Practice what you preach: the ugly Truth

Note that this happened yesterday, but much did happen after I started writing it… I almost decided against sharing it with the world. but I am practicing what I preach: I speak my Truth.
This morning, my eyes are hurting and puffy from all the crying. My body is telling me «thank you for all the stress and clenching of yesterday *insert sarcasm». But I still want to share it, for a reason I can’t pinpoint yet.

I wasn’t planning on sharing any of what happened today. Not even with my Husband (and we tell each other the honest truth on everything, whether we like it or not). (Note: I did talk to him about what happened, and he heard their side of it too).

See, this selfie was taken right after I ended up, curled up as a giant ball, on our sofa. Crying my a** off. Joined a few minutes later by these two, who hugged me tight and apologized and said they loved me and were happy I was their Mama.

See, just before me become a giant crying ball, I was yelling. Screaming. At my 6 1/2 years old daughter. I even thought I was crazy for lashing out, especially at my kid. No kid should ever be addressed to like that, and despite it, I could not help myself and heard words like “I’m sick of us all being your slave. Of you thinking everyone has to do what you want when you want how you want but when we kindly ask you one little thing you decide to ignore us completely. You are the kid, you are the one that should listen.”

I hit the floor with my hand and broke my bracelet. I lost it, my mind it is. And I’m ashamed. And guilty. But still, sharing it here so any parent, or even grown up child, knows that it happens. I’ve been trying to talk gently, for days. Weeks. And this ice cream tantrum she was having was the drop that made me lose it (with other stuff but trying to go straight to the point). I should have known that the day was not going to be an easy one when in the morning she decided to cross her arms on her chest, and answered something I said with a «if you don’t do {whateveritactuallywas}, I won’t list to you at all today» and left the room we were in.

I told them how sorry I was (and went on over-apologetic mode), they apologized, hug, told me they loved me and would never leave me, they were blessed we were the family we are. I had Koala promise me to tidy up her room… and they did not. It was a Hell of a day, from start to finish (it took Grenouille 5 hours to clean her room. that could have been done in 30mn tops).

However, in all that mess, there were blessings. I am learning parenting every single day with them, there’s not a day we live in which we are not learning something about ourselves as beings, and as part of a tribe.