My mood goes up and down and up and down again. It is exhausting. And even if I try to stop it, all I can do is go with the flow. I don't know if it is linked with my fibromyalgia or not, and honestly I don't even care.

It feels like I am absolutely not in control of my feelings. Which actually may be just a truth admist other truths, no ?
Just so you know, despite the fact I was born under the stellar sign of the Virgo, I am not that much of a control freak. I am a lot of things but not that. Or not for everything (just have a look at my home mwahahah).

Today, something HIT me in the face. I was wondering why this week was so hard for me creatively speaking. How come none of the paintings I started brought a«WOOOOOW I so love this one» like it happened almost everytime this year. And then... I realized that this weird flower-headed creature that emerged today holds the key to my answers: she is different. In everything I do, she is different. The painting, my process, her.

And then I asked myself some more: but why does this feel so damn hard ? this is not the first time I do something different.
Yes. But before, I was the one chosing to step outside of my comfort zone, to explore things. Since «Fierce», I have this weird sensation to be more of a channel than anything else. I don't know what will decide to show up in the painting until it's actually there (it's like that for my Nixies as well, though). I'm okay when it's a Nixie, no matter what she looks like, but then I see it and freak out. WHAT's THAAAAAAAAAAAAAT (you see the famous painting «the scream» by Munch... yep that is what I look like heee).

I realize that the reason why I am afraid when I discover it is a weird non-sense creature that is on my painting instead of my usual Nixie is because it is not something I am expecting. If that makes sense.

But I remind one of the biggest lesson I've learn in this lifetime: ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY.

I learn to let go of my expectations.
I learn not to be afraid.
I learn to accept to be a channel.
I learn to love what I create, no matter what it is.
I learn to love the downs as much as the ups. Because this is what Life is made of.

To make today special, I decided to offer you something: if you purchase a print (or more) in my shoppe, Inner Worlds, I will add a print of my new Nixie, Cherell.
This is a special treat as I don't plan to sell prints of her for a reason you'll know soon enough (she's part of my sekret projekt ).

What you see below is only a sneak peak of the print:

I really love Cherell and she whispers to me that she'd like to be shared today.

The sale will run until Feb. 15th around noon pacific time.

Go grab your print <3

Today's question is just happening at a perfect timing for me (thank you to the Universe for your silly synchronicities).

Danielle asks a question on her website and simply invite people to share their answers.

I quote her:

When you establish your purpose for money, you have a rudder to help guide your purchases, investments, donations, savings—all the things that you do with money.
You also motivate yourself to go get what you want the most.

So... What's my purpose for money ?

• Have everything I need/want to create artwork that heals me and inspires other.
• Own a beautiful home in Vancouver area. Spacious enough to fit us 4. To host family and friends. To work. Decorate it so it truly reflects who we are, as a family and a whole, and as individuals.
• Gift my close relatives and friends with what makes their heart sing to them.
• Buy organic on a regular basis.
• Travel and discover the World, even the close places. Visit family and friends that live so far away.
• Buy art that uplifts my Soul.
• Not to worry anymore to pay all our bills on time and still be comfortable.
• Have date nights with my husband once a month (= having a regular babysitter, paying for the restaurant etc)
• Make this big dream come true.

Here is a page I made today (it was already dark, I may take a better picture *or not*):

On the other side of the spread is a sketch of a Nixie, Just a sketch... no shading, no color. And I did not know if I wanted the two pages to be separated or a spread. I still don't know actually.

It says:

It's ok..:

to be mad
to be sad
to wanna give up sometimes
to feel like today is the worst one in your life
to have big hope and small dreams
to scream at the top of your lungs just to LET it GO
to smile when you feel like breaking down
to join your hands in a prayer to Whoever would just listen to you
to cry and ask for help

It's ok to have and express whatever emotion pass through you

(it just means you're alive)

If I am sharing this page with you, it's only because I feel like I was just the tool for the message. The channel so people could read these words. So people could know it is ok to feel whatever they feel.

I am struggling with my emotions right now. Not understanding them. Not being successful in processing them the way I wish I would. And I guess someone may feel the same somewhere and that this «permission slip» would reach someone who needed it.

Hello !

February... ok, I won't tell it every new month of the year but honestly I don't see where January went. Maybe it is because my mind is currently so full of everything, I don't notice each day that comes after the others.

January made me realize how important it is to thank for everything we receive, good and less good. There's a positive message in everything that is thrown our way.

