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Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday ! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

This week, I am grateful for:

• The comeback of the Sun’s warmth
• There is a new album from Florence + the Machine coming out next month
• P!nk is coming back to Montréal after postponing the show scheduled last March. We have to wait a whole year though, but she is coming back !
• This thing I have been doing is going well and should have a great outcome in the next few months
• Prosperity
• Cooking our food
• Time spent in the Studio
• Video editing
• The difficult discussions I have with my husband
• Watching the birds outside my kitchen window
• Hugs (both being on the giving or the receiving side of them)

This week’s song:

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday ! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

This week has been emotionally tough for me. Various things and a lot of inner work needing to be tackle. Facing yourself is often not the easiest task…

This week, I am grateful for:

• Walks in the neighborhood
• Creativity in all its form
• Candies, even though I should stay far from them
• Starting reading aloud to my daughters again, after a long hiatus and even though they are 11 and almost 13
• Being open to let women find me so I have my girl gang
• Sharing my first video project for Strumpet Stencils
• Inspiration
• Loving cooking
• My understanding husband, helping me figuring out my life without pressure
• My best friend, Sophie
• Baths

What about you ? Please, share in the comments a few things you are grateful for if you feel inclined.

This week’s soundtrack:

So much thoughts and feelings

I started journaling again, to get it out as much as possible. When I had my first diary, I was about 7 years old and it was a birthday gift.

Diaries and I have a complex relationship. I resist using them as much as I love using them. Let me explain: I am intense. I feel things strongly and for a very long time, it was either black or white in my world. Now, I love all shades of grey in between. But I am overwhelmed by it all, most of the time. This is why I came to journaling it out, breathing exercises and creativity in every form.

Did you know how cooking can put you down into a meditative state ? I guess it is the repetition of the gestures. And the eventual glass of wine that goes with it 😉

I feel fucking lonely

See, I am an introvert and everything in me points to being awkward and weird when surrounded by people. Even though when I am at ease, I am the goofy talkative type, it is not easy.

I try not to dwell on it but most of the time, I feel fucking lonely. I usually love my me-time but I also have this deep in-my-bones need of having a circle of girlfriends. People who would know me and love me as I am. People to go out with or spend at-home time just being together. Folks who know they can count on me, as well.

But how do I let these persons find me ? How to maintain deep relationships without sounding needy ? If you know, please tell me…

I am a modern witch

I have seen so many times that if you don’t practice you can’t call yourself a “witch”. To those people, I want to say “go fudge yourself” (but I was raised better so I just think it).

For so long, I let my spiritual life on the back burner. I had other priorities, life happened and even though it was still on the back of my mind, I did not do any rituals nor my usual reading to deepen my knowledge.

Becoming a Mom, I wanted my daughters to be raised in an understanding and open home. We won’t force our beliefs on them and we answer all the questions they can have. And when we don’t know ? We simply research and come back to it with them: it is okay not to know.

I am back to daily practice but decided not to put any pressure on myself. To do things my way and at my own pace.

Creativity is saving my life

I am back in my ArtCave and it is becoming a regular thing again. For some unknown reasons, I am waking up earlier than my usual. Even though I should be pissed to be awake at 6am on the weekend, I am excited.

The picture right here is the perfect example of how creativity is saving me. I did this painting on a very tough day emotionally. A day I remember I just wanted to give up, throw the towel and let go. Instead, I literally ran to my Studio, picked the colors of my feelings and went to town.
The results is, to me, the pure essence of my emotions of the moment. Despair, sorrow, mental exhaustion… It is better out than in.

 … but be healthy instead.

It is not a secret that a few months ago, I took the plunge and decided to become a BeachBody coach. Why ? Because I believe firmly in their programs, and in the nutrition aspect added to them as well.

Today marks the 80th day of the program I have been doing: it is the final day of it. Yes, I am feeling emotional about it. I am known to give up after a while. Before the end. I find plenty of excuses (“my body aches” “I am exhausted” “I can’t do it” “this is not for me” and so on). So finishing a program is a big deal to me. I have lost about 13 pounds and more than 15 inches all over my body and these inches off are what makes me proud.

You can say whatever you want, I know now for a fact that you can eat as healthy as possible but don’t get your maximum results if you don’t move.

Having a group to belong to in which you share your goals, your achievements and your struggles is a huge part of my success. I have an amazing coach, Carmen, and she needs all the love and praise because I am here now thanks to her.

Why I don’t want to be “beach ready”

In my mind, when I hear “get your Summer body now” or “Start getting your body beach ready” it makes me cringe. Being healthy AND fit is a journey. Sure, I want to be comfortable wearing a bathing suite, but at any time of the year. I refuse to diet anymore. It worked for specific amounts of time but did more damage in the long run.

For me, there are goals to reach but no destination. In the past, I have done about 3 rounds of Whole30 and it helped on the moment. But not on the long term because it is not a continuous way of eating. I tried being paleo but the amount of animal products consumed did not provide what I need. However, I took with me all the ideas to avoid gluten, as I noticed it inflamed my body (I live with Fibromyalgia and IBS, amongst other stuff). I want to eat in a sustainable way, to find what works for me. I decided to stop finding a box to fit in. Just do me because my body is working as it is and does not need a box.

Leading by example

We won’t say it, but we all watch each other. Not necessarily with intention, and not in a creepy way. But we do. I am the mom of two daughters, currently age 11 and almost 13. It’s the age when they start to see changes in their bodies and to compare it with other girls. I don’t know why we do this to ourselves.

What makes me continue is the unexpected “I am proud of you Mama” or “Can I workout with you today ?” from them. Because I want them to know that food is fuel and fun, that cooking is not that complicated if you stick to it even when you mess up a meal. I want my daughters to be comfortable in their own skin, no matter what. It’s okay to want to change, too.

When you avoid seeing your beautiful self in the mirror, it is a sign change needs to happen. You deserve to cherish the reflection of you in that mirror.

Throughout the years, I lost a lot (I mean A LOT) of close friends because I kept being evasive to the conversational question “How are you doing ?“. I was told in the past that I was an egocentric person and became the perfect opposite. I thought it was the way to be; ask people about their lives (I was genuinely interested, though) and be vague about mine. I was not myself, even with my friends. And in hindsight: that sucks. Big time. To a point where at 18 I lost myself and wondered what my Essence truly was; who was I behind all the walls and the masks ?

I was always different in one way or another

However, I decided against showing it publicly for decades. Tired of hiding, I created a spiritual and magical forum for like-minded people to meet and connect online. I met some people who felt like family to me when I felt so alone in my day-to-day life, I am forever thankful for them.

I see myself as a former social chameleon. It was easier to adapt that to be me. In high school, I started showing outside who I was inside. I got my nose pierced at 14; my first tattoo at 16 (with Mom’s approval), wore eyeliner and black. Some classmates kinda feared me because they thought I would hex them and I enjoyed it a bit (to be honest).

But not anymore. I guess my now husband let me be totally my true self when we met and I am lucky it “cured” me.

Just stop hiding in plain sight

We all have our reasons to dim our own light. We all have our excuses  for not being who we truly are towards people. I learned the hard way that it does not serve anyone to try to appear as less than you are.

We need to see your light. Don’t be shy about it (but don’t become a bitch either, eh). We need to see who you are, the actual you.

Here is a song I like and that started playing while writing these words: