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This weekend, my Husband, our daughter Kaly (who is 12) and I finally watched the movie adaption of The Hate U Give, by Angie Thomas.
I read the book last year, even though I remember putting it off again and again. You see, there are books I know I have to read but the topic scares me for a reason or another, so I push back the date I’ll finally get to it. This was the case for The Hate U Give

If you want, I’ll talk more about this book in a specific blog-post because this one is not about it but about what it brought in my heart, again.
Kaly knew what the story was about (a teenage girl is the only witness of her best friend’s murder at the hands of a cop, to make it very short). It is about Black People. The story is about the pull of knowing where you come from, but wanting something more anyway. It is about family and friendship and community. But mostly, this story is about finding your voice and deciding: do you speak up or stay silent?

Art is my Voice

I am guilty. Guilty of not speaking up for what matters. For not being an advocate.
For the past couple years, I have been painting and using my art journals to process the feelings of injustice, of being on the wrong side of the skin tone color spectrum, of fear that I will die for something I did not commit. I am scared for myself, for my children, for my people. I am in rage, actually. But what do I do about it? Nothing. Because educating people is fucking exhausting, but if not us, then who?

“The Talk”

I knew we would have to talk about what this means. We are a mixed family (I am already from bi-racial parents, and my Husband is White… so we make a visually interesting bunch, the four of us.) I had THE TALK with my daughters a few years ago. That talk we have no other choice but to have: what do you do if you are arrested by a cop? I won’t lie: I am more scared to go to the US than I have ever been. It is safer here in Canada, but for how long? We can’t deny I am a woman of colour. Kaly is paler than I am but usually, people wonder. Mae is not visually near being Brown and my Husband is clearly White. I was asked in the past if I was the Mom (note: this fucking hurts).
My Husband and I are very different people, but somehow that might be why we work so well together. At some point in the story, Starr (the main protagonist) and her boyfriend (who is White) have a talk and she tells him “If you don’t see my blackness, then you don’t see me“. That’s when he tries to explain to her that he does see her skin colour, but it is not what he truly and deeply sees when he looks at her. And this is a discussion Chéri and I had over the years… Because he does not see my blackness either, and sometimes it is hard for me to talk about what it is to be a person of colour in a White family, that there will always be this disconnection between him and myself because of it.
Just thinking and writing about it makes me cry because this is a touchy subject. Something that is so difficult for me to articulate properly. But I feel like I have been silent for too long now, and I will speak my truth and use my weapon: my voice.

In the book, Angie Thomas uses 2Pac as a reference a lot.
The title comes from something he apparently said: “The Hate U Give Little Infants Fucks Everyone” (that is what his famous “THUG LIFE” stands for).
What do you think when you read this statement? Does it sound true, in your heart?

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

Oh my gosh. It is crazy how each week is different when being the same too. Does it make sense?
As part of being Unapologetic as a guiding force, and thanks to the Six Moons School of Alena Hennessy, I feel more in power of my creative career. Rome was not built overnight, nor is my career. I believe I am finding ways of being seen, of showcasing what I do in better ways. I am seeing results, and it makes me happy.

This week, I am thankful for:

• My husband being my rockstar
• Being asked to be part of a cool new project, more info next week
• Having asked for what I need
• Daily creative practice
• Books, always
• Having finished a painting I was really excited about
• You, who read what I have to share and/or take some time to comment
• Sunshine
• P!no new album is out today!
• Loving cooking meals for my family
• Seeing my bullshit for what it is, and working on it

Soundtrack for this week:

This is a subject that comes up quite frequently between my Husband and I. See, there’s a reason why I always use “passionate” to describe myself. I go head first in new passions like nothing else matters. Some have been part of my life for as long as I can remember, some are more recent. But to him, you should not make a career out of your passion, which shocks me every time he tells me so.

A few months ago, we watched the episode of “Chef – Pastry” about Christina Tosi. I love and admire her. Ever since I discovered her creations for Momofuku’s Milk Bar. She is passionate, she has that fire that almost died but that she did not let. It brought so many thoughts

Making art

When I was a kid, I used to make jars of colored salt and gift them to my family. I would sit down for hours, colored chalks, salt and empty yoghurt glass jars in hand, a newspaper covering the table as protection. I used to paint outside of my grandparents’ house as my Grandma and Mom were gardening. I was always doing something with my hands, maybe because I grew up as an only child and needed to busy myself. I wrote stories. My imagination had no limits.

Making art is not just about painting something, because you know as well as I do that creativity as various faces.
Also, once I started recording my process to share on Youtube, I discovered another passion: video editing. You guys: I have SO.MUCH.FUN editing my videos. Finding new ways to convey my stories, my creativity is always good for my Soul… so why not make it my job?

