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After almost a decade of daily creative work, I gained some insight about who I am.

Journaling my heart out through writing (either the daily morning pages, transformed into “whenever pages”, or just writing when it became too heavy inside and had to get out out out). Painting in color so emotions would come forward, so texture would tell my secrets without me having to be loud and clear about it. Cooking so my family would know how much I care about them and their well-being, so I would feed their souls as well as their bodies.

I would do all that so I would not have to truly think and acknowledge what I was going through. 

Health has not been great for most of my life but nothing too serious until my teenage years. I won’t share into details but it changed how people were feeling about me, therefore it changed my vision of myself as well (because it is often easier to take what they tell you you are for true than going further than that).

It took my body to completely crash down in 2011 and to feel sorry and pitiful for myself to decide enough was enough. I was not even 30 yet and could not believe I felt like I was more than twice my age, that my body was abandoning me like that. I remember silently screaming that it was not fair. For two years, I almost lived in my yoga pants and leaving the house only when I had no other choice; it was that bad.

During that time, creativity saved me from going insane. I noticed that the less I was doing, the more problematic it was to hear my Inner Voice and to create anything. I thought I was fighting but was losing the battle because nothing was working. Until I pushed really hard, to accept my situation and let go of all the “should” I was filling my mind with.

I set goals and work my ass off to reach them

I decided to give gluten a break, as for refined sugar. Just to see if my body would be less inflamed. After all, why not ? It was not easy, especially as I am not living alone and that temptation is here all around.

It takes time to figure out a diet that is not so strict that it is not possible in the long run (I am not allergic to anything, so it is all about the decisions I make for myself, nothing is imposed on me). I tried being 100% Paleo and completed several rounds of Whole 30. But because I am not a meat lover and do not enjoy consuming meat at all, it is not suitable for me in its entirety. I tried to be 100% vegan but always come back to a bit of dairy consumption. I was hard on myself for not being able to fit into any dietary box until I said “f**k this, I will just cook and eat what I both love and is good to me”. I lost about 20kg (+- 44lbs) and felt GREAT (see picture taken in my former Teal Studio).

My creative life was at its zenith, daily painting/journaling was perfect. I was finally in my happy place, in all areas of my life.

And then we moved to the other side of the country. I stopped my daily walks in the morning (I highly recommend it, it helps clearing your mind, and to keep moving is essential when you have fibromyalgia), I ate whatever was easy and quick. The results ? The flare-ups came back stronger than ever, I gained 10kg and started to hate what I was seeing in the mirror. Back to square one. I did not paint or sketch for half a year. No inspiration, I did not even see the point of stepping into my Studio (brand new one)… The picture on the right is a recent one, I still do not like what I see BUT I am taking charge. Going to an amazing workout Studio 3 times a week with my husband since April, doing my best to get back to a healthier diet (bye bye Nutella) and not giving up. It takes time for fat to melt, I always had a very hard time losing weight and keeping it off but knowing it is possible is what keeps me going. And you know what ? I am painting again ! Nixies are back after a little break.

This is how reclaiming my body as my own is keeping me creative.

When in doubt, start with what you know.

This is the mantra I have been repeating to myself lately. When my hands get all itchy because they want to move paint around, because they want to create texture that tells stories and add colors but that fear of the unknown starts creeping it, this is what I tell myself.

I am a never ending explorer when it comes to my creativity. However, I am also very much my worst saboteur. It’s been a wild ride in the past year, and I almost stopped doing anything in my Studio. But I am not a quitter, and I guess painting is in my veins because even though I do not paint, ideas and stories and faces invade my mental space. A texture I see, a name I hear, whispers of stories to be told… it’s always there.

This is why I decided to stop fighting against all this, and to give in to it, to go with the flow. But what to do when it’s been months without creation ?

I live in colors, texture and emotions. This is the fuel to my Soul.

And by being well aware of this Truth, it helps me when I am doubting everything else. I astonish myself to find inspiration everywhere because of it (life is made of textures and colors, and ruled by our emotions and reactions to events).

I believe life is what we make of it. And decided to stop bitching about what I lack of, and instead I decided to focus on what brings me true joy and pleasure. What makes me feel like I am home. This is when I said to myself “F*uck it, just go and do something. Play around with what you know works well, and see what happens“. To my surprise, I was hit with a huge crashing wave of happiness, that giddy feeling you get once you are in your comfort zone and didn’t remember what it looked like. And to top it, a Nixie decided to show up (you might remember I took a break from painting Nixies).

It’s okay to get back to your comfort zone.

It truly is no big deal. If it is what you need to go away from giving your (he)art up. As long as you are aware that it is to get back in the swing of things and that you continue to be adventurous, to explore the edges of that comforting and beautiful zone so you can push them.

So yea…. Nolwenn is back ! *hooray*

Coming back to my Studio is harder than I thought it would be. It still does not feel homey as I hoped it would, but it is getting there, slowly but steadily (I will film a Studio tour as soon as it looks better).

When I was in BC, my go-to stores were Opus and Clipper Street. I had the chance to have both in my town. But now, it is challenging to get some points of reference regarding where to buy my fine art supplies and scrapbook-y supplies. I knew about Scrapbook Centrale though because they receive amazing international teachers all year round.

I love Dina Wakley and her work so when I saw on Facebook that she was coming here for several classes, I jumped in. Even though it was two days prior and I was not sure there would be any spot left for me. The fact that my friend Caroline told me she was coming to the class I wanted to attend was just the cherry on top (see, I know Caroline for years, online, but we never met until that day).

I chose the class about working in series. We were 4 by big tables. Dina was generous to share as much supplies as she could pass the border with (not that easy anymore, apparently), so we could discover her products.

It was an all-day class and we had a bit of time for lunch. Caroline knows the place way better than I did ; we went to Maiko Sushi (which is the one restaurant our realtor said was really good… oh I miss Vancouver’s sushi, guys !). It was expensive but delicious.

I am still not painting everyday like I used to, but I have no fear that it will come back sooner than later. I need to find a project, something to get back to it. I am sad not to have continued my #365NixiesIn2016 project but I am doing my best not to feel too guilty about it either (and… most of them are still looking for new homes, if you are interested).

This class was what I needed to remember how good painting feels. 

Mixed Media is what makes me feel alive. It lights me up as nothing else does. I do miss it but it feels forced at the moment (however as I am writing this I wonder: maybe I DO need to force myself in the Studio ?).

Scrapbook Centrale is a big store, they have some supplies I had been desperately looking all over to find and the staff is really nice. It is not close to home and I am not driving yet, but I hope to go back (why not to give classes ? who knows…).

Today I share with you a quick from start to finish video of this Nixie. I wanted to play with texture and use supplies I have but tend to forget about and therefore rarely use (this is the thing with being a recovering art/craft supply hoarder…).

Texture can be added in the first stages of a painting and/or layered as the process goes. This time, I went for a texture background thanks to gesso and stencils.

I loved using the Gelatos, from Faber-Castell, as the main source of color for this Nixie. I am falling in love with graphite and this gigantic graphite pencil, without wood nor anything, is just perfect for me (made me think of the big watersoluble graphite pencils by Lyra).

My Big Brushes felt unloved, unfortunately, but it felt so good to use them again ! They are made with india ink, which makes them permanent once dry. And this is something important to be considered when you work in layers.

This Nixie is looking for a new home, and is available in my Etsy shop:

More pictures: