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This is something most of us have trouble with. Dare. Dare saying “no, thank you“. Dare spending time alone. Dare go to all the places your heart feels called to explore (even if it means moving in a foreign country where you know no one).

I am sick of showing to the world versions of my Self that are untrue to my Essence. It is exhausting to be someone you know you are not, or not fully. So when your Soul says, loudly “no more bullshit. be true to you. stop hiding” you don’t have much choice than to obey the Inner Voice.

This is gradual in my life though. I got a tattoo at 16 (after two years of working it and talking about it all.the.time to my mom, who was against it. She went with me. And is still against all my tattoos), a nose piercing. Recently I finally got boxed braids with blue and purple. I now speak my Truths more easily.

In my creativity, it meant I needed to stop painting what I thought people would expect to see from me.

See, I am a pretty quirky and weird person once you know me. I am totally okay with it, but always afraid of being judged for it. My spirituality transpires in everything coming out of me. It is sometimes obvious, sometimes more subtle. Last year, when I began my 365 Nixies in 2016 project, I just let them come as they were; not judging the character, their features or their stories/messages. Most of them are odd but gosh, how I love them ! (psss: they are still looking for new homes).

Life taught me that it is way too short to walk its path in somebody else’s shoes. Mine sometimes feel too small, or too big, but they are mine nonetheless.

What are you doing to stay true to yourself ? It does not have to be big, like respecting your own boundaries for example. I celebrate all those steps you are taking to live the life you are meant to live.

If you are a long-time reader of my blog, you know I used to share with you, every Friday, a list of what I am grateful for. I also was inviting you to spend some time in reflection and comment about your own gratitude list. I did it for 7 years.

But because I was getting tired and frustrated of inviting readers without getting any response, I stopped the blog series (I am still doing daily gratitude list in my journals, though). I know, I know…..

You can read more my thoughts and why I started this ritual right there.

But today… today I feel the weight of the World. And when in pain, when it all feels too much, I take some time to go inward and look at the bright side. Seeing the glass half full does not mean burying your head in the sand, it is essential to know where you actually direct your energy (and your thoughts are energy, Loves. Truly).

This week, I am grateful for:

✮ The return of the Sun
✮ The day spent with my Mom and my Brother-In-Law in Montréal yesterday
✮ The love of my Husband
✮ The new tattoo I will have inked in October. Another story on my body.
✮ Getting back on track with my nutrition.
✮ Going to Orange Theory fitness 3+ times week with my Husband.
✮ Looking into going back to University.
✮ The daily Reiki I receive from my friend Alli.
✮ My friend Angélique who gets me so well and share my tattoo obsession.
✮ Our Rami nights.

What about you ? I am curious: do you have a Gratitude List ritual as well ? Is it a