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That’s it, another year has passed and a new one is at its inception point. Funny how the anticipation builds up for ONE day a year, but nothing is really predictable…

31.

I love birthdays, I love celebrating. I want the person to feel special, to know s-he is so loved. It is not about the gifts (even though yes, it is always nice to know people took the time to think about it etc).

My birthday, as Samhain and the New Year, is a time for me to reflect on what the year felt like, what worked and what failed. A lot happened for us… we moved across the country, sold our house in British-Columbia and bought a new one (very different) in Québec, built a swimming pool in our backyard, have to adjust to a new school system… just a lot packed this year.

I have not created anything in like three months. I both felt frustration and relief that I could take that time away to regroup myself, get grounded in our new place and care for our girls that went through a bit of a difficult time when we arrived.

I am also thinking: what do I want my 31st year to be like ? what do I absolutely want to accomplish ?

I do not have all the answers right now but working on it. Sketching, writing… these are my go-to tools when I am around this time of the year.

Tell me: how do you like to celebrate YOUR birthday ?

I am back from attending the Creative Nomad Retreat in sunny Palm Springs, California. It was the first time I went away on my own, by plane to make it even more stressful fun. I am writing this from my bed, in the middle of the day. I guess I pushed my body too hard without noticing and now it is coming back at me, pain+insomnia+exhaustion makes it hard but it was worth it.

I learned with Brian Kasstle and Roxanne Coble, two days with each. Honestly, I did not really know either of them when I signed up. So you may wonder, “why the hell did you register if you did not know about the teachers ?“. Well… I have been following Tracie Hanson, our hostess extraordinaire, for a few years now (since we were together in classes by Connie from Dirty Footprints Studio). When she announced that she was putting a retreat together in California, it picked my curiosity, I love the name she chose for it and it somehow spoke to me instantly. Then… my Love Mindy said she was going to attend as a student so I paid even more attention to what it was about, when etc. Going to an art retreat is expensive, I won’t lie. You pay for the classes, for the transport and for part of the meals once there. So I gave this a LOT of thoughts. Talked about it with my husband several times. And we decided that I would work even harder, pay with sold paintings and go. So here I was !

What I take home from this retreat experience

• I can go towards people, social anxiety can be lowered.
• Being uncomfortable is not a bad thing, it means I am evolving and growing.
• Being surrounded with creative people makes a difference.
• Laughter is the cure to everything (and it helps to create killer abs ;)).
• Creative boundaries can be pushed again and again. And redefined.
• Making a successful retreat is all in the details.
• Arriving the day before was the best decision, so I did not have to over-stress about being on time on day 1.
• Spending a few days away from my family was what I needed, so I could become my self again.
• Making art all day long is frustrating but as Elizabeth Gilbert wrote (and I repeated this over and over in my head… and sometimes out loud):

Frustration IS the process.

A few photos:

Brian Kasstle’s group photo after his Totems class.

Roxanne Coble’s group photo for her Adaptations class

Mindy, Consu, Dawn, Dori: thank you for making it even better thanks to your amazing selves and cuteness <3

A few days ago, I turned 30. I was actually looking for this moment, 30 sounds good.!

My BFF finds being 30 stressful, because she feels like she has so much to figure out and achieve, and I can understand that. All of our paths are different, and each decision we take define that somehow.

I am 30 and found the love of my life when I was freshly 18, after my heart was deeply bruised and I thought I would just end up alone (not deserving the love of anyone, friends and romance).
I am now the Mom of two girls, came to the country I was meant to plant new roots in and I now am a Citizen of Canada. You could say I got all my heart wanted… and I could say that it is true. When deeply, I know it would be a lie. I am satisfied with what I have and I start every morning with a short ritual of deep Gratitude for the chance I have to start anew and go on and breathe.

I have so many dreams, so many things to discover, to try, to experience. and I hate when people tell me «you got all the time of your life» because I don’t feel like I do, I feel like life is very fragile. I want to share with the world what I am made of, discovering what it means everyday. Showing up for you. Showing up to tell the stories that will resonate with you, in my paintings.

