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Usually, I like writing how the painting came in my mind, what is behind it. But for this one and reasons I don’t get now, the words don’t come.

I began with the intention on getting wild, and fearless. Letting my hands be guided by whatever would come out. It is a weird experience, for sure. But I wanted to start “blank”, not knowing what I will create at all. And this is the result: a kind of Guerilla Goddess. My Athena ? maybe.

I think I currently go through a “I Am” period. I need to speak my Truth. I need to dig deep and discover who I am. And painting is all I can do to go through it, with writing aside.
At first, I was going with “I am Brave”; but when my husband saw the canvas, he told me “don’t you think “I am Bold” would suit it better ?” and BAM that was it.

It’s far away from what I’m used to create, but I kinda like it.

Not that I have nothing to say about it, but the words really seem to want to stay personal and internal.

So maybe YOU could tell me what this artwork is telling you ?

This is a very sensitive topic I am going to talk about, but I have this big gut feeling that I have to share my input because it is something I was struggling with for so long, I’m only at the dawn of getting rid with the feeling of “I am not enough” or “I don’t do enough” or “I don’t whatever_it_is enough”.

Not enough cleaning the house. I should spend hours every day to do laundry, tidy up, clean everything. I don’t.
Not enough ambition. I am 25 and I don’t have a degree, I don’t have a real job.
Not enough marketing. I do create, I do want to send my artworks to the world, but I don’t market myself enough.
My skin is not enough White. My skin is not enough Black. I’m half and half, right in the middle. People sometimes think I’m black, sometimes hispanic, sometimes from somewhere in the Middle-East. I seem not to fit in any ethnic box.
My kids don’t always eat healthy enough because sometimes, i’m just too tired to cook something with vegetables AND protein AND carbs. And I’m aware of it.
I’m not good enough because my father doesn’t really care about learning to know who I am.
I am not clever enough, there is so many things I don’t know in so many subjects.
I am not thin enough, my belly spills over my pants’ bell. Yuck.
I don’t exercise enough.
I don’t go out and meet people outside my husband and kids enough.
And the list can go on and on and on for ever. FOR EVER.

Until I decided to stop the vicious circle. I was told that i should be more like this, or like that. And when it comes from people you care about, people you deeply trust, it hurts. And it stays in your veins like poison slowly killing you. I am sure it’s something that rings a bell somewhere in you, doesn’t it ?

You don’t have to take what those voices say for true, for real. No matter who insinuated and created the feeling of “not enough”, you have the inner strength to get rid of it. I don’t say it is easy. I don’t say you won’t struggle. I don’t even say you will succeed. But I have the firm and strong certitude that you can do it. Because YOU ARE ENOUGH. And you are perfect as you are. Of course, we can always improve ourselves, and I think it’s also why we are alive, to get better through the fights, through the breakdowns. I agree with Sartres when he wrote that Hell is here on Earth, but I also know that we can make Earth our own Paradise, one thing at a time.

Usually, the more people cares about us, the more they expect from us. And I realized that often, they don’t even know how much they put on our shoulders, just because they want us to be happy, to have a good job, to be in a perfect relationship. It’s honorable, but it’s hard for us to keep up with it.
What is the solution ? For me, it all lies in ACCEPTANCE. From my side, accepting to be the person I am deeply, that i can’t be everything they wish I’d be. And acceptance from their side that I do my best. And it’s difficult, yes.

Positive Affirmations are a powerful tool to improve the way you look at you and at your life. Keep repeating to yourself “I am enough” until it’s not a struggle anymore, until you feel deeply inside of your heart that it’s not a lie you are telling to yourself to feel better, it is simply the truth.

As it often starts for me now when I begin a new artwork, I just have an intention in mind. Mine this time was to have a reminder I could look at that I AM ENOUGH.
Not so long ago, my husband asked me why I use the first person on my paintings (“I“), instead of the second one (“You“). And then he stopped and told me “oh don’t bother to answer, I think I get it the minute I started to ask: by writing “I”, you bring the person who looks at it to get involved and to take it personally”. I used to write with “you” and then I noticed that it’s more powerful for me in the first person. What do you must relate to, if I write on my painting “Your are enough” or “I am enough” ?