This week, I am thankful for:

• Open-hearted discussion with this girlfriend that matters so much to me. And our mutual decision to take care of our friendship.
• Today is Cheridoo's payday, I can finally breathe again (and buy food).
• Nothing is a coincidence I guess... I wanted to finally sign up for Flora Bowley's class first thing this morning, and the registration for this session (that begins next monday) is now closed. It was not yesterday. Next term: June 2012.
• Mamounette (ie my Mom).
• Despite this stupid wrist/arm that has me suffering for more than 10 days now, I was able to paint and work this week. It's weird how the only moment I notice I feel relief in my pain is when I paint.
• My girls that cover me with love and sweet words («Mom cooks the best meals in the world» «Mom is the bestest artist in the whole universe»... even if it is from my daughters' point of view, they honestly feel what they tell me).
• The tv show Supernatural. Oooooh yes we waited forever to finally give in and watch it. We have several season to catch up with but this is good. And it is filmed nearby
• I am currently reading the second book of The Hunger Games, Catching Fire. This is amazing. I am glad I waited for the trilogy to be completely released before reading it. I hate having to wait for sequels to come (and honestly, they all do several-book series now. Tsss). And this is something I can share with Mamounette as she's read the first two books while she was here. I am trying to convince my husband to read them as well. Here is the link for Lien pour the trailer.
• My friends Kira that jumped on Skype to talk to me after something I poster on facebook. It is good to know I can vent with someone that totally gets what I am going through. And to know she cares.
• It is auite sunny outside so I am walking in my neighborhood just to get some fresh air.
• My friend Anu that listens to me patiently and support me.
• My friend Aurore that will give me skirts she does not wear anymore.
• My husband, who simply is my perfect match.

I realized I like to end my Gratitude Friday blogpost with some pictures from my week:

There is still time to sign up for 21 Secrets, that will open its doors in April. You won't regret learning from the 21 of us.
Click on the image to learn more about it, and maybe sign up (note: the teachers are given an affiliate link so people can sign up using it and we are paid a percentage of your fee. I would love if you'd use my link above to sign up.)

If you wrote your Gratitude Friday on your blog, don't forget to enter your NAME and URL below so I'm notified and can come to read you (you can also join by commenting this post):

What a month January has been ! We've seen my mom go back to France (where she lives) after having her by our sides for three very great months and honestly, it's been ten days or so now and it still feels empty without her...

While I am typing this, I am noticing something that is strange: I have no idea what I did write for my previous letters to the Universe. I can not tell you if what I wished for actually was granted or not (I will check though). This is what I call letting go (me the Queen Of I Keep everything tightly attached emotionally)

And from this month on, we have a pretty button to accompany our blogposts, yaaay !
I will add Anu's link as soon as I have it to share with you.

Dear Universe,

My heart feels heavy, and as February is the Month of the year where Love is all around, please fill me in; I promise to give back as much as I can, to anyone who needs it.
Please, help me to focus and inspire me to make the best class I could for 21 Secrets. I hope to help people heal by sharing my own process...
Give me the strength to go on my path of a better life for myself, better eating, exercising despite the fibro that seems to get harder and harder on me as the time passes. Help me to accept that pregnancies changed my body, and that what it looks like now after having given birth twice at now 26yo is not put into stone, I can still make it something I enjoy looking at in the mirror, a skin I feel good being inside of.
If you can send some clarity my way, some signs you know I will understand, feel free to do so. I am open to receive them now.
I feel lonely most of the time, a bit of company from someone more that 6 years old would be appreciated. Have you seen how I try to get off my butts to reach out ?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love,
Nolwenn

I know it has been quite a long time since I shared with you an In Motion video (either Art Journaling or Mixed Media related). I have faced many technical difficultied in the last month or so, and several videos had to be aborted during the process. I meant they were just not meant to be.

I am a tidbit nervous to share this painting with you. Because it is like nothing else I've created before, but I still feel like this is me. I have no idea what this creature is. Nor why I used these specific symbols at the end.

I had a lot of fun playing with texture and love the result. Ready ? Here it is..:

You may know how much I love using stencils, and to date my favorites are made by the company The Crafter's Workshop, and I just swoon over those designed by Julie Fei-Fan Balzer (totally fangirling her, yea...). And I have the chance to have discovered a fantastic local scrapbook store that accept to special order stuff for me, the nonscrapbookerbutveryloyal customer

I think that I became more Fearless in my creativity thanks to Connie, and I will never thank enough for her class BIG that changed everything for me. Before, my creative process involved the search of perfection, intensive planning of what would the artwork will look like (and of course, this bad feeling when it never did look like what I had in mind). But since her class, I found how to free myself from all those high expectations I use to have. Not that I don't care, I still do, but I am enjoying the ride, involving all the ups and downs of creativity.

I feel like I was in a kind of transe while doing this painting, even if it was recording, because the creature that emerge stroke me only when the painting was done, the camcorder off. What IS that ?!?
And of course, an army of Gremlins decided to show off: «you are crazy» «this thing does not look like anything» «people will think you are not normal» blablablablaaaaaaaaaaa
I got scared to share this painting, and her video. But decided to shake the Fear off and do it anyway. So here it is:

Today, something weird happened. It's been a while since I last recorded and shared a video, after several attempts that ending being big failures (camera's battery dieing in the middle of the recording, me having to cut it off because of some duties implied by being a mom........), I decided today would be the day and nothing could actually stop me.