Reading

I don’t know at what age I was able to read by myself, but books have been in my life for as long as I can remember. The feel of paper and being transported into other universes and people’s lives is something I crave. Books are my escape route. Reading is what I do when I want to cut myself out of my own life.
One of my go-to Soul Care ritual is actually pretty simple: run a hot bath with Epsom salt.
I recently decided to go back to the beginning and quietly opened both an Instagram account (Bibliobibuli) and a book blog. It’s not filled yet, but it is a work in progress.
I would love to receive book for reviews. Putting it out there 😉

Cooking

Food has always been a big part of my daily life. I have all these pictures of family events focused around meals. This is not a cliché when we say that Frenchies are being social around food. We can spend hours at the table, not even necessarily eating but catching up, joking and being around loved ones.
Cooking brings back memories of me, my Mom, my Grandma, my aunts and even some of my uncles, together in the kitchen. Me on a stool, in charge of mixing whatever it was. These are found memories of my days as a kid.
At 18, after my career plan A didn’t work out, I started cooking school.
In France, right after our 1st daughter was born, I created the blog ABC-Cooking and even though I left right when I could become something out of it, it was quite big and is a project I am still proud of 14 years later. I am re-opening an updated version, called Nova’s Kitchen (Nova=Me), simply. For now, I write in French but I might make it bilingual.

Fitness

Living fibromyalgia (officially since 2011) is teaching me a lot about myself, and about my body.
See, I hated PE at school. I was quite bad at it so I was relieved to be exempted of it for my last two years of high school.
After two years of depression when I was diagnosed, I reached a point of no-return: I either continued drifting away, or had to make a change. Change it was. I started walking in our neighborhood for 15 to 40mn everyday. It was so hard at the beginning because I was heavy, and in a lot of pain. But fibromyalgia is like a vicious circle: the less you move, the more it hurts, the less you want to move…
Not too long after we moved to Québec, we signed up for Orange Theory Fitness. It is an hour-long fitness class that is both HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) and cardio. I knew nothing about this but it felt right. We were going 3+ times a week and I loved it. Pushing what I thought were my body’s limits became an obsession. Seeing results was a bonus.

How do I define my true calling, then ?

After reading what I just wrote, I realize that a lot of these passions were there when I was a kid, but abandoned at some point in my life.
Them coming back so strongly, when I least expected them, is what proves to me that I can’t escape them. I just can’t… So what should I do with all that?
I realized when I started trying to build a career out of my artwork, that it demands a lot of self-discipline, to be outgoing. It became too much pressure (put there only by myself). My creativity got blocked as a result. And that sucked! Sending my pieces around the world make me so happy, it is not even just about making money out of it.
I don’t have an answer to this question so I am open to your thoughts and input.

My creative process picked me, not the other way around. I experiment a lot, play around with how to get to specific results until I enjoy it.

I do get stuck

Frustration is something I have a really hard time dealing with. Whatever the cause of said frustration is, by the way.
However, when it comes to frustration within my process, I noticed something important: it is when frustrated that I get to become even more creative. How to get out of the block? How to improve this skill? It forces me to go beyond and eventually it feels great.
I learned to walk away. Let it sit for a while (sometimes, it takes me WEEKS to find a solution). This is also why I work on several artworks at the same time (and because I do not enjoy watching paint dry).

A lesson in surrendering

Painting intuitively might be a different experience and process for everyone. It is not easy to explain but putting it into words helps me see clearer.
I let my intuition run the show, but there is an intention behind every brush stroke I make. I am not just flicking paint around randomly, hoping it will create a masterpiece (if only!?). Intention has a big place in my creativity. Every piece starts and ends with intention. I might pick colours and patterns following these Inner Voices, but I know my stuff to make it work, too.
I firmly believe that when I create, I reach a state of consciousness that I can only access then. I may sound crazy, but that’s okay. I listen to the painting, what it wants, which patterns/colours/energy. I rely on it to go layer by layer.
I don’t say it is a straightforward process, because trust me: it is not. But this is how I do it, right now. It will probably evolve, because everything is always in motion.

A short backstory…

I started my adult creative journey by making small art for our home, back in Toulouse (France). It was a lot of decoupage and textured stuff. I was not comfortable with my own sense of style, and used books that offered art to reproduce.It was a good way to come back to it after decades of silence.

And then, I fell down the Youtube hole: I discovered women like Tamara Laporte, Samie Harding and Suzi Blu. These three ladies opened so many doors in my (he)art! That’s when I discovered both Mixed Media and Art Journaling.
They introduced me to the world of creating characters. That’s how I started painting girls, that later became the Nixies you know now.

Trying to break the clichés

Insecurities. Fears. Mental blocks. I still face them today. However, I learned how to notice when they enter my mind so I can do my best to bypass them.
I used to paint girls as I thought people would like them. It was forced but not conscious.
Please, don’t tell me what I do is “cute” because I won’t take it as a compliment (even if it probably is one). I create to feel, to make YOU feel.
Once I started making the art that needed to come to life, everything shifted.

The birth of my She’s A King series

It started as my 100 Nixies project. No pressure, no deadline, just exploring these characters and deepening my creative process.
Then, crowns appeared. On each of them. And the crowns are here for a reason… it became clear to me that this specific series was a whole and needed to be renamed.
She’s a King… why would they be a princess or even a queen when they truly are so much more than that. Their energy when I create them is palpable and loud. I feel rumbling in my insides, and humming in my Soul.
Their energy when I create them is palpable and loud. I feel rumbling in my insides, and humming in my Soul.
These Nixies are, for now, the zenith of the faces and characters I create. I am very proud of each of them and can’t wait to see what the last ten will look like. 100 faces to paint is a hell lot, but it is so exciting at the same time. I paint what comes forward on that specific moment in time. I let them come to me, tell me what they need and go for it. This is a huge step from a decade ago when everything started and they did not even have eyelids 😀
I wish you could feel their power.