I started this on Wednesday; at some stage I was truly loving it. And then I worked more on the background and hated it. Strongly, I was all “oh gosh, I destroyed it, it was so much prettier before I added this”. I slept on it (just speaking, it wasn’t under my pillow, don’t worry !). And when I woke up the next day and saw it in the living room, I kind of fell in love with her powerful message. I finished it on Thursday, which is for me kind of a miracle because until now, I never managed to complete an artwork in such amount of time.

I’m amazed at how things are creatively flowing since the beginning of the year. It took some time to get started, but since then it’s just getting more wonderful each day.

Hellowwwwwww !

Vancouver dressed up with her white robe during the night… We enjoy it, knowing it will be all gone because of the rain announced to pour for the at least next 14 days -!!!!-.

On December 31st 2010, I started a new artwork… I had no idea what I wanted it to be, just that there has to be an Owl somewhere (the Owl is one of my totem animal).
Since the workshop I attended last September with Jesse Reno, I do my best to let go, to not get too attached with my paintings while creating, to be in the present and not in the “it’s going to be like this and like that and….” as I used to be. It’s not that easy for me, it’s really a new way of approaching my art, my way of thinking about it. I now start with an intention, a idea, knowing deep inside that there are chances it will be totally different eventually. And accepting that it is okay was a breakthrough for me.

2010 really was a determinative year in my creative life. Embracing it, Accepting it, Loving it. 2011 will be the year i’ll put everything in motion, make something real and share with the World. It also will be the year when I won’t be affraid anymore to show how my artwork and my spirituality are linked together and make me who I am. Fearing to be judged, to be misunderstood, kept me away from sharing as much as I wanted to.

So… I started this on December 31st, it was my last artwork of 2010. But as usual, I wasn’t able to achieve in one day so I finished it yesterday, in January 2011. My first finished painting of the year (I don’t coun the Sketchbook Project, which is something else). I love how this artwork is for me the link between two different years.
I see it is kind of different from what i do, but is still me. There is a shift happening…

Here it is:

You know I want to add word(s) in my artwork. I wanted something in one of the clouds, no idea what though. I read not very carefully a few pages of the book devoted to collages (bought 50cts at the library book fair last year), until my eyes stopped on something. “Magical and unexpected gift”. Here it was. Perfect ! It’s a small font, so you really have to get close to the canvas to read it, and I actually like it this way.

What kind of magical and unexpected gift would you like to receive soon ? Don’t be affraid to go crazy dreaming, you may be surprised by what happens 😉

Here I am, a chapter can now be closed. I finished my sketchbook for the Art House co-op Sketchbook Project 2011, I’ll send it back today to New York City. And I am on time !
If you are wondering “what the hell is she talking about”, you can read my first blogpost right here.
And for the video I made while creating the sketchbook cover, it’s just there.

During two weeks, I was sleeping, eating, thinking every free minute of the day about the Sketchbook. I want to apologize to my twitter friends for having filled my twitter feed with so much sketchbook related stuff. I am over the moon to be done, to send it on time. I am unfortunately not one of those that work so well under the pressure of a deadline coming to an end.

As promised, here is a little final video:

I can’t wait to go to the exhibit stop in Seattle, see what the others have done.
Did you know that we are nearly 29,000 participants, from 94 different countries around the World ? I can’t even imagine how it is to organize all of this.

It was a rich experience for me, but I’m not sure I’ll do it again (but I learned to never say “never” !).

Here are two different spreads (the last spread of the sketchbook will have her own blogpost soon). Don’t hesitate to click to enlarge:

Husband's favourite

My favourite

I am a perfectionnist and for some points I am kind of ashamed to send it back as it is. But I keep telling myself  “it’s a sketchbook, just a sketchbook.“. I put my heart and soul in these few pages. I wish I’d have done more (more pages, more elaborate), but I didn’t and I have now to accept it. I hope people will enjoy it that way… It seems SO different from what I saw on the website, I am a little scared.

