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We are back to school. Three out of the four of us have actually started school back at the end of August. This is disorienting, a little scary and a lot confusing. Communication in our school system is not always the best. We knew last minute that our eldest, now in grade 10, was going back to school in person (note that as I write this, she is now in hybrid mode for the month of October, meaning she has a specific calendar this month to know when she goes to school and when classes are remote). Her sister’s school has almost no changes except they have to wear their mask 100% of the time and some lunches are in class, others they can move around (cafeteria or outside). I attend a local Cégep (=college) and only have 1.5hrs/week on site, sometimes another 3 hours are added for another class. Everything else is online.
And if there is something that throws me off, it’s incertitude. Big time..!

What’s in my brain?

1. I hate moving. Because it forces me to stay in the present moment and it is not something I am used to. But especially because it confronts me with the reality that we own way too many physical items. With the pandemic, garage sales are forbidden by our city but it’s mentally difficult to be realistic: dump everything; it would be way better to sell some of it because they could still be useful to somebody. What to do?
2. I should be a fucking hairstylist… been colouring my daughters’ hair and it’s always a nerve-racking process for me (I know this is just hair but still).
3. I can be a fucking amazing friend and a fucking great teammate. But talking to people brings a lot of anxiety.
4. Some classes I have already bring a lot of excitement. I am talking about photography, cinema, P.E. (which was an option I had between lots of different sorts of training and I picked the right one for me).
5. I am learning to let go of the fears I hold around my 13 yo daughter not doing her schoolwork, not knowing at least a little about what she wants to do with her life later on. It is not my job to push her again and again but to listen and guide.
6. Therapy kicks my ass.
7. Code-switching is a real thing! I noticed how I switch to speaking teenagers-from-Québec-slang when talking to my classmates, which I don’t do normally. WTF.
8. Quitting my job brings a lot of shame but it is the right decision right this moment.

Sometimes, you just need to jot it all down without any specific order, just so it’s less in your brain. Here goes (#sorrynotsorry).

1. I can’t wait to start working part-time instead of full-time. It was a compromise I have to take: either this or quit my current job completely
2. Tuesday was not an official day off. But my entire arm is hurting like hell and I just couldn’t risk for it to get even worse. So I was home instead. And today (Thursday) is another intense pain day: I called my doc office for an appointment but nothing before October! Luckily I can consult with a doctor at my husband’s office this afternoon.
3. I feel very (very) lonely. I do have my Soul Sisters but they are far away geographically. I need a covent nearby but why would people want to be my friend?
4. I am working on a shop update while fighting a fierce combat with my inner demons. “Nobody cares about your artwork, don’t you know this by now” is what I hear. Pretty loudly.
5. I envy artists who are killing it and making a living from their work. But I’m gonna work my ass off each time I’m off from the day job. I believe in what I create. I just hope somebody else does, too.
6. I feel lucky that my boss regularly gives me food to come home with instead of putting it the trash because the expiration date is today. I actually love the food we make.
7. I’m fucking angry at my body. And at my kind too, by the way. For feeding me lies. For not being strong enough to be “normal”.
8. It’s my birthday tomorrow and I’m always excited about it. I finally learned to ask for what I need. I love offering gifts, and to be honest I also love receiving them. (If you feel inclined, I have a tip jar where I use the money towards art supplies).
9. I am loving the changing relationships with my daughters. We laugh, we cry, we sing and dance. But the most important is that I know they trust me for the deep shit too and it means the world to me.
10. I love it when my Brother-in-law is here for his annual visit. He’s the only one who came every.single.fucking.year since our immigration to Canada.

1. Literally feeling like I have a fire within, burning my bones and articulations. This is what fibromyalgia is like, most of the time; especially when in a flare-up. I use my arms a lot in my day job (and welcome back biceps!) so my shoulder blade and elbow are currently in flames… It’s not going away, even though my husband massages me with a specific oil every night. Maybe I need to accept that this will be my new normal?
2. I love riding my bike to work. It only takes me about 10 minutes to go from home to work and I will miss it once the weather becomes the yuck it is in the Fall (rain) and the winter (snow and ice). Bonus points to the fact that my butt is becoming quite nice looking and that it builds muscles in my legs.
3. I miss spending time with my husband. He leaves for work before 7 am in the morning, and I am home around 7 pm at night. I don’t have real weekends either so we actually are lucky if we have one full day out of seven together.
4. Art Journaling saves my sanity. So does my diary. Putting the feelings outside of my head is essential to my mental health. I know I should find a therapist but with my work schedule, I don’t even know when I could go… Maybe it will be easier once I have a small car, too. Maybe.
5. I am relieved that my anxiety level finally decided to go back to almost normal. It was out of control for 3 weeks and I thought that it would just be another “new normal”.
6. I’ve been eyeing “Fresh Paint” for a while, it’s an online class by Flora Bowley & Lynzee Lynx. I took an in-person workshop with Flora years ago, at Teesha Moore’s then Seattle Studio and it changed my perspective on my creative process. I’d love to learn from her again. But it’s like a big chunk of a week’s worth of my current salary 🙁
7. Makeup and Sacred Adornments are a big part of my identity. However, as I work in the food industry, the rule is no makeup, no piercings on the face, no jewelry… I feel like this is another version of myself and I don’t like it, at all… I don’t like how I look at my job. It’s not me.
8. Grief is a bitch and it’s not always about a person. I need to grief art as my career and it hurts like hell to accept my huge failure. I still believe that I could bring something to people’s lives with my art but I never “made it”. Therefore, my heart is shattered that I need to get a day job to pay our bills and debts instead of working from home as an artist. Right now, I would much rather work 12 hours a day as an artist, but it’s not happening. I am grateful for my current job position though, don’t get me wrong.

