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It aches so much I feel like my heart is about to shatter into a million more teeny pieces than it already had. When I think it is mending, healing, it explodes again. Louder.

I curve my body into a ball and sob in the dark. I cry all I can to release the pain that occupies my being. I did something stupid because I did not want to care anymore, caring hurts too much sometimes. I drank, asked to my husband to make me a cocktail strong in alcohol and added a glass of wine on top of it. I told you it was something stupid…

I had a choice: either leave, or use that pain to create something out of it. With hindsight, I know I was really close to say ciao bye bye and just leave. But I picked the latter, because I am not a quitter. So I coped as I usually do:

I went downstairs in my Teal Studio, closed the door (which I never do), put the music very loud and grabbed the biggest piece of canvas board I have found, it is a strange size: 10×14″ (usually it is 11×14″). I picked colors that my heart was bleeding, red and white, a palette knife and decided to let it out. The pain, the frustration, the despair, my tears. It is all on this canvas. I let her come to me, I did not think about what I was doing, and it actually felt good to just DO. I don’t say I want to experience this again, alcohol induced art. Some artists create amazing stuff because they were under the influence of something, but I don’t want to be one of them. I wonder how to use these negative feelings that come and go as a catalyst to great art.

All I do is from my feeling. They are all part of what I am living on the moment they come to life. Meet Deirdre:

Deirdre, 10×14″ on canvas board

Truth is… sometimes I feel like my life sucks. I feel like I can not take it any more. I feel like my art is shitty, and if my art is unworthy, so am I. But this is the stories I tell to myself as an excuse.

Art heals, brushstroke after brushstroke. Smudging the oil pastels with the fingers. Letting the energy passing from my heart to my art.

She came out strong, no hesitation for one bit when I was letting her emerge from the chaos in my heart. She freely came to life, effortlessly. And she accomplished her mission of putting things from my inside to something I can look at. A visible reminder. However, I know she belongs to somebody else, someone who like me ached and need that reminder that from our tears and chaos, greater things can come up. I wrote a bit more of Deirdre’s story on Etsy. You can go read if you feel the pull (I invite you, gently, to…).

You may know I love art journaling and even sketching ideas around.

It is not always easy to find the perfect art journal to work in, so I decided to make some. For me first, but I loved the process SO.MUCH that I decided to do more of them to offer to you in my shop.

I love soft cover journals because it is easier to put them in a bag and carry around. I hand painted each of the cover with acrylic paint and alcohol ink and used the same stencil but with different sprays for the inside covers.
2 out of the 3 journals have a flap. They all close with an elastic and are embellished with beads.

Each is $55.00 USD (plus the shipping and handling fees).

For this project I created for ColourArte, I really wanted to see how the Primary Elements, these amazing pigments powders from ColourArte, would work on a different surface. And I really wanted to make something with Paperclay.

My heart was pretty thick so I had to wait a couple of days before going on with the project, but it was worth the wait ! I absolutely fell in love with the Primary Elements pigments, they are highly pigmented and come in more than 100 of colours. (stay tuned for a video about them coming this month).

I really hope you will give it a try, if so please don’t be shy to share the result with me 🙂

List of the supplies I used:

Paperclay	Princeton Catalyst Polytip Bristle Brushes	Liquitex Acrylic Gesso	Blue Grass Twinkling H2O	Pink Grapefruit Primary Elements
Carmen Primary Elements	Cedar Wood Primary Elements

InLinkz.com

I am back from attending the Creative Nomad Retreat in sunny Palm Springs, California. It was the first time I went away on my own, by plane to make it even more stressful fun. I am writing this from my bed, in the middle of the day. I guess I pushed my body too hard without noticing and now it is coming back at me, pain+insomnia+exhaustion makes it hard but it was worth it.

I learned with Brian Kasstle and Roxanne Coble, two days with each. Honestly, I did not really know either of them when I signed up. So you may wonder, “why the hell did you register if you did not know about the teachers ?“. Well… I have been following Tracie Hanson, our hostess extraordinaire, for a few years now (since we were together in classes by Connie from Dirty Footprints Studio). When she announced that she was putting a retreat together in California, it picked my curiosity, I love the name she chose for it and it somehow spoke to me instantly. Then… my Love Mindy said she was going to attend as a student so I paid even more attention to what it was about, when etc. Going to an art retreat is expensive, I won’t lie. You pay for the classes, for the transport and for part of the meals once there. So I gave this a LOT of thoughts. Talked about it with my husband several times. And we decided that I would work even harder, pay with sold paintings and go. So here I was !

What I take home from this retreat experience

• I can go towards people, social anxiety can be lowered.
• Being uncomfortable is not a bad thing, it means I am evolving and growing.
• Being surrounded with creative people makes a difference.
• Laughter is the cure to everything (and it helps to create killer abs ;)).
• Creative boundaries can be pushed again and again. And redefined.
• Making a successful retreat is all in the details.
• Arriving the day before was the best decision, so I did not have to over-stress about being on time on day 1.
• Spending a few days away from my family was what I needed, so I could become my self again.
• Making art all day long is frustrating but as Elizabeth Gilbert wrote (and I repeated this over and over in my head… and sometimes out loud):

Frustration IS the process.

A few photos:

Brian Kasstle’s group photo after his Totems class.

Roxanne Coble’s group photo for her Adaptations class

Mindy, Consu, Dawn, Dori: thank you for making it even better thanks to your amazing selves and cuteness <3

Welcome on a new edition of my weekly ritual, Gratitude Friday (if you are not familiar with it, please go read how it came up and what it is about).

If you are not from my generation you might have no clue about the phenomenom The O.C. tv show was. And every single time I hear “California” the song from the beginning plays more or less loudly in the back of my head (you’re welcome, I have put it at the end of the blogpost).

If you are not following my adventures on social media, you may not know that I currently writing from my hotel room in Palm Springs when I am spending a few days at the Creative Nomad art retreat, as a student. We have 4 days of class, two teachers (Brian Kasstle and Roxanne Cobble) and it is facilitated by Tracie Hanson.

I met my Kindred Mindy Lacefield again (we met in person in Port Townsend 2.5 years ago) and other amazing ladies (not saying that much as I want to sit and talk about it longer next week); my body is aching and tired but my heart is full.

This week, I am thankful for:

• Stretching my wings. Doing what is hard but still.
• The chance to be here, to have my husband and my mom in charge at home caring for the girls.
• The low king bed in my hotel room (I hate when I have to jump to get into bed).
• Meeting new people and people I knew online.
• My friend Jen cheering on me when I am close to being way too nervous.
• Elizabeth Gilbert’s (audio)book Big Magic and the short sentence FRUSTRATION IS THE PROCESS that stuck with me throughout the first class.
• Spending time to find who I am again without being the Mom/Wife/Daughter of somebody.
• Video calls with the family back home and being on the same time zone.
• Warm sunny weather, especially in January.

What about you ? what have you close your eyes and mouth “thank you” ?