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It’s been a few years already since I decided I wanted to Heal my Wounds. Those of the Heart & those of the Soul. Those I made to myself and those people inflicted on me.

These last ones are maybe the tougher because they ask for an action of somebody other of myself. At least, it is the case for me, because I need to understand what happened in order to accept and then go on.

The major issue is that 9 times out of 10, those people are not even in our circle anymore… So the work takes much more time than it could, and because I am aware that we should not base anything on suppositions and “IFs” it sometimes seems impossible.

And then… PSCHHH these persons come back one day, and you don’t know neither why nor how. You can then decide: welcome them, or reject them.

It’s while I was talking to one of these persons that I finally knew something I carried for too long in me: why am I seen as a fragile breakable girl that needs to be protected. And realized other persons felt that way about me as well.

Creating is what helps me release the pain. It does not completely heal the trauma (I guess I should see a therapist for that) but it helps a great deal. Art is a safe space to explore the tensions so I can set them free.

And creativity can be anything, really, for me it can take the form of free writing (dumping every.single.thing that’s on my mind in a journal. I still do it pen on paper, even though my brain usually goes way too fast for my hand to follow). It can pour it out onto a canvas, building up secret messages under layers and layers of paint. Or playing with colors in my art journals, hiding symbols and thoughts.

This is how I have faith in my future. Because I survived my demons and because I am conquering my fears.

How do you face your demons ?

After almost a decade of daily creative work, I gained some insight about who I am.

Journaling my heart out through writing (either the daily morning pages, transformed into “whenever pages”, or just writing when it became too heavy inside and had to get out out out). Painting in color so emotions would come forward, so texture would tell my secrets without me having to be loud and clear about it. Cooking so my family would know how much I care about them and their well-being, so I would feed their souls as well as their bodies.

I would do all that so I would not have to truly think and acknowledge what I was going through. 

Health has not been great for most of my life but nothing too serious until my teenage years. I won’t share into details but it changed how people were feeling about me, therefore it changed my vision of myself as well (because it is often easier to take what they tell you you are for true than going further than that).

It took my body to completely crash down in 2011 and to feel sorry and pitiful for myself to decide enough was enough. I was not even 30 yet and could not believe I felt like I was more than twice my age, that my body was abandoning me like that. I remember silently screaming that it was not fair. For two years, I almost lived in my yoga pants and leaving the house only when I had no other choice; it was that bad.

During that time, creativity saved me from going insane. I noticed that the less I was doing, the more problematic it was to hear my Inner Voice and to create anything. I thought I was fighting but was losing the battle because nothing was working. Until I pushed really hard, to accept my situation and let go of all the “should” I was filling my mind with.

I set goals and work my ass off to reach them

I decided to give gluten a break, as for refined sugar. Just to see if my body would be less inflamed. After all, why not ? It was not easy, especially as I am not living alone and that temptation is here all around.

It takes time to figure out a diet that is not so strict that it is not possible in the long run (I am not allergic to anything, so it is all about the decisions I make for myself, nothing is imposed on me). I tried being 100% Paleo and completed several rounds of Whole 30. But because I am not a meat lover and do not enjoy consuming meat at all, it is not suitable for me in its entirety. I tried to be 100% vegan but always come back to a bit of dairy consumption. I was hard on myself for not being able to fit into any dietary box until I said “f**k this, I will just cook and eat what I both love and is good to me”. I lost about 20kg (+- 44lbs) and felt GREAT (see picture taken in my former Teal Studio).

My creative life was at its zenith, daily painting/journaling was perfect. I was finally in my happy place, in all areas of my life.

And then we moved to the other side of the country. I stopped my daily walks in the morning (I highly recommend it, it helps clearing your mind, and to keep moving is essential when you have fibromyalgia), I ate whatever was easy and quick. The results ? The flare-ups came back stronger than ever, I gained 10kg and started to hate what I was seeing in the mirror. Back to square one. I did not paint or sketch for half a year. No inspiration, I did not even see the point of stepping into my Studio (brand new one)… The picture on the right is a recent one, I still do not like what I see BUT I am taking charge. Going to an amazing workout Studio 3 times a week with my husband since April, doing my best to get back to a healthier diet (bye bye Nutella) and not giving up. It takes time for fat to melt, I always had a very hard time losing weight and keeping it off but knowing it is possible is what keeps me going. And you know what ? I am painting again ! Nixies are back after a little break.

This is how reclaiming my body as my own is keeping me creative.

It aches so much I feel like my heart is about to shatter into a million more teeny pieces than it already had. When I think it is mending, healing, it explodes again. Louder.

I curve my body into a ball and sob in the dark. I cry all I can to release the pain that occupies my being. I did something stupid because I did not want to care anymore, caring hurts too much sometimes. I drank, asked to my husband to make me a cocktail strong in alcohol and added a glass of wine on top of it. I told you it was something stupid…

I had a choice: either leave, or use that pain to create something out of it. With hindsight, I know I was really close to say ciao bye bye and just leave. But I picked the latter, because I am not a quitter. So I coped as I usually do:

I went downstairs in my Teal Studio, closed the door (which I never do), put the music very loud and grabbed the biggest piece of canvas board I have found, it is a strange size: 10×14″ (usually it is 11×14″). I picked colors that my heart was bleeding, red and white, a palette knife and decided to let it out. The pain, the frustration, the despair, my tears. It is all on this canvas. I let her come to me, I did not think about what I was doing, and it actually felt good to just DO. I don’t say I want to experience this again, alcohol induced art. Some artists create amazing stuff because they were under the influence of something, but I don’t want to be one of them. I wonder how to use these negative feelings that come and go as a catalyst to great art.

