be the same. Even if I refuse to see myself as weak, I know things have to change. There is a before and an after; the after being now…

Gratitude Friday is a weekly ritual I started in order to focus on all the small and big positive things that happened during my week. I invite you to join me, you’ll see how much being thankful can change your life. If you want to know more about it, read my introduction post.

Happy Friday !

Have you noticed how I was a bit more consistent in my blogging this week ? Makes me happy to share something everyday or almost.

This week… well, I am learning a LOT. Isn’t it amazing and annoying how every step of the way is a new lesson ?

I feel like my heart is full again. What a nice feeling. I want to be one of those who always see the glass half full instead of half empty. Not letting the old fear staying the current fear.

This week, I am thankful for:

• New beginnings
• Friends
• Food (more on that later)
• Smoothies that really are smooth
• Sunshine
• My daughters
• Good talks
• Criminal Minds’ dvds
• Symbols
• Learning

What are you thankful for, this week ?

If you wrote your Gratitude Friday on your blog, don’t forget to enter your NAME and URL below so I’m notified and can come to read you (you can also join by commenting this post): [linkme]

Rachelle, aka Magpie Girl, share the video clip of this song lately, saying «I cry everytime I listen to this».

I cried. My throat got tighter. My hair dressed on my arms. It is that powerful.

I am sharing with you the live version, I think it is even better (but I encourage you to look for the official music video).

Words have to be said. Don’t keep them all inside.

This is what I teach to my daughters, because I want them to be very aware of how their words impact others. And themselves.

I have never been physically bullied but I have been hurt by words over and over and over. It may be subject of another blogpost, someday. For now, I just want to tell you: your words matter. Speak up. Don’t let them die inside. It is safer than you think. 
Write them. 
Tell Them. 
Poem them out. 
Yell them. 
Paint them. 
Express them.

The beginning pins me down on my knees:

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you