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Knock knock… is there still someone coming in my corner of the blogosphere ? I know my latest blogpost was, well, forever ago. If you know me, you know I try to be as transparent as possible, to keep it real with you guys, as much as possible. But sometimes, talking (or in this case, writing), is not easy. Because it means facing a difficult truth (or several). And that truth is…

I have not been myself. I am not recognizing the face looking back at me in the mirror. Most days, I feel lost and empty. This is not depression per se, I don’t think so, but my meds dosage has been changed and I see how it affects me right now.

I have been exploring abstract painting but still in that exploration phase I can’t wait to get out of. To know how to create what I have in mind with ease, to let go of the struggle I feel everytime I start a new project. This is what I am craving right now: ease.

A post shared by Nolwenn Petitbois (@nolwennp) on Apr 22, 2017 at 12:29pm PDT

I have to drag myself to the Art Cave (pss: Studio video tour coming soon !), some of the simplest tasks ask a lot of me because my body hurts (my hands for example) so my mind is overflowing with all these things I want to be doing and creating but when actually comes the moment to DO it, I can’t or won’t.

Plus, there is this feeling of being forgotten and transparent. It just fucking ego talk there, I am well aware of that. But it is one of these things that knowing unfortunately does not change anything about it.

I have been editing videos for a company I love the products from. Sketching Nixies (but not painting them). Playing with abstract paintings and the pouring method (you can check the first videos I made about it clicking right here) with no goal other than discovering and playing with colors. I believe I need to get lost to find my way again, often a way that was hidden or blurry.

A post shared by Nolwenn Petitbois (@nolwennp) on Apr 12, 2017 at 3:14pm PDT

I am slowly coming back, hopefully everything will get better and easier <3

If you follow me on Instagram (if not, what are you waiting for ? ;)), you know that this year is the year I decided to explore abstraction in my paintings. I am still deeply in love with my Nixies, but felt the need to do something else and see where this would take me.

Abstract art as many many forms, and I knew when thinking about it at the end of 2016, that I would not be bored by picking it as my main focus for the year.

Right now, I am binge watching videos, and even asked a local artist to mentor me on the pouring technique. There are several ways to achieve a specific visual, and I have done a lot of paintings, not getting it as I desire. They are not bad paintings, just not what I am striving for.

If you would like more videos about this type of art, let me know in the comments. I would happily execute 😉

This year, my Soul Whisper (my guiding word) is PERSEVERANCE. I keep it close because I could give up and try something else. But I know I won’t. I can’t. I owe myself that, to persist and continue until I am finally 100% pleased with what is coming out of my hands.

Painting everyday, just for me, is creating a shift. I can feel it in my bones. Find the joy and stick to it. That is my new mantra in the Studio. My fingers are itchy to create new Nixies, but in a different way. I am open to them, never closed that door.

Remember in 2015 when I offered you a vlog everyday during the month of February ? Well, I decided that new life deserved to try to be doing it again this year. I might not do an associated blogpost everyday, though.

I created a Youtube Playlist where you can watch all the videos for VEDIF.

Help me !

Tamara Laporte, who’s idea it was to begin with, created a list of prompts if we want to follow. I might do that but not in a systematic way.

However, I know that some of you have questions about my creative life/process, or even anything else (as I often share things about my life outside of art). If you have any, please leave them in the comments and I will address them in a vlog this month. What would you like to see from me in my vlogs ? I do them for you, so please let me know.

I might do a Studio tour video, now that it doesn’t look like a storm hit it anymore.

If you like them, feel free to spread the love and share them with your friends ! I will do a HUGE giveaway once I reach the 3,000 subscribers on my Youtube Channel (currently about 615 persons left to reach there).

Thank you for watching

Unforgettable books read in 2016

Last year, I signed myself up for Goodreads reading challenge. You set yourself a goal of how many books you wish to read during the year, and each time to finish a book, it adds up. At first, my reading goal for 2016 was 40 books. When I reached it, I increased it to 52 (why not ?) and ended up reading 58 books this year. 2016 reunited me with one of my first passion: reading. I won’t write too much about how it helps me deal and cope (being in someone else’s universe for a bit can do wonder on my mind). It is harder to choose just a handful of books to talk to you, because I read so many that had a big impact on me this year. I noticed an unexpected trend: lots of them were about loss, about friendship, about finding yourself and about redefining the “norm”. I read plenty of Young Adult literature but enjoy adult fiction as well. Here are a few of my favorites (PS: the links direct you to amazon.com and are affiliate links):

The Girl on the Train | Paula Hawkins

Rachel takes the same train, morning and night, everyday. She lost everything but keep going to London everyday, keeping pretense. Twice a day the train stops and allows Rachel to watch a couple on their deck; she imagined a life for them (she called them Jess and Jason). Until she sees Jess kissing another man… and soon after the news announce she is missing. Rachel gets herself tangled in the investigation. But is Jess alive ? what happened to her ?

I usually don’t give in the hype but this book really intrigued me, to begin with. It is a novel told by multiple points of view throughout, which makes it even more effective in the story telling. We want Rachel to get her life back on track and to know what really happened to “Rachel”. I got sucked in the story very easily and could not stop until the end.

