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Some videos are harder to create and even harder to share than others. For me, this is one of them. Sharing about me, about bits and pieces of my stories as a bi-racial woman of colour is not something I talk about easily or often. But with what’s currently going on in the World, I felt awful not to address it at all. Because… sometimes, silence is compliance, right?

Here’s the video:

I have been working on this for quite a long time. It took more than a month from the moment I knew I had to do something to the moment I completed the page. Yup… I had to make my voice heart. Even just for me, because crying every day helps, but not for long.

If you follow me on Instagram, you might remember me posting a sketch of the drawing at the beginning of June. Then, it took me two weeks to actually stop avoiding going further in the project and paint it… Because when your heart is aching so bad, it does not matter if you know what you need to do. It just seems impossible. And I accept that today: the need for time to process emotions and thoughts.

I am bi-racial and am myself in a bi-racial marriage. I am a woman of colour and my husband is White, which resulted in a funny blend when it comes to our daughters’ skin tones (I have shared pictures of them in the video). All my life, I have been told stuff that left me without a sense of belonging, without that deep knowledge of being enough. Too white, too black, not enough of anything. This leaves scars and wounds I am now tending as an almost 35 years old.
Before you speak, always wonder “could this hurtful?” because words can destroy more than a punch in the guts…

Happy Sunday!
I feel like this blogpost will go well with my Soul Whisper (eh, I am going all in with this one in 2019!). I will be sharing 10 things about me. You might or might not know that about who I am, I am curious to know how many you are actually aware of 😉
Okay… here goes:

10 things about me:

1. I got my first tattoo when I was 16 years old. My Mom gave her consent after I went ballistic about it for more than two years. And she was in the room, bombarding the artist about hygiene question, the whole process. I now have seven tattoos. It is not the end of it though!
2. I got married at 19 years old. My husband actually proposed to me after 2 weeks of being together, but he officially asked my Mom after that. We are still much in love after nearly 16 years together.
3. I started my studies to become a psychoanalyst, to be a cooking chef, to be a French ASL teacher and a French/English translator. I finished none of those. That’s my one regret in life.
4. I suffer from misophonia. The fact that there is a name for that shitty thing that put my Mom and me in many fights over shared meals proved I was not crazy…
5. I started art journaling in 2008 and mixed media around 2009. But first, I was creating home décor with collage and textured stuff.
6. I was raised Catholic, went to Bible studies and got as far as the Confession. But a major life event threw me off the Catholic wagon. Then, I turned to Buddhism, and I discovered Wicca when I was around 12 and it shifted my perspective on life and on Humanity. I used to hide it from my Mom but once she knew, she was cool with it as long as I drew protection before every magical action. I created a forum dedicated to white magic that became quite big in the francophone community. Now, I am not a Wiccan but a regular Witch with a belief system of her own…
7. Dirty under nails gross me out. I am a messy mixed media artist, so…
8. I am obsessed with the Moon and anything happening in the Sky and outside of Earth.
9. One of my love languages is giving and receiving gifts. If I offer something to you, don’t doubt it comes from a place of deep appreciation.
10. I started writing in a diary since I was 7 years old. I still do my best to write every day but do not feel awful if a few days pass without it. It is partly how I process. I have had this Mémoir idea since I was 23… When my daughters ask questions about my past, I often tell them “the answer is in one of my diaries… you will know once I’m dead” 😉

Tell me something about you that could surprise me

I am Brown. Half-and-Half as I like to say: Mom is White, my Father is… well, his own ethnic mixtures. Even though I am on the lighter side of the spectrum, I inherited his afro hair though. You know, the Michael Jackson when he was a little kiddo kind of hair. Fluffy and big and more than curly. Afro hair. Yuck.

People seem to have a hard time putting me in geographical ethnicity (it can be funny where they think I am from. Well, just so you know I am 100% French). My hair is afro, but like for “regular” hair, different types of afro hair exist. Mine is curly, fine and not that “dense”. For a very long time (about 28 years, actually), I had absolutely no clue on how to care for my hair. I was just not surrounded by any people with the same hair type I did, youtube and the internet were not available for me as a kid, and until I turned 13/14. My hair was a hot mess, I tried everything.

