Inner Voices
25Feb/124

Skyscraper. When speaking up matters.

I have to translate in english a blogpost I wrote in my francophone blog last week. Just a little something when I tell some truths about me you may not know.

In this blogpost, I admit I have been a suicidal teen. I think that makes me a stronger woman than who I would have been without this experience. It is part of my story, part I don't talk about. Part not a lot people know about. Because, honestly, we tend to easily judge. And I don't want to be judged by what belongs to my past.

However, in the process of healing, through art, I find that it does matter to speak my truth about it. So maybe somebody who needs it will read my words. So the Nixies that share a piece of this story do not stay in my personal closet. They need to get out and to be seen.

Amelia tells a little bit of that. And I was SO scared to share her and her whispers to the World. With a bit of retrospect, I am much happy she made her way through.

Tears are running on my cheeks.
This is still tender.
This is still hard.
And rough.
I wrote pages and pages and pages in journals, in hope it would go away. Yes, it is better out than in. But I tend to believe it will never really leave me alone.
The words were one of my saviors, as the words refused already to leave my throat, cumulating themselves there in a huge lump everytime I wanted to speak. I still can't really.

This is why I love the symbol of the Phoenix so much, this bird that raises from his own ashes again and again.

My closest friends know I tend to be obssesional about stuff. This is how I discovered last year that Demi Lovato, who is an actress and singer, decided by herself to go under treatment for anorexia, depression and other non-fun stuff. She is now 22. And she speaks her truth. She decided she does not have to be ashame of it. She was bullied at school and started to starve herself around 12. This is when it started for me too. You're still a kid, at 12 years old. Kids can be so mean. Words can cut you more than a blade in your stomach. They make their way in your head. In your heart. And they become your reality.

I want to share with you Demi's song titled Skyscraper. It is beautiful. And her music video too.

A bit of the lyrics:

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!

I am not afraid to speak my truth anymore. Though I don't want to put it all there. Just pieces of me in my art. I know you'd understand. And won't judge me.

19Feb/121

Up and Down. And up… and Down. Afraid of change ?!

I sometimes think of myself as a Lunatic.

My mood goes up and down and up and down again. It is exhausting. And even if I try to stop it, all I can do is go with the flow. I don't know if it is linked with my fibromyalgia or not, and honestly I don't even care.

It feels like I am absolutely not in control of my feelings. Which actually may be just a truth admist other truths, no ?
Just so you know, despite the fact I was born under the stellar sign of the Virgo, I am not that much of a control freak. I am a lot of things but not that. Or not for everything (just have a look at my home mwahahah).

Today, something HIT me in the face. I was wondering why this week was so hard for me creatively speaking. How come none of the paintings I started brought a«WOOOOOW I so love this one» like it happened almost everytime this year. And then... I realized that this weird flower-headed creature that emerged today holds the key to my answers: she is different. In everything I do, she is different. The painting, my process, her.

And then I asked myself some more: but why does this feel so damn hard ? this is not the first time I do something different.
Yes. But before, I was the one chosing to step outside of my comfort zone, to explore things. Since «Fierce», I have this weird sensation to be more of a channel than anything else. I don't know what will decide to show up in the painting until it's actually there (it's like that for my Nixies as well, though). I'm okay when it's a Nixie, no matter what she looks like, but then I see it and freak out. WHAT's THAAAAAAAAAAAAAT (you see the famous painting «the scream» by Munch... yep that is what I look like heee).

I realize that the reason why I am afraid when I discover it is a weird non-sense creature that is on my painting instead of my usual Nixie is because it is not something I am expecting. If that makes sense.

But I remind one of the biggest lesson I've learn in this lifetime: ACCEPTANCE IS THE KEY.

I learn to let go of my expectations.
I learn not to be afraid.
I learn to accept to be a channel.
I learn to love what I create, no matter what it is.
I learn to love the downs as much as the ups. Because this is what Life is made of.