And I just abandonned myself in the painting... trusting something positive will come out of it. But honestly, I would never have thought of THIS. You'll understand when the video will be ready (tomorrow I hope). What ended on my canvas is either abstract or a Nixie, I don't know how to call it yet. But I simply LOVE it, which makes me feel a bit ill-at-ease for a reason I don't understand yet (oooh personal message to my dear friend Anu: it has a mouth !!)

Here is a sneak peak of it:

I recently shared on Inner Voices facebook page this tidbit of my latest Nixie, named Kowana:

Yes, Kowana is different from all the previous Nixies. And I fell in love with her.

This one has no name yet (this seems common this month...), see that gorgeous texture ? YUM !

Hello !

I'll be honest with you, I am beyond exhausted. Not even because I ran in the cold or worked out. I'm just worn out and have to deal with it. I did not really know if I wanted to write this Gratitude Friday, as I write it in both english and french, it asks twice the energy.

I am apologizing, again, for doing it short. Hoping you won't mind and will enjoy it as well, and that it may inspire you to reflect on your week and what was good in it.

This week, I am thankful for:

• The unexpected features of the Nixies that were born this week.
• CHA (Craft And Hobby, it is a huge show that happens twice a year in the US, where companies share their new products. It is opened both for the public and for professionals) is around the corner, and so the web is filled with sneak peaks. I love the new stencils coming from The Crafter's Workshop designed by Julie Fei-Fan Balzer (and some other of their releases); the stamps and other products by Christy Tomlinson, some of the new stamps and ideology stuff by Tim Holtz, lines from Studio Calico... It is very inspiring.
• I received the beautiful mixed media portrait of me made by Joyce. Amazing !
• I started my Project Us, inspired by the famous Project Life. But I am not a scrapbooker. I still enjoy it a lot and I just love documenting our daily life in picture. Would love to have a pogo printer or other ZINK printer so I could have the pictures from my phone and camera printed quickly at home. Maybe later.
• I realized that small dreams are as good as the big ones. And feel more reachable for me at the moment.
• Vivian is now offering her «old» art journaling class for free. I took it in 2009, freshly arrived in Canada from France. You'll love it.
• I almost have 300 «likers» over Inner Voices page. It just a number, but I like it.
• Grenouille lost her second teeth yesterday, which put her over the moon excited.
• I am carving stamps thanks to Julie's class. Love it !
• I finally found a way to create my portfolio ! See the link in the horizontal bar. Or click here to see my mixed media gallery (not everything is in it). I'll do an Art Journal gallery asap.

If you wrote your Gratitude Friday on your blog, don't forget to enter your NAME and URL below so I'm notified and can come to read you (you can also join by commenting this post):

While I am writing you this, I spent an hour counting, planning, crying, thinking we will never gather these stupid mandatory «at least 5%» downpayment to buy a home. My guts tell me this is Fear talking. Again. That we will find a way to save money despite our family pattern (=one secure salary for a family of four). We can do it.

My dear friend Anu was talking about how having big goals is actually hard because the disapointment of them not coming true is as big as the dream itself (if not more). And so she stopped dreaming for a while.
I could not stop dreaming, even if it hurts so bad not to see the dreams come true. Or if it takes (way) longerto happen than my liking. Am I sadistic ? Well, maybe a little bit...

I've always wanted big things for myself, and now for my family as well. But it does not mean I forget all the teeny tiny little steps needed to get there. And I am thankful for each of them.

When I read the blogpost from Goddess Leonie inviting her Goddess Ambassadors to request a copy of her 2012 Workbook/Planner/Calendar, I jumped from my seat with excitement. And I use it ever since.

It helped me to say goodbye to 2011, to notice and celebrate what I did achieve during the year and that I forgot about. I accomplished a lot more than what I thought (talk to me about focusing on the negativity instead of the positivity... I still fall in that hole from time to time).

I need something I can browse through. This is how I rule. Coming back and forth. Changing, adding, opening my heart to new possibilities.

I am now listing 100 things I wanna do in 2012. This does not have to be serious and important. Fun is good Lightness is awesome. 100 seems huge-issimo, it is. But this is also a way to plan the little stuff you've always wanted to try and never did.
I smiled when I realized that my pen is pointing out my current age, not on purpose

There is more than 100 pages to go through, I love that I can reprint some of them if I wish to do so.

I also use it to make plans regarding the steps I need to go through and to be accountable with myself. I love that I can keep it secret if I wish to, or share it with who I want (my mom loves it, but she is not fluent enough in English to use it, unfortunately).

And I can do the pages in the order that pleases me (I'm like that, yes).

I am more of a pen and paper girl, I love typing on my computer but the feel of the pen flowing on the paper takes over and this is what makes my heart sing louder. I think I would not have enjoy it the same way if the workbook had only been digital.

I am so thankful for the chance I had to get it and now this is just fair to spread the word about it so many other Goddesses feel as blessed as me to have this tool on hand.
You can learn more about it, and purchase it right here. It costs only $9.95, and you can buy bundles so you share the love with your tribe.

Do you already use it ? What do you think ?