Until I was about 10, my Mom refused vehemently to let me straighten my hair. We were living in Brittany, that western Celtic part of France. Let me be honest: the population of people of colour was reaaaaaally low; no hairdresser was comfortable in even cutting my hair. Trust me, it sucked big time. The only moments my Mom and I were battling each other were when she needed to brush my hair (just so you know, you are not supposed to brush afro hair, but to comb them).

Seeing all the Black stars and singers wearing such beautiful hairstyles, wondering how come they could be so pretty when I was just lame. I learned that 1) Most of the time, they are wearing a weave (so it is NOT their own hair) 2) They have hairdressers doing the work for them. It is like they are lying b*****s…

When we moved to Canada, I wanted a drastic change and cut all my hair very short. It was a liberating act. Since I never straightened them chemically again and go for the natural look. Failed attempts at colours leave me with orange-ish hair here and there but that’s okay.

Do not let your appearance define who you are.

It’s okay to change what you do not like about yourself. Whatever it is: your hair, your belly, your breasts… if it makes you happier to change this, just go for it. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise because you deserve to love the body you came in.

I often wish my hair were different. Not necessarily straight but… lighter, That they would be easier to dye so I could express my personality this way.

I am not my hair. And my hair is not me. Learning to care for and appreciate them so late in life is hard but nothing is lost. I will soon make an appointment to be seen by a curl specialist, to be helped further.

What is your favourite afro hairdo?

A couple songs I am grateful for:

Yea, I am an obsessive person. Not the compulsive obsessive type though.

My obsessions come and go. And sometimes come back later. Some will have a very short life with me, but others seem to stick around.

Geometric patterns (especially triangles)

Constellations

I guess that the two aboves are intimately linked together in a greater picture: symbolism. There is something about Geometry (like Sacred Geometry) that triggers in me. Golden ration, sacred numbers, shapes, totem animals… for me it is all part of an Whole. And it’s always had a special place in my life.

Self-Portraiture

Self-Portraiture has a HUGE place in my Spiritual practice, and in my personal growth.
It allows me to embrace who I am. To snap myself in a moment. To focus on how I feel in my body. To reflect it on a photo.
And a self-portrait can be so much MORE than a photo of a face. Really…

Soft color palettes

I usually paint in quite a bold palette of colors. But it’s been some time now that I am really attracted to softer, duller colors.
It is hard to get out of my comfort and go-to colors though (you know… the ones you pick without even really thinking, just because you love them so much and use them over and over… yup, these ones).

I am working hard on keeping these obsessions in control 😉

What are you currently dreaming about, this thing that crawls in your mind and you can’t stop thinking about it ? I know you obssess too 😀

It’s that time again. Isn’t it weird that sometimes I am finding myself in the middle of something, thinking «oh that would be a great random thing about me to share on the blog !» and smile. Yea… I am like that.

I even made a pretty button to go with my random infused blogpost 😀

1. I am obsessed with light. I call myself a «Light Hunter».
2. Now that I am alone for lunch during the week days, I eat on my couch while watching tv. My own little lunch break from work and housing chores.
3. I have sleeping issues since I am a teenager, and I am only now figuring things out (the «why» of stuff).
4. At the beginning of my Fibromyalgia, my coping solution to fight exhaustion was to drink a Monster energy drink every single day, so I could just do what needed to be done.
5. I am a witch of some sort. It is time for me to accept that again. I had a bit of a spiritual crisis during my creative blackout a few months ago, and I’m currently working things out to totally 200% be myself. I was lost for too long.
6. My studio looks messy, but everything has its place. I love putting my things into labeled boxes. I label a lot.
7. I dream of having my artwork being part of an art gallery exhibition (if you hear me, out there…).
8. I am a tree hugger.
9. I love jewelry. The unexpected weird kind of jewelry (just see my Etsy favorites to see what I mean).
10. I sometimes wonder how my life would end, just out of curiosity. Because well, let’s be honest, we all are born to die eventually…