So many dreams to bring to life. So many.

And now, in this new decade of my life… it is time. it is my time to shine to make YOU shine. To show you that feeling the feelings is okay and that we are not alone. Defining what being Nolwenn looks like.

So cheers to this new chapter, the one I decide to write. I won’t let life happen to me. I create it, one decision at a time. one step at a time.

This decade will be another life altering one, I can feel it already. Many changes to come, both on a personal level and regarding what I want my career to be and feel.
So many mysteries, which is too what makes life so good: we get to decide. Even when we feel defeated and lost. We get to decide if we let the Darkness win or if we want to fight back.

Have you ever felt like something in your life was about to change, for good, but you could not pinpoint what that something actually was ? Yes, this strange feeling of being on the verge of it with no idea if you will fall or raise, just that it was happening. That’s where I am at right now. Scary exciting !

Yesterday was a very important day for my family: we are now officially Canadian citizens. We have been living in British Columbia since January 2009, and I thought that maybe my story was worth sharing.

For me, it all began in middle school, I think I was 13. See, I was in a special program from grade 8 to grade 12 in which my studies focused on English (culture, language etc). We studied the english-speaking countries and had to do a presentation as a binome. And we got Canada. I had to do researches (which I love, the presentation itself, not so much). And I fell in love with a country far far away…

People ask me, all the time: why did you leave France ? Why Canada ?

and I can not answer, not really. There was this calling inside my guts. This knowing “this is where I belong”. I never felt French, even if I am by blood. As a teenager, I did a specific program in middle school and high school focusing on my English learning (not just the language) and I have a special mention on my high school diploma thanks to it.

I never was shy about my desire to discover Canada. My Mom knew about it right from the start and she gave me the blessing of allowing me to dream that dream, to go for it. Even if it meant having her only daughter go live thousands of kilometers away. In high school, my class was supposed to go on a big trip to Halifax, Nova Scotia. This trip was the light in the nightmare high school was for me. It would be the first step into getting to know this country that was calling so hard. But… Ben Laden attacked NYC and our trip was cancelled, too much fear around coming anywhere near the US. This felt like someone crushed my dream, hard. But in 12th grade I talked to my English teacher about the possibility of finding a job as what we call an “au-pair”: you are the nanny of kids, live at the family’s place, they provide food etc. I found an agency specialized in placing people in families, I wrote all my file and my teacher wrote me a very nice cover letter explaining why I would be perfect. BUT I could not pay for the fees so I had to let that go as well.

At that point, I really started wondering: is that too big and too crazy of a dream ? How come every plan gets something in the way against it ?

I’ve always believed in fate and in signs. So this is where I did my best to let that dream go. Just let it go so it would not hurt as bad. Went to college, met the amazing guy who now is my husband after a year of personal hell. On our first date, or maybe the second, I told him: “what would you think of leaving France for Canada, to make our life there ?” And he smiled, telling me that he wasn’t thinking of Canada specifically but he wanted to live abroad. This is when I knew he really was the guy I prayed for.

At the time, like most French people, I was thinking East, Québec. Because it seemed like it would be easier, at least at first. But we wanted to get married, have our children born in France (even if no matter where you children are born in the world, they become French by right of birth thanks to us… still…). And we did all this, while planning how to get to Canada. Where ? We crossed Québec off of our options because of the climate (way too cold and everything) so we thought… Vancouver. All the way West but a climate we knew, mountains, ocean, not far from the US border. We came for two weeks in the Summer of 2006, we left our 10 month old Mae with her grand-parents and rented a studio for our time there. Fell even more in love.

The Ravens everywhere and the sound of the Native drums were all we needed to know deeper in our cells: this is home.

