This is a very sensitive topic I am going to talk about, but I have this big gut feeling that I have to share my input because it is something I was struggling with for so long, I’m only at the dawn of getting rid with the feeling of “I am not enough” or “I don’t do enough” or “I don’t whatever_it_is enough”.
Not enough cleaning the house. I should spend hours every day to do laundry, tidy up, clean everything. I don’t.
Not enough ambition. I am 25 and I don’t have a degree, I don’t have a real job.
Not enough marketing. I do create, I do want to send my artworks to the world, but I don’t market myself enough.
My skin is not enough White. My skin is not enough Black. I’m half and half, right in the middle. People sometimes think I’m black, sometimes hispanic, sometimes from somewhere in the Middle-East. I seem not to fit in any ethnic box.
My kids don’t always eat healthy enough because sometimes, i’m just too tired to cook something with vegetables AND protein AND carbs. And I’m aware of it.
I’m not good enough because my father doesn’t really care about learning to know who I am.
I am not clever enough, there is so many things I don’t know in so many subjects.
I am not thin enough, my belly spills over my pants’ bell. Yuck.
I don’t exercise enough.
I don’t go out and meet people outside my husband and kids enough.
And the list can go on and on and on for ever. FOR EVER.
Until I decided to stop the vicious circle. I was told that i should be more like this, or like that. And when it comes from people you care about, people you deeply trust, it hurts. And it stays in your veins like poison slowly killing you. I am sure it’s something that rings a bell somewhere in you, doesn’t it ?
You don’t have to take what those voices say for true, for real. No matter who insinuated and created the feeling of “not enough”, you have the inner strength to get rid of it. I don’t say it is easy. I don’t say you won’t struggle. I don’t even say you will succeed. But I have the firm and strong certitude that you can do it. Because YOU ARE ENOUGH. And you are perfect as you are. Of course, we can always improve ourselves, and I think it’s also why we are alive, to get better through the fights, through the breakdowns. I agree with Sartres when he wrote that Hell is here on Earth, but I also know that we can make Earth our own Paradise, one thing at a time.
Usually, the more people cares about us, the more they expect from us. And I realized that often, they don’t even know how much they put on our shoulders, just because they want us to be happy, to have a good job, to be in a perfect relationship. It’s honorable, but it’s hard for us to keep up with it.
What is the solution ? For me, it all lies in ACCEPTANCE. From my side, accepting to be the person I am deeply, that i can’t be everything they wish I’d be. And acceptance from their side that I do my best. And it’s difficult, yes.
Positive Affirmations are a powerful tool to improve the way you look at you and at your life. Keep repeating to yourself “I am enough” until it’s not a struggle anymore, until you feel deeply inside of your heart that it’s not a lie you are telling to yourself to feel better, it is simply the truth.
As it often starts for me now when I begin a new artwork, I just have an intention in mind. Mine this time was to have a reminder I could look at that I AM ENOUGH.
Not so long ago, my husband asked me why I use the first person on my paintings (“I“), instead of the second one (“You“). And then he stopped and told me “oh don’t bother to answer, I think I get it the minute I started to ask: by writing “I”, you bring the person who looks at it to get involved and to take it personally”. I used to write with “you” and then I noticed that it’s more powerful for me in the first person. What do you must relate to, if I write on my painting “Your are enough” or “I am enough” ?
I started this on Wednesday; at some stage I was truly loving it. And then I worked more on the background and hated it. Strongly, I was all “oh gosh, I destroyed it, it was so much prettier before I added this”. I slept on it (just speaking, it wasn’t under my pillow, don’t worry !). And when I woke up the next day and saw it in the living room, I kind of fell in love with her powerful message. I finished it on Thursday, which is for me kind of a miracle because until now, I never managed to complete an artwork in such amount of time.
I’m amazed at how things are creatively flowing since the beginning of the year. It took some time to get started, but since then it’s just getting more wonderful each day.
Thanks a lot Anu.
I absolutely love this painting. It is vivid and strong.
I really appreciated this post. You express so beautifully what so many of us feel.
Your willingness to paint the picture with the darker shadowy deeper harsher colours makes it more meaningful to me Women are taught to be cute, pretty, lovable and nice. I think we are much more than that.
I love how you describe the feelings I put better than I do it myself, Lynna.
We are WAY more than that, and I am happy if my words and artwork give the possibility to notice this.
I love it darling! And you are enough! You’re wonderful and kind and beautiful! And anyone who can’t see that, or goes to identify what color you are instead of who you are, well, they can just suck it. 😀
You make me smile (aren’t you suppose to take the day off of online ? 🙂 I’m glad you stopped by !), they can. It took so much time to say it and to feel that you know, if I’m not the right colour for them, well I can’t do anything about it, they have to change their mind :p
I’ve been coming online for about 15 min just to check mail, blogs, etc. 😀
Are your girls happy? Healthy? You don’t need to clean all day or do laundry all the time. I rarely clean and only do it in short bursts. That isn’t what makes someone amazing or a loving mother/wife. It’s who you are – and you, darling, are magic.
They do. I think you are so beautiful with just an amazing skin color. Celebrate it. *love!*
I love that you are using “I”.
It’s gorgeous, Nolwenn.
Nolwenn, So well said, so eloquent. We are the only ones who can choose how we feel, so we must push through those voices and get color on paper! I love that you didn’t like your painting at night and loved it in the morning! It’s such a wonderful, yet simple idea, to give yourself a little space and time sometimes.