Today, I feel scattered. I also feel like the living paradox that I am and so I will just dump what crosses my mind on this fine Saturday morning, at around 7:15am.
I started writing in my journal, as everyday. But my hand/arm still hurt and I have to take breaks. Typing hurts less so here we go.

On my brain, in no specific order:

❍ I am thankful that our teen daughter is spending a few days in New York Cities with her school (and her BFF). But I won’t lie: I have never been and feel a pang of envy that she is currently doing all the things I do dream of, too… Can’t wait for her to come back and tell us all about it! She deserves the break in what is a stressful school year for her.

❍ I wonder what I am doing wrong in my sharing of my artwork, or what I create in general. I *know* in my bones that it is not completely shitty, that it could reach the people who need the Nixie or the messages. However, it is not happening. And it breaks my heart to have so many paintings sitting on my shelves, waiting to be loved.

❍ I love homemade food better than the processed one. I wish my nervous system was not misleading my brain (hooray for Fibromyalgia) so I could feed my family better, more often anyway. I am teaching my daughters how to cook. For many reasons: because that is what the women in my family did. Because if I did not know how to cook, I would have been an even bigger mess as a kid and teen who spent so much meals alone. Because once they leave our home, I want them to know how to take care of themselves, and cooking is caring.

❍ I care for people. I love people but they scare the shit out of me. Even my closest friends. I am tired of reaching out sometimes, though. I wish that once in a while, I would be the one people check in with. Just to know that it is not one-ended. A “I think of you, how are you doing?” is fine. I am an introvert with social anxieties; but I am an introvert who needs a close knit of friends. And I don’t have that here. It hurts to feel lonely.

❍ I can’t enroll at the University of Montréal in the program I wanted (Nutrition) and I am bummed. So now, I am finding a Plan B, a plan C and all the way to the Z…

❍ I want to be better at filming, and at editing. So I will be shooting more and editing more. It is another way to share what’s in my head. How I see the world. And hell, how I even see myself!

❍ Since I am a teenager, I wanted to publish my words. I have had this inception of a mémoir started for years now. Ideas swimming around. But the same voice keeps telling me: “who on Earth would care about what you have to share?! yup: nobody!”. So I stop everytime I start.

On a lighter note…

So much thoughts and feelings

I started journaling again, to get it out as much as possible. When I had my first diary, I was about 7 years old and it was a birthday gift.

Diaries and I have a complex relationship. I resist using them as much as I love using them. Let me explain: I am intense. I feel things strongly and for a very long time, it was either black or white in my world. Now, I love all shades of grey in between. But I am overwhelmed by it all, most of the time. This is why I came to journaling it out, breathing exercises and creativity in every form.

Did you know how cooking can put you down into a meditative state ? I guess it is the repetition of the gestures. And the eventual glass of wine that goes with it 😉

I feel fucking lonely

See, I am an introvert and everything in me points to being awkward and weird when surrounded by people. Even though when I am at ease, I am the goofy talkative type, it is not easy.

I try not to dwell on it but most of the time, I feel fucking lonely. I usually love my me-time but I also have this deep in-my-bones need of having a circle of girlfriends. People who would know me and love me as I am. People to go out with or spend at-home time just being together. Folks who know they can count on me, as well.

But how do I let these persons find me ? How to maintain deep relationships without sounding needy ? If you know, please tell me…

I am a modern witch

I have seen so many times that if you don’t practice you can’t call yourself a “witch”. To those people, I want to say “go fudge yourself” (but I was raised better so I just think it).

For so long, I let my spiritual life on the back burner. I had other priorities, life happened and even though it was still on the back of my mind, I did not do any rituals nor my usual reading to deepen my knowledge.

Becoming a Mom, I wanted my daughters to be raised in an understanding and open home. We won’t force our beliefs on them and we answer all the questions they can have. And when we don’t know ? We simply research and come back to it with them: it is okay not to know.

I am back to daily practice but decided not to put any pressure on myself. To do things my way and at my own pace.

Creativity is saving my life

I am back in my ArtCave and it is becoming a regular thing again. For some unknown reasons, I am waking up earlier than my usual. Even though I should be pissed to be awake at 6am on the weekend, I am excited.

The picture right here is the perfect example of how creativity is saving me. I did this painting on a very tough day emotionally. A day I remember I just wanted to give up, throw the towel and let go. Instead, I literally ran to my Studio, picked the colors of my feelings and went to town.
The results is, to me, the pure essence of my emotions of the moment. Despair, sorrow, mental exhaustion… It is better out than in.