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I was told (in no specific order) that I am “too sensitive” “too emotional” “too intense” “too shy” “too loud”… And it was not a compliment but a way to diminish my reactions. Well… as an INFJ and a type 5  (in the enneagram) I guess that yes, I am all these (and so much more). Knowing to balance my feelings feels like an impossible task, even now.

Yesterday, something happened in my close family that left me still in a bit of chock today. Nothing dramatic but still, I had to process it in my journal this morning.

Let the feelings sink in

In hindsight, one of the turning point in my life was 2003. I was heartbroken. My Soul family had abandoned me. I was living on my own for the first time (I was 18 and starting my University studies). I was empty inside, feeling like I had nothing else to give.

For so long, I ragingly fought the bad emotions swimming in my head. But it was like trying to go countercurrent. It lasted for years. Until that moment I decided to stop fighting it. To acknowledge the presence of an emotion I was not fond of, to welcome the lesson(s) it was bringing at that specific moment, and then let it go.

I believe that we all need a few tools to help us process things. So we don’t drown in our own feelings. Whatever works for you. May it be seeing a therapist, painting your heart out, writing the shit out of it, photography. Don’t let it govern your life so much.

Today, I am taking my own advices as it is one of those days. I want to either crawl back into bed until tomorrow or put my entire body under water in my bathtub. But life needs me to tackle it so it won’t happen. I got this ! And do you.

An uplifting song:

I am so happy about how this project turned out. I tend to buy things on a whim (working on that bad habit) and this is how I ended with this papier mâché box unused for years… Yes: years !

I integrate personal symbols in all of my art. But most of the time, I hide them in plain sight because they have meaning for me (and the meaning can be different for the person looking at it). I don’t like explaining what I do, to be quite honest with you… But for this specific project, I jumped and decided not to hide my symbols but to make them the focal point. (PS: scroll down for the list of supplies I used, with links).

Sarah’s stencils are simply amazing. The right amount of quirk with a top notch quality. I also used ColourArte products because they are my favorite.

Enjoy the video:

More photos:

Supply list:

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday ! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

This week, I am grateful for:

• • Unexpected gifts
  • Sunshine and warmer temperatures
  • Fresh food
  • Sisterhood
  • Finally being back in my ArtCave (aka home studio)
  • Sleep
  • My daughters and husband and Mom
  • All the self-work my Mom is doing for herself
  • Youtube (it is my go-to learning place)
  • Connecting with others
  • Possibilities

What about you ? What made you smile this week ? Share in the comments so you get it out to the world (promise, it feels amazing to do so ! :))

The song for this week:

So much thoughts and feelings

I started journaling again, to get it out as much as possible. When I had my first diary, I was about 7 years old and it was a birthday gift.

Diaries and I have a complex relationship. I resist using them as much as I love using them. Let me explain: I am intense. I feel things strongly and for a very long time, it was either black or white in my world. Now, I love all shades of grey in between. But I am overwhelmed by it all, most of the time. This is why I came to journaling it out, breathing exercises and creativity in every form.

Did you know how cooking can put you down into a meditative state ? I guess it is the repetition of the gestures. And the eventual glass of wine that goes with it 😉

I feel fucking lonely

See, I am an introvert and everything in me points to being awkward and weird when surrounded by people. Even though when I am at ease, I am the goofy talkative type, it is not easy.

I try not to dwell on it but most of the time, I feel fucking lonely. I usually love my me-time but I also have this deep in-my-bones need of having a circle of girlfriends. People who would know me and love me as I am. People to go out with or spend at-home time just being together. Folks who know they can count on me, as well.

But how do I let these persons find me ? How to maintain deep relationships without sounding needy ? If you know, please tell me…

I am a modern witch

I have seen so many times that if you don’t practice you can’t call yourself a “witch”. To those people, I want to say “go fudge yourself” (but I was raised better so I just think it).

For so long, I let my spiritual life on the back burner. I had other priorities, life happened and even though it was still on the back of my mind, I did not do any rituals nor my usual reading to deepen my knowledge.

Becoming a Mom, I wanted my daughters to be raised in an understanding and open home. We won’t force our beliefs on them and we answer all the questions they can have. And when we don’t know ? We simply research and come back to it with them: it is okay not to know.

I am back to daily practice but decided not to put any pressure on myself. To do things my way and at my own pace.

Creativity is saving my life

I am back in my ArtCave and it is becoming a regular thing again. For some unknown reasons, I am waking up earlier than my usual. Even though I should be pissed to be awake at 6am on the weekend, I am excited.

The picture right here is the perfect example of how creativity is saving me. I did this painting on a very tough day emotionally. A day I remember I just wanted to give up, throw the towel and let go. Instead, I literally ran to my Studio, picked the colors of my feelings and went to town.
The results is, to me, the pure essence of my emotions of the moment. Despair, sorrow, mental exhaustion… It is better out than in.

Today, I realized how much I do not live in the present. I am waaaay better at it than I used to, and in hindsight it almost was like I compulsively was either in the past or in the future but never in the present !

Recently talking with my best friend a few days ago and told her we both were the Melancolic Spleen kind of women and this was partly why we felt like we did not belong with others. I tend to relive the past, over and over, and wonder “what if…” all the time. There is no point doing that and it leaves me sad more than anything else.

Learning to let go

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It does not mean to forget what happens. To let go is to accept what used to be, and then move forward. I think a lot, introspect all the damn time, wonder, ponder, create various scenari about how something could have gone but did not.

I wish I could ask all the questions and get answers. But what would it change, would it bring closure ? Maybe not. Torture ? Sure.

How creativity helped me to let go

As I told you recently, I used to be a very prepared artist. Sketching, planning, overthinking. But then, a shift happened. Art journaling was my way to take any anger, any doubt and all these “what if-s” out of my system. Out of my head.

Creativity taught me not to get attached to the outcome. To love the process more than the end result. By doing that, it’s okay to let layers go. To move forward by knowing everything will turn out as it’s meant to.

Have you noticed how everything is intertwined ? How life and creativity mirror each other ?