All I do is from my feeling. They are all part of what I am living on the moment they come to life. Meet Deirdre:

Deirdre, 10×14″ on canvas board

Truth is… sometimes I feel like my life sucks. I feel like I can not take it any more. I feel like my art is shitty, and if my art is unworthy, so am I. But this is the stories I tell to myself as an excuse.

Art heals, brushstroke after brushstroke. Smudging the oil pastels with the fingers. Letting the energy passing from my heart to my art.

She came out strong, no hesitation for one bit when I was letting her emerge from the chaos in my heart. She freely came to life, effortlessly. And she accomplished her mission of putting things from my inside to something I can look at. A visible reminder. However, I know she belongs to somebody else, someone who like me ached and need that reminder that from our tears and chaos, greater things can come up. I wrote a bit more of Deirdre’s story on Etsy. You can go read if you feel the pull (I invite you, gently, to…).

If you follow me on Facebook and Instagram, you may have seen that I decided last week to challenge myself this month.

September is my birthday month, I always want it to hold something different, just for me.

After two years with fibromyalgia, a move across the planet from where I was born and raised to where my heart belongs, lingering depression and more that put my body into the heaviest I’ve been (yes, more than when I was actually 9 months pregnant ! shocker), it is time to go back to who I know I am.

It is difficult to look at myself in the mirror and see someone I don’t recognize. I do a lot of Soul Work, because it’s who I am. I am beginning to understand the link between my thoughts, my Spiritual path, and my body (because yes, they are intertwined together).

I jotted some ideas of what I want to focus on this month, knowing I can’t do well on something too rigid:

Food is the major part of what I need to focus on, I can indulge too easily. I am an emotional eater, been since I am a teenager. I am aware of it, but sometimes awareness is not enough. By doing this publicly, I find myself kind of accountable. No Nutella this month (it is my nemesis, even if I know exactly the side effects it has on me every single time I have some).

One of my goal is to see myself differently, and also to find the food that helps if not eliminate, at least reduce the inflammation and exhaustion. 
Self-portraiture is something I do for that purpose. Not out of narcissism, but I noticed how it helps me document who I am at a precise moment. It does not have to be a photo of my face. I won’t necessarily share it on social media or here, but for this month of September, I will take a self-portrait everyday. And see what comes up at the end of the month…

I know some of you expressed interest in this project, I would love to know what is your plan, even if it is just two-three things you want to do this month to get into a better health.

I use the hashtag IntoWellness, so if you post something related please feel free to use it as well so I can find you 🙂

Jo Anna Rothman is one of these chicas I can call “friend” even if we never met yet. She is an amazing healer, she is also an intuitive counselor & guide.

I met her I don’t remember where (I think it’s via Twitter, when I saw a retweet of her by someone I am following, and won a reading with her) but it was through her AMAZING project called The Receiving Project. It is totally free, it’s a 32day project during which you commit to focus on what you are receiving. Seems weird ? Here is what Jo Anna explains about it:

”The Receiving Project is 32 day process designed to explore and enhance your ability to receive the multitude of gifts that life has to offer.
[…] Something amazing happens when people set the intention to receive gifts from The Universe.  They become open to the magnificent presents that are all around them, everyday.  They get into a groove where goodness flows. And most of all they have fun.
All you do is set the intention to receive a gift from the universe every day for 32 days. These gifts can come in any and every form. If you feel like it’s a gift that you were able to receive, then it counts.
To support you in your process you will receive a twice weekly email newsletter. I am available via email for additional assistance.”

I participated in the project and it simply changed my life. It totally goes along my ritual Gratitude Friday, to focus on all the positive happening in my life instead of what the rocks on the road are.

Once you pay attention to the gifts you receive everyday (yes: every single day), you realize how full your life is. Of course, sometimes you wonder “is it real ?” and my answer is simple and quick: yes.

We tend to link “gift” with a physical thing someone offers to us. But it’s not that narrowed. The inspiration you were waiting for is a gift, the sun on your face despite the fact the forecast’s announcement of pouring rain is a gift, a dream telling you the message you needed to hear is a gift and so on.

The magic in the Receiving Project is that it opens you to receiving uncounsciously because you know you don’t “ask too much” and that you deserve all of this.
32 days is perfect: neither too long nor too short (but I miss weekly emails by Jo Anna though).

She also runs a Healing Circle every month in the San Fernando Valley area (California) and one-on-one session as well.

Jo Anna is working hard on creating a fantastic new website and a 2.0 version of The Receiving Project !!!!!

Her website: Jo Anna Rothman
Learn more about The Receiving Project
Facebook page

And you know what ? I am giving away a one hour session (by phone, skype or messenger). Trust me: she is awesome.

The winner will be randomly chose (via random.org) on Monday October 11th. The giveaway is opened until Sunday 10th midnight Pacific Time.

Let me a comment to this post telling me what you feel you need to receive from the Universe right now.

Good luck everyone (i have two more things to giveaway…) !