Today, I feel scattered. I also feel like the living paradox that I am and so I will just dump what crosses my mind on this fine Saturday morning, at around 7:15am.
I started writing in my journal, as everyday. But my hand/arm still hurt and I have to take breaks. Typing hurts less so here we go.
On my brain, in no specific order:
❍ I am thankful that our teen daughter is spending a few days in New York Cities with her school (and her BFF). But I won’t lie: I have never been and feel a pang of envy that she is currently doing all the things I do dream of, too… Can’t wait for her to come back and tell us all about it! She deserves the break in what is a stressful school year for her.
❍ I wonder what I am doing wrong in my sharing of my artwork, or what I create in general. I *know* in my bones that it is not completely shitty, that it could reach the people who need the Nixie or the messages. However, it is not happening. And it breaks my heart to have so many paintings sitting on my shelves, waiting to be loved.
❍ I love homemade food better than the processed one. I wish my nervous system was not misleading my brain (hooray for Fibromyalgia) so I could feed my family better, more often anyway. I am teaching my daughters how to cook. For many reasons: because that is what the women in my family did. Because if I did not know how to cook, I would have been an even bigger mess as a kid and teen who spent so much meals alone. Because once they leave our home, I want them to know how to take care of themselves, and cooking is caring.
❍ I care for people. I love people but they scare the shit out of me. Even my closest friends. I am tired of reaching out sometimes, though. I wish that once in a while, I would be the one people check in with. Just to know that it is not one-ended. A “I think of you, how are you doing?” is fine. I am an introvert with social anxieties; but I am an introvert who needs a close knit of friends. And I don’t have that here. It hurts to feel lonely.
❍ I can’t enroll at the University of Montréal in the program I wanted (Nutrition) and I am bummed. So now, I am finding a Plan B, a plan C and all the way to the Z…
❍ I want to be better at filming, and at editing. So I will be shooting more and editing more. It is another way to share what’s in my head. How I see the world. And hell, how I even see myself!
❍ Since I am a teenager, I wanted to publish my words. I have had this inception of a mémoir started for years now. Ideas swimming around. But the same voice keeps telling me: “who on Earth would care about what you have to share?! yup: nobody!”. So I stop everytime I start.