This is home… and where our second daughter, Kaly, was conceived 😉

From then, we kind of accelerated our process and sent our papers to become Resident Permanents. We arrived on January 13th, 2009 and never looked back. Yes, sometimes I want to leave here to go back to France but not because I miss it, just because I miss my family. We don’t have someone to help us out when we feel like we are running out of steam and our losing our mind. And I am afraid our daughters will eventually turn it against us, tell us we ripped their roots off. That they don’t have what their friends have: a family to go to during vacations, reunions once a year with cousins and aunts and grand-parents. They are sad now and then, I am too. But I know, still, that it was the right choice to make for our future. For our little tribe of four.

We now own a beautiful home south of Vancouver, the girls are bilingual with no french accent when they speak english. We have possibilities we would not have had if we have stayed in France. I could not thrive. Neither would my husband. We don’t have racism issues like we experienced back then because we are a bi-racial family.

And today… we are Citizens. We can say proudly we are Canadians. And still French. This will not change as long as we are allowed to keep both. The Judge who officiated the citizenship ceremony said really beautiful things about us adding to the country fullness, that immigrants are what makes Canada such a great diverse place to thrive and to be whatever we want to be. This is what we wished for our daughters all along: for them to become who they are, with no restrictions nor limit nor bound. And we are there, now.

It took me half of my life to make this crazy dream my reality, but here it is. On a 13th again (we arrived in the Country on January 13th, sent our citizenship file on October 13th and became citizens on August 13th…).

(PS: pictures will be added very soon, in the mean time you can see some on my Instagram account)

My ah-ah moments often come when I do not expect them anymore (in the shower. in the car…). When I am *this* close to giving up something.

I was writing this from the balcony of our hotel room in Bear Mountain, not too far from Victoria BC. This is the second leg of our Summer family vacations, the first actual real time away in a very long time.

While I was preparing my breakfast this morning, I realized that this time away from home, away from our routine, is giving me a clearer vision of what I want my life to be. What I want my life to look like. What I want my life to feel. I guess we forget too easily that our life is more about how we feel than anything else. The gut feeling gets under-rated.

For the past month (or more if I am being real with myself) I have been unhappy. lost. sad. lonely. doubtful. on the verge of falling too deep into this darkness I have became so good at pushing away when looming over me.

This time away is bringing me back to myself.

It sounds so cheezy but it is so darn true. I swam and jumped into waves in the ocean for the first time in a decade. I breathe the salty air in, taking all the joy it brings directly into my Soul, making it last as long as possible so my cells remember. I exhale all these doubts about what my Soul came here in this lifetime to learn, to share, to be.

I am here, now, and this is all that matters for real.

I believe our life is made of our choices and their consequences. Every single day is made of a multitude of them, and I am not talking just about the big decisions, but even the smaller ones, the ones that seem importantless. To me, this is how our life is created. It is both amazing and scary, when I really think about it because it means that I am the sailor of my boat, not the Universe (it is always always easier to blame it on someone else’s shoulders, right ?). And this is one of my Universal Truth (each and everyone of us have those, and they vary from me to you etc).

My husband and I are now in the process of visionning together and bringing the life we truly want. I am used to do the work alone, so this is new and exciting and scary to voice out loud my deepest desires. But I know I am safe with him, I know we are what they call “a power couple” once we tap into this well of infinite energy.

I decided to flip my thoughts and my feelings to see what happens.

After looking at this self-portrait, I told my husband “hmm it is weird how I noticed that the self-portraits I take when we were at the ocean and this one shows someone that feels physically so different than the self-portraits I snap at home”; to which he replied “because you are. here you are the happier you, I have not seen you laughing and being yourself as much as you were when jumping and swimming in the waves in a very long time. and it shows.” And I guess he is right. He is right. And I want to bottle these feelings, so I can be that Nolwenn every single day, so I can decide every morning when I wake up that it will be another amazing day somehow. I am not my circumstances (more on that later).

And now I am back and have work to do (it is so exciting ! I have some cool announcements to do in the next couple weeks 😀 so stay tuned).