I have to translate in english a blogpost I wrote in my francophone blog last week. Just a little something when I tell some truths about me you may not know.
In this blogpost, I admit I have been a suicidal teen. I think that makes me a stronger woman than who I would have been without this experience. It is part of my story, part I don’t talk about. Part not a lot people know about. Because, honestly, we tend to easily judge. And I don’t want to be judged by what belongs to my past.
However, in the process of healing, through art, I find that it does matter to speak my truth about it. So maybe somebody who needs it will read my words. So the Nixies that share a piece of this story do not stay in my personal closet. They need to get out and to be seen.
Amelia tells a little bit of that. And I was SO scared to share her and her whispers to the World. With a bit of retrospect, I am much happy she made her way through.
Tears are running on my cheeks.
This is still tender.
This is still hard.
And rough.
I wrote pages and pages and pages in journals, in hope it would go away. Yes, it is better out than in. But I tend to believe it will never really leave me alone.
The words were one of my saviors, as the words refused already to leave my throat, cumulating themselves there in a huge lump everytime I wanted to speak. I still can’t really.
This is why I love the symbol of the Phoenix so much, this bird that raises from his own ashes again and again.
My closest friends know I tend to be obssesional about stuff. This is how I discovered last year that Demi Lovato, who is an actress and singer, decided by herself to go under treatment for anorexia, depression and other non-fun stuff. She is now 22. And she speaks her truth. She decided she does not have to be ashame of it. She was bullied at school and started to starve herself around 12. This is when it started for me too. You’re still a kid, at 12 years old. Kids can be so mean. Words can cut you more than a blade in your stomach. They make their way in your head. In your heart. And they become your reality.
I want to share with you Demi’s song titled Skyscraper. It is beautiful. And her music video too.
A bit of the lyrics:
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I’m made of glass
Like I’m made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper!
I am not afraid to speak my truth anymore. Though I don’t want to put it all there. Just pieces of me in my art. I know you’d understand. And won’t judge me.
Thanks for being so honest. It made me realize something about myself. Thank you.
Not judge you? No worries, I have been there too.
In my experience you can get totally free of it. You are much younger than I am, so I speak from your future :). It is good to be careful who you speak of it to, as that is a way of taking care of your tender self.
only pure love for you nolwenn. you are strong for speaking out loud. your past is part of you, who you are now. it may not go away, but it may transform in your eyes of how it contributed to your life, to the very you that is you. here is much love to our pasts, to who we were, to what we experienced, and here is love to our present, to who we are now, to all that we have to offer! xoxo
A very moving post. There is a certain freedom that you gain when you share something so deeply personal and painful, I hope you feel freed and not judged. I wish you many happy days, and the ability to always find the strength you have within yourself to conquer the less-than-happy days. xo