Holding Up the Universe | Jennifer Niven

Libby Strout used to be “America’s fattest kid”. To the point where she was homeschooled for years before deciding to come back to high school. She is still grieving her Mom and holding everything together with/for her father. She is ready to go back, make new friends and simply be a teenager. Jack is a popular kid that seems to have it all. But he is keeping a big secret: he can’t recognize faces. Not even his family, close friends… or himself. They get to stick together at the school community service after an “incident” and learn to go beyond the obvious, beyond what people think you should do, who you should be.

This story touched me to the core. It is a story for teenagers/young adult but I do believe we all could be affected by the beauty in these characters. I remember feeling sad and pissed and worried. Yes, I felt all the feels.

Wonder | R.J. Palacio

August (Auggie) was born with a major facial deformity. Needing a lot of medical attention/interventions, he was homeschooled for all his life. But one day, he decided it was time for him to go to a regular school; he enters Beecher Prep for 5th grade. Being the new kid is already a hard thing, but when you do not look like anybody else, challenges are bigger. Can he make his classmates see him beyond his extraordinary face ?

My daughter Mae is actually the one who told me about this book last year because she wanted to read it for a school paper she had to do (pick a book, read it and then present it to the class orally). I like reading what she needs to read for school and this time, I was more than happy with this book. The author succeeded in sharing a touching story but still filled with humor. I really got attached to the character of Auggie, but also to his family (parents and older sister). To the point where I also read all the other books written around Auggie’s universe.

Room: A Novel | Emma Donoghue

Jack is just a little kid of 5 years old. For him, Room is his entire world. It is where he lives with his Mom (that he calls Ma). They play, they learn, and never go outside of Room. But at night, Jack has to be in the wardrobe when Old Nick visits Ma. However, Ma has a plan to break free. Will they succeed ? If yes, what then..?

This is maybe the most original novel I have read in 2016. Room is written from Jack’s point of view, and Jack is only 5 years old. I have never read anything like this. Emma Donoghue is, to me, a genius writer with this book. A lot was already said about it, and I also watched the movie (with my husband who did not know the story). I prefered the book 😉

The Sun Is Also a Star | Nicola Yoon

Natasha and Daniel are two very different teenagers. Natasha is pragmatic and believes in sciences and facts. She does not believe in fate, or in love at first sight. Daniel is the good son, doing what his parents expect from him. Both are from parents who immigrated for a better life. They meet in the crowded streets of New York city on a very important day for each of them. Natasha’s family will be sent back to Jamaica in 12 hours and we share these 12 hours with them.

I think I can notice another trend in the books I have read and loved last year: stories told via multiple point of view. Being an immigrant myself, having “unrooted” my daughters when they did not have a voice yet to express if they agreed or not, this book struck a cord within me. Living up to your parents expectations, having to deal with your parents’ decisions, and mistakes. Making your own choices. These are some of the themes that Nicola Yoon tackled in this very beautiful story.

The Sky Is Everywhere | Jandy Nelson

Lennie is 17, she loves books and music. Playing the clarinet is her biggest passion. She adores her older sister Bailey, who seems to be her opposite. But then… Bailey dies unexpectedly, leaving Lennie’s world completely shattered in million of pieces. Her family (she lives with her grandma and uncle) supports her as best as they can despite their own grief.  Lennie also experiences love for the first time and is torn between two boys who could not be more different from one another; one of them being her sister’s boyfriend.

Another story about loss and grief. Family secrets, dealing with conflicting feelings (how to be happy when a close loved one isn’t there anymore, is one of the theme), are some of the matters in this beautifully written book. It was a very poetic read. I laughed and cried, my heart ached along Lennie’s and her family. Her passion for music made my heart beat faster. I found that Jandy Nelson was really accurate in how she portraited grief.

What are you currently reading ? Can you tell me more about the books that touched you in 2016 ? Have you read any of those ones I just told you about ?

Two days ago was my Aunt Michèle’s death anniversary. She left us in January 1995, I was 9 years old but remember it like it was yesterday. What I was doing when the telephone rang, the tone of my Mom’s voice talking to my grandma. The disbelief and crying. The hurt, not understanding why. Like it was yesterday, the pain and the gap in my heart are still here.

Her death is a huge part of what shaped the woman I am today, at 31 years old. I believe that the biggest challenges and heartbreaks are what makes us us. It sucks, oh my gosh yes it does suck to learn and grow from what puts us into billions of pieces. I write to her, I talk to her. Still.

When I was younger, my outlet was writing. Journals, personal blog (well, it was not called like that at the time, but I created an online private place just for my writing, with access given to selected friends only).

Art is a savior, it is a way to release the internal pressure before it bursts out, creating a mess of everything.

Art makes it easier to live with. It does not erase anything, it does not make me forget. Nor does it make it less hurtful. But it helps mend it.

No dwelling into “what if…” scenari is not easy. Not living in the past either.

One of my personal mission in this lifetime is to transform pain, to be an alchemist of it. No matter the medium (may it be art, may it be cooking, may it be whatever form it wants to take).

This is partly why I never given up making art, because I simply can’t.

We all have this power within us, it sounds cliché but I know it is a truth. We have to dig, yes, but it is right here.

(PS: I even have an ongoing painting I titled “anger management” for all these moments I could kill someone or call it quit 😉 One of the best idea I had last year…

PS²: I still dream of becoming an art-therapist)

How will you transform your own pain ?