So much thoughts and feelings
I started journaling again, to get it out as much as possible. When I had my first diary, I was about 7 years old and it was a birthday gift.
Diaries and I have a complex relationship. I resist using them as much as I love using them. Let me explain: I am intense. I feel things strongly and for a very long time, it was either black or white in my world. Now, I love all shades of grey in between. But I am overwhelmed by it all, most of the time. This is why I came to journaling it out, breathing exercises and creativity in every form.
Did you know how cooking can put you down into a meditative state ? I guess it is the repetition of the gestures. And the eventual glass of wine that goes with it 😉
I feel fucking lonely
See, I am an introvert and everything in me points to being awkward and weird when surrounded by people. Even though when I am at ease, I am the goofy talkative type, it is not easy.
I try not to dwell on it but most of the time, I feel fucking lonely. I usually love my me-time but I also have this deep in-my-bones need of having a circle of girlfriends. People who would know me and love me as I am. People to go out with or spend at-home time just being together. Folks who know they can count on me, as well.
But how do I let these persons find me ? How to maintain deep relationships without sounding needy ? If you know, please tell me…
I am a modern witch
I have seen so many times that if you don’t practice you can’t call yourself a “witch”. To those people, I want to say “go fudge yourself” (but I was raised better so I just think it).
For so long, I let my spiritual life on the back burner. I had other priorities, life happened and even though it was still on the back of my mind, I did not do any rituals nor my usual reading to deepen my knowledge.
Becoming a Mom, I wanted my daughters to be raised in an understanding and open home. We won’t force our beliefs on them and we answer all the questions they can have. And when we don’t know ? We simply research and come back to it with them: it is okay not to know.
I am back to daily practice but decided not to put any pressure on myself. To do things my way and at my own pace.
Creativity is saving my life
I am back in my ArtCave and it is becoming a regular thing again. For some unknown reasons, I am waking up earlier than my usual. Even though I should be pissed to be awake at 6am on the weekend, I am excited.
The picture right here is the perfect example of how creativity is saving me. I did this painting on a very tough day emotionally. A day I remember I just wanted to give up, throw the towel and let go. Instead, I literally ran to my Studio, picked the colors of my feelings and went to town.
The results is, to me, the pure essence of my emotions of the moment. Despair, sorrow, mental exhaustion… It is better out than in.