Now, my mind is on all the other projects I want to accomplish 😉

Gratitude Friday is a weekly ritual I started in order to focus on all the small and big positive things that happened during my week. I invite you to join me, you’ll see how much being thankful can change your life. If you want to know more about it, read my introduction post. I know I am kind of late but… we are still in 2010 here in Vancouver.  This year was very full for me and I leave it with a sense of accomplishment (“achievement” was my 2010 word, so it’s a good thing !). I learned A LOT during this year and feel stronger than when I left 2009 a year ago. This may be a long boring blogpost, with many links. I hope you’ll read until the end but won’t be upset if you don’t. Over all, I hope you’ll share with me what you are grateful for in 2010, even if it’s one or two things 🙂 In this end of 2010, I want to thank the Universe for:

• Putting wonderful people on my way: Jamie Ridler (and my Sisters from the Circe’s Circle), Connie Hozvicka (and my Sisters from BIG and The Tribe), Samantha Kira, Jo Anna Rothman, Lynna, the ladies always coming to support my Wednesdays Wishcasts… I don’t want to list everyone but you are in my heart.
• Allowing me to push my borders a lot further; by taking on line classes that totally changed my life (I’m thinking of Kelly Rae’s “Taking Flight“, of the classes created by Connie over DirtyFootprints Studio, of the creative coaching by Jamie, of the Receiving Project of Jo Anna, of the painting classes of Julie Prichard (and Chris Cozen)). And the two days workshop put my way on my 25th birthday with Jesse Reno. It changed everything for me. And today, I’m proud to say out loud: I AM AN ARTIST. And I am Fearless. And Magnificent. Yes I am. You are too.
• My mom came in Vancouver during 5 weeks this summer, and we were able to celebrate her birthday. Her presence was needed, we miss her deeply. It was perfect.
• My brother-in-law came back for two weeks and was with us to celebrate Grenouille’s 5th birthday. We hope he’ll come every summer.
• Our new home, we are still renters, but it’s bigger, better. Our neighbours are very kind people.
• My book is finally taking serious shapes. Thanks to Circe’s Circle I have better bases to go on, to find what I need.
• Grenouille is happy to be able to read by herself, faster everyday. And to write. She’s an everyday wonder (despite the fact she prefers to read than to eat and that it’s a worry for us).
• Koala is always cuddling with me, she’s more and more independant and loves preschool. She wants to be 5 to go to “the big school” too (she’s nearly 4).
• My husband finally got his dream job in the video games industry. He works a lot, and hard, but is happy now. It was worth waiting and dreaming.
• I painted some artwork that totally WOWed me like “is it really me that created this ?”. Yes it is; and I love them. And my goal for 2011 is to feel this way for every mixed media artwork I create, and to make people feel “this is what I needed to see”. I don’t know if it makes sense or not.
• For the abundance around me; it was not easy everyday but we (my husband and I) got this click about what was blocking us from prosperity (not only financial one) and it changed everything.
• For my partnership with Hay House and the books and material I receive to review.
• For my sewing machine, that opens lots of new creative possibilities in the future.
• For the friends I lost. They are still in my heart someway. I learned I can’t force (but it was not on purpose) people to see the things the way I do.
• Donna Downey’s weekly Inspiration Wednesday’s videos.
• All the wonderful books I read. It fuels my creativity. We have more and more authors writing amazing books.
• The love of my dear husband. We celebrated our 7 years of love, and our 5 years of marriage. We are stronger each year. I am blessed to have such a man by my sides every day.
• Some friendships became stronger this year (I love you Alice, Paola, Sophie, Cocotte, Melchi).
• Good tv shows, good movies and good music. And good restaurants too.
• Cooking that made a come back in my favourite_things_to_do list.
• Living in this gorgeous city we chose to immigrate to, Vancouver. It’s not always easy without family around with young kids, it’s not easy to make friends. But we have zero regret about our choice.

And so much more.  This year has been hard sometimes, but it was kind of a good one. My evolution is on its positive way. 2010 was harsh, energetically speaking; we had to let go off of deep fears, we had to make significant choices. But we are getting closer to the realisation of our dreams so don’t be afraid to wishcast. You’re listened and not forgotten.  I love you, take a good care of yourself and your loved ones.  If you wrote your Gratitude Friday on your blog, don’t forget to enter your NAME and URL below so I’m notified and can come to read you (you can also join by commenting this post): [linkme]