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13Feb/121

The Burning Question: What’s your purpose for money ?

This is my first participation at fellow Vancouverite personality, Danielle Laporte. I've been wanting to answer one of her burning question for a long time but of course, I never did.

Today's question is just happening at a perfect timing for me (thank you to the Universe for your silly synchronicities).

Danielle asks a question on her website and simply invite people to share their answers.

I quote her:

When you establish your purpose for money, you have a rudder to help guide your purchases, investments, donations, savings—all the things that you do with money.
You also motivate yourself to go get what you want the most.

So... What's my purpose for money ?

  • Have everything I need/want to create artwork that heals me and inspires other.
  • Own a beautiful home in Vancouver area. Spacious enough to fit us 4. To host family and friends. To work. Decorate it so it truly reflects who we are, as a family and a whole, and as individuals.
  • Gift my close relatives and friends with what makes their heart sing to them.
  • Buy organic on a regular basis.
  • Travel and discover the World, even the close places. Visit family and friends that live so far away.
  • Buy art that uplifts my Soul.
  • Not to worry anymore to pay all our bills on time and still be comfortable.
  • Have date nights with my husband once a month (= having a regular babysitter, paying for the restaurant etc)
  • Make this big dream come true.

7Feb/125

It’s ok… a message brought to you by me.

I am spending some much needed time in my art journal lately. Trying to process. Trying to prettyfy some stuff that happens.

Here is a page I made today (it was already dark, I may take a better picture *or not*):

On the other side of the spread is a sketch of a Nixie, Just a sketch... no shading, no color. And I did not know if I wanted the two pages to be separated or a spread. I still don't know actually.

It says:

It's ok..:

to be mad
to be sad
to wanna give up sometimes
to feel like today is the worst one in your life
to have big hope and small dreams
to scream at the top of your lungs just to LET it GO
to smile when you feel like breaking down
to join your hands in a prayer to Whoever would just listen to you
to cry and ask for help

It's ok to have and express whatever emotion pass through you

(it just means you're alive)

If I am sharing this page with you, it's only because I feel like I was just the tool for the message. The channel so people could read these words. So people could know it is ok to feel whatever they feel.

I am struggling with my emotions right now. Not understanding them. Not being successful in processing them the way I wish I would. And I guess someone may feel the same somewhere and that this «permission slip» would reach someone who needed it.

1Feb/123

Paving Our Path, February 2012

Today is the already the third edition of this monthly section, Paving Our Path, I do with my friend Anu from My Courageous Life. We write our hopes and wishes for the month becoming. Just paving our path with good intentions.

What a month January has been ! We've seen my mom go back to France (where she lives) after having her by our sides for three very great months and honestly, it's been ten days or so now and it still feels empty without her...

While I am typing this, I am noticing something that is strange: I have no idea what I did write for my previous letters to the Universe. I can not tell you if what I wished for actually was granted or not (I will check though). This is what I call letting go (me the Queen Of I Keep everything tightly attached emotionally) ;-)

And from this month on, we have a pretty button to accompany our blogposts, yaaay !
I will add Anu's link as soon as I have it to share with you.

Dear Universe,

My heart feels heavy, and as February is the Month of the year where Love is all around, please fill me in; I promise to give back as much as I can, to anyone who needs it.
Please, help me to focus and inspire me to make the best class I could for 21 Secrets. I hope to help people heal by sharing my own process...
Give me the strength to go on my path of a better life for myself, better eating, exercising despite the fibro that seems to get harder and harder on me as the time passes. Help me to accept that pregnancies changed my body, and that what it looks like now after having given birth twice at now 26yo is not put into stone, I can still make it something I enjoy looking at in the mirror, a skin I feel good being inside of.
If you can send some clarity my way, some signs you know I will understand, feel free to do so. I am open to receive them now.
I feel lonely most of the time, a bit of company from someone more that 6 years old would be appreciated. Have you seen how I try to get off my butts to reach out ?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Love,
Nolwenn

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