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Happy birthday to me 🙂 I love celebrating birthdays. Not just my own, but my loved ones’ too. Celebrating birthdays is part of my love language, one day each year I show how big and deep my love is. But I am a Virgo and it means that I usually have too high expectations (oops).

This year somehow feels different than the 31 previous ones. I can’t explain yet how come. Maybe it is because of the New Moon or maybe because I decided to stop giving a shit for what I should only let go.

I am quirky. I am not your average “well in all aspects” mom. I am unperfect. I am paradoxical. I am too much and not enough. I am creative. I am a blank canvas. I am a storyteller. I am not broken. I am a neverending dreamer. I am a daughter of the Moon. I am deeply passionate. I will love you as no one had loved you before. I am the stories yet to be written. I am fucked up. I am the Light and the Darkness combined.

I am so much more than what words could convey. I am in pain everyday in a body that fails me, but I refuse to let it define me.

32. Now is the time to stop being apologetic. Forever.

As Kesha is singing “Don’t let the bastards get you down” while I am writing down these thoughts on being you, I take it as the Universe telling me I am finally on the right path. For so long, I let others tell me who to be. How to behave. That I should not cry, be stronger, stop complaining. I will dress however I feel like, put colors in my hair, storylines on my skin. As I said before: being someone else is exhausting, so why don’t I just be who I know I am ?

This sums up everything:

And to leave you on a beautiful musical note:

You guys… you might think I am crazy because a few weeks ago, I purchased a Very Big Sketchbook. I first saw it on Facebook after Effy Wild shared about it on her timeline. You know by now that I have an obsession with journals and sketchbooks, and I have a ton of each (and still a good chunk empty).

Your words do not have to be legible

I assure you, they absolutely don’t. Your art journal is a sacred place that can be for your eyes only. Usually, when it is an art journal spread I know I won’t publicly share, I write as I’m pleased. Even when I want them to be clear in a video (for example), I can hide them in the first layers that will end up covered up.

Your art journal is yours, the decisions belong to you.

The saying “Hiding in plain sight” kept coming to me while I was creating this page. It was obvious soon enough in my process that this Nixie was a part of me that was actually always hiding, but right under everyone’s nose. Both here and not here at the same time.

Do you incorporate words in your art journal ? What’s your favorite method if you choose to add them in ?

Products used for this project:

✼ Very Big Sketchbook
✼ Gesso
✼ Radiant Rain mist – SNAPDRAGON
✼ Radiant Rain mist – GINGER FLOWER
✼ Stabilo mark-it-all – BLACK
✼ Silk Acrylic Glaze – KEY LIME
✼ Silk Acrylic Glaze – FOREST GREEN
✼ Oil Pastels

This is something most of us have trouble with. Dare. Dare saying “no, thank you“. Dare spending time alone. Dare go to all the places your heart feels called to explore (even if it means moving in a foreign country where you know no one).

I am sick of showing to the world versions of my Self that are untrue to my Essence. It is exhausting to be someone you know you are not, or not fully. So when your Soul says, loudly “no more bullshit. be true to you. stop hiding” you don’t have much choice than to obey the Inner Voice.

This is gradual in my life though. I got a tattoo at 16 (after two years of working it and talking about it all.the.time to my mom, who was against it. She went with me. And is still against all my tattoos), a nose piercing. Recently I finally got boxed braids with blue and purple. I now speak my Truths more easily.

In my creativity, it meant I needed to stop painting what I thought people would expect to see from me.

See, I am a pretty quirky and weird person once you know me. I am totally okay with it, but always afraid of being judged for it. My spirituality transpires in everything coming out of me. It is sometimes obvious, sometimes more subtle. Last year, when I began my 365 Nixies in 2016 project, I just let them come as they were; not judging the character, their features or their stories/messages. Most of them are odd but gosh, how I love them ! (psss: they are still looking for new homes).

Life taught me that it is way too short to walk its path in somebody else’s shoes. Mine sometimes feel too small, or too big, but they are mine nonetheless.

What are you doing to stay true to yourself ? It does not have to be big, like respecting your own boundaries for example. I celebrate all those steps you are taking to live the life you are meant to live.

If you are a long-time reader of my blog, you know I used to share with you, every Friday, a list of what I am grateful for. I also was inviting you to spend some time in reflection and comment about your own gratitude list. I did it for 7 years.

But because I was getting tired and frustrated of inviting readers without getting any response, I stopped the blog series (I am still doing daily gratitude list in my journals, though). I know, I know…..

You can read more my thoughts and why I started this ritual right there.

But today… today I feel the weight of the World. And when in pain, when it all feels too much, I take some time to go inward and look at the bright side. Seeing the glass half full does not mean burying your head in the sand, it is essential to know where you actually direct your energy (and your thoughts are energy, Loves. Truly).

This week, I am grateful for:

✮ The return of the Sun
✮ The day spent with my Mom and my Brother-In-Law in Montréal yesterday
✮ The love of my Husband
✮ The new tattoo I will have inked in October. Another story on my body.
✮ Getting back on track with my nutrition.
✮ Going to Orange Theory fitness 3+ times week with my Husband.
✮ Looking into going back to University.
✮ The daily Reiki I receive from my friend Alli.
✮ My friend Angélique who gets me so well and share my tattoo obsession.
✮ Our Rami nights.

What about you ? I am curious: do you have a Gratitude List ritual as well ? Is it a daily, weekly thing ? Right now, what are you thankful for ?

It’s been a few years already since I decided I wanted to Heal my Wounds. Those of the Heart & those of the Soul. Those I made to myself and those people inflicted on me.

These last ones are maybe the tougher because they ask for an action of somebody other of myself. At least, it is the case for me, because I need to understand what happened in order to accept and then go on.

The major issue is that 9 times out of 10, those people are not even in our circle anymore… So the work takes much more time than it could, and because I am aware that we should not base anything on suppositions and “IFs” it sometimes seems impossible.

And then… PSCHHH these persons come back one day, and you don’t know neither why nor how. You can then decide: welcome them, or reject them.

It’s while I was talking to one of these persons that I finally knew something I carried for too long in me: why am I seen as a fragile breakable girl that needs to be protected. And realized other persons felt that way about me as well.

Creating is what helps me release the pain. It does not completely heal the trauma (I guess I should see a therapist for that) but it helps a great deal. Art is a safe space to explore the tensions so I can set them free.

And creativity can be anything, really, for me it can take the form of free writing (dumping every.single.thing that’s on my mind in a journal. I still do it pen on paper, even though my brain usually goes way too fast for my hand to follow). It can pour it out onto a canvas, building up secret messages under layers and layers of paint. Or playing with colors in my art journals, hiding symbols and thoughts.

This is how I have faith in my future. Because I survived my demons and because I am conquering my fears.

How do you face your demons ?