I guess we all have triggers that bring us back to some parts of our past that hurt. Still. Sometimes decades after. For me, it usually has to do with my relationships. The people who let me down, the people with whom I grew apart. Now and then, the hurt comes back right in my face and my heart swells and hurts and I can not breathe anymore. I wish I could leave it in the past, sometimes I think I did but then… nope.
And today was one of those days where stories of the past came back to haunt me. How I was abandonned. How I was told I was such the worst friend ever and will finish all alone. Things like this. I have changed since but sometimes I wonder… did I really ..?
I love Sundays.
I usually wake up before everyone, except Kalyani (we seem to have an internal clock in sync… weird !) so I go in the Studio for quiet creative time. Today, I finished a Nixie I really really like, she does not have a name yet but she symbolizes the Element of Air for my Oracle Deck in the Making (titled Soul Deck for now). I like the peace happening on my weekend mornings in the Studio that does not seem to exist on week days, even if I go early. Wondering how come is that. Funny how paintings have a mind of their own, no matter how you try to pull it into a specific direction, if it is not the one intended by (whatever you want to call… I say The Universe, The Divine, but you might say Greater Spirit or even God…) The Universe, then it does not matter what I truly want.
The only thing I don’t like about Sundays is that it means back to work for my husband the day after and it makes it hard on my Soul to be apart from him.
This morning was the usual calls with the family in France, bits of errands… I helped Antho finish my bath caddy but we now have to way for the varnish to dry as it needs like six different coats (!). Excited for my bath next week 😉 We needed a shelf for our garage but Costco did not have the one like we already have so we came home with fruits instead (ahah).
Girls played with friends outside for a few hours, so good not to have to wait for Summer for that, can not believe we had our first barbecue of the year today ! I hope we won’t jinx the beautiful sunny days because gosh, we need vitamin D !
so yay… nothing excited today either but it was overall a good day and I take them as amazing so I can hold on to them when bad days strike.
How was your weekend ? What are you planning for the week ahead ?
xo
Welcome on a new edition of my weekly ritual, Gratitude Friday (if you are not familiar with it, please go read how it came up and what it is about).
My cup feels full today. My girls don’t have school and I refuse that they spend their entire day in front of a screen (and trust me, we have many…) so we will go outside (as soon as Mae finally finish her bowl of cereals… which usually takes about 45mn…), we will create in the Studio and bake a magic chocolate cake. Everything soothes with chocolate. At least, this is my plan, but we know it rarely go according to plan, right ?
This week, I am thankful for:
- Unexpected acts of kindness
- Learning new techniques
- Sleep
- Playing Kirby
- Time with my Husband
- Talks with my Mom
- Magical Mail waiting for me to pick it up tomorrow
- Fresh veggies
- Self-portraiture
- Creativity
- Vlogging
- Gemstones that help
- Deepening my spritual path, finding my way
- Friends of my daughters coming over
- Melissa spending the day with me
- Books
- My morning walks
I want to focus on that. The little things that make it better when I spend the time to actually feel them in my bones. Once I feel them deeply, it shifts everything.
What are you thankful for ?
Some days, I just need to put that red lipstick I love. Just because.
And that galaxy leggin people find ridiculous. Who cares ?
oh and that Lindt heart chocolate that makes me sick but I wanna indulge in eating anyway (my choice) ? yes, was delicious despite the cramps and stuff after.
I have my share of bad days and tend to ignore them. But I know that ignoring is not the right thing to do because… well… it does not solve it. or make it go away. And when I am cranky, when I feel emotions I don’t understand or can’t put a name on, I snap. To those I love the most, the harder. And I am sorry. So very sorry. This life is such a huge learning curve. I do believe though that by focusing on the pain (whether it is physical or spiritual or mental or everything) just gives it power and force… so what is the balance in all of that ? Repressing is bad, basking in it is bad… talking too much about it and not talking at all about it are equally damaging.
I think that the first healthy step is to acknowledge the emotion and then find a way to process it. After decades of eating my emotions, after years of detructive thoughts, I know it is not easy but I know it is possible to find a way out, to at least keep the head above the water. Having a tight support circle is essential. People you can call whenever you fell that it is getting too much, without sugar coating anything, just as you are. It is not easy to let the walls down, and people in. But you need someone. We all do.
So today was about cultivating my happiness, filling the well again. I walked longer and different paths than usual. I ate a good fresh salad for lunch. Put my favorite matte red lipstick. Enjoyed a ginger beer (no alcohol) while painting, and a chocolate. I took a long bath (started a new book by an author I know the name but never read a book from, I think). And then I received the most exquisite handmade journals (one for me and one for each of my girls) made out of Disney book bards, hand binded, ordered by my Kindred Mindy <3 Thank you so much !
I know, I am the first to say that you do not *need* a biological parent as long as you have a parental figure (this is an entire debate, not my point here) but today I really needed my Mom and so I called her.
Even though since she moved a few months ago it is more complicated because no landline anymore (she had free unlimited calling to Canada, and was really useful) , and also a more than wonky internet service… leaving us very frustrated. But I had a good cry, asked questions that had been on my mind (even if I know her answers might not been objective because I am her girl).
We are in the process of doing what we can to have my Mom live with us but one step at a time. We need her, and I want to believe she does needs us as well (I am an only child on her side).
I miss her. greatly. but I am thankful that we are still close despite the distance and the entire ocean and entire continent between us.
Some days are easier than others. I am pretty good at filling the holes. And I am proud of myself for not running to the Nutella jar, no matter how strong the call can be (we all have our coping mechanism of choice).
Not much more happened today… hopefully tomorrow will be smoother.
thank you so much for watching and for those who take the time to leave me a word, publicly or via email, it touches me deeply.
If there is anything you’d like me to talk about in one of the 15 remaining vlog please let me know.
take care.