Archives

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

This week has been strange for me over here. I am happy it’s Friday even though I tend to get anxious when comes the late afternoon at work (people want me to make them some Thai food on demand, and I still hate that part). I had an anxiety burst yesterday and it was plain awful. It started with that “something awful is bound to happen, I can feel it” thought, out of the blue; but it came with nausea, tears behind my eyes and that gigantic ball in my throat… I cried during my lunch break and just wanted to run home and hide under the covers. I hate it because there is no rational reason for it because I have zero control over it but wait for it to pass.

This week, I am thankful for:

• Lemon balm tincture, paired with skullcap tincture. Daily
• Publishing not one but two videos this week
• Being back at working out every day, I started a new fitness program
• Finally losing more weight, so my bones get some relief
• Your comments
• Time spent in my ArtCave
• My support system
• Words by others that make me feel less alone. In books, songs, whatever
• That deep desire to change
• Days off from work, even though the side hustle makes it impossible to really rest my mind

This week’s soundtrack

This is the perfect song to sum up my week… The “you” is actually herself and it makes so much sense and it is all said so beautiful. One of my favourite song from her (and you know I’m obsessed with Billie Eilish)
And because I love understanding songs, even though sometimes it’s good to make it what you need. And I loved hearing her explain what I thought was the meaning of the song. There you go:

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

I hope your week was beautiful. What fills your Summer? Please, feel free to share your Gratitude in the comments and I will read them and cheer with you <3

This week, I am thankful for:

• “Fever Dream”, the new VERY awaited album from Of Monsters And Men is out today
• I had a day and a half off from work and was able to take a bath
• Time spent with my family
• My Cocotte (aka BFF of 16 years)
• Also, thankful for the productivity in the morning, working on Inner Voices before going to my day job
• Having a nice boss and colleague
• My 12yo daughter facing her fears and doing scary rides with her sister at La Ronde
• The meal my boss made for me (so good)
• Love
• Time spent in my art journals

The soundtrack for this week:

1. Literally feeling like I have a fire within, burning my bones and articulations. This is what fibromyalgia is like, most of the time; especially when in a flare-up. I use my arms a lot in my day job (and welcome back biceps!) so my shoulder blade and elbow are currently in flames… It’s not going away, even though my husband massages me with a specific oil every night. Maybe I need to accept that this will be my new normal?
2. I love riding my bike to work. It only takes me about 10 minutes to go from home to work and I will miss it once the weather becomes the yuck it is in the Fall (rain) and the winter (snow and ice). Bonus points to the fact that my butt is becoming quite nice looking and that it builds muscles in my legs.
3. I miss spending time with my husband. He leaves for work before 7 am in the morning, and I am home around 7 pm at night. I don’t have real weekends either so we actually are lucky if we have one full day out of seven together.
4. Art Journaling saves my sanity. So does my diary. Putting the feelings outside of my head is essential to my mental health. I know I should find a therapist but with my work schedule, I don’t even know when I could go… Maybe it will be easier once I have a small car, too. Maybe.
5. I am relieved that my anxiety level finally decided to go back to almost normal. It was out of control for 3 weeks and I thought that it would just be another “new normal”.
6. I’ve been eyeing “Fresh Paint” for a while, it’s an online class by Flora Bowley & Lynzee Lynx. I took an in-person workshop with Flora years ago, at Teesha Moore’s then Seattle Studio and it changed my perspective on my creative process. I’d love to learn from her again. But it’s like a big chunk of a week’s worth of my current salary
7. Makeup and Sacred Adornments are a big part of my identity. However, as I work in the food industry, the rule is no makeup, no piercings on the face, no jewelry… I feel like this is another version of myself and I don’t like it, at all… I don’t like how I look at my job. It’s not me.
8. Grief is a bitch and it’s not always about a person. I need to grief art as my career and it hurts like hell to accept my huge failure. I still believe that I could bring something to people’s lives with my art but I never “made it”. Therefore, my heart is shattered that I need to get a day job to pay our bills and debts instead of working from home as an artist. Right now, I would much rather work 12 hours a day as an artist, but it’s not happening. I am grateful for my current job position though, don’t get me wrong.

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

I have to tell you: when you work from home and are without a mean of transportation, all you wanna do is get out of there as soon as you can. But once you spend your time working outside, you just want to be home now and then… that is what I am just now realizing. I hate that I think of my job all the time, I dream about it and everything and I really don’t like that I can’t control my thoughts.
Earlier this week, I posted about a struggle I am facing and would love your input if you have a few minutes.

This week, I am thankful for:

• Willow (Smith) is releasing a new album today. I’ve loved her for a long time now and can’t wait to be home to listen to it
• Days off rock my world even if they feel too short
• Riding my bike to work, but the possibility to get a cab if needed (think pouring rain with thunder)
• Cooking and meal prep
• Books (I just finished Confess by Colleen Hoover and loved it, the art inside is stunning)
• We decided to stay in our current home so we are planning medium and long term renovations
• Journaling, pouring my heart on paper
• Writing snail mail (would you want to write to me? I’d love to bring back the art of writing and receiving real mail…)
• My Husband. And my Mom acknowledging he is amazing
• Playing in my art journal. I miss it so badly it actually aches inside
• The seeds I planted are now beautiful wildflowers: I love it!

This week’s soundtrack:

The day job

Mid-June, I found myself a day job. I help to make food in a sushi/Thai comptoir (friends, help… don’t know what it’s called in english) inside one of our local supermarket. I gave my resume even though he was not hiring at the time (I missed my spot in the previous months, as he had just hired someone). It seems like the perfect job for me: it arrived a few hours after I prayed to the Universe to provide with a job that would be a bike ride away from home.

I got my driver’s license last November (2018) but I have not really driven since… We own a Grand Caravan (WTF) and I find it hard to park… I don’t know yet how I will do once Summer is gone and that rain/snow will make it impossible for me to use my bike to work. Maybe find a small car in leasing?
I am in an industry I like, but the job is hard on my fibro. I am 8+ hours standing every day, at least 5 days a week. My boss is really nice, so it helps but I don’t want him to know (yet?), afraid of being misjudged.

My creative path

I have less time for my creativity, that’s a truth. I come back home around 7 pm and don’t have a regular weekend of rest. My schedule is still a work in progress so I have to kind of force the time spent in my Studio.

However, there’s a good side to this: the time I spend in my Art Cave is even more precious. I put a lot into what I go in for. More than before. I still don’t really plan my art sessions though. I just want to make it impactful in my life.
When I am away from it, I think about what I’d like to create, but can’t. There is a sense of frustration building…
It’s like I failed after trying so hard for so long to share my passion with the world and make a living out of it. Working from home again is a goal I still have my eyes on. So I keep the art as a “side hustle” and will market my ass off to make it happen.

Family life

I don’t work 70+ hours a week, and it’s Summer Break until the end of August for both my daughters. It’s weird to know they are home alone most days. Especially when my days off are still wonky…
I miss spending more time with them, and with my husband. He leaves for work before 7 am every day, and I come back home at 7 pm every day… Exhausted.
How do I make it a time of quality?
I persist in that job partly because I want my daughters to be proud of their Mom. I know they say are already proud, but I was the Mom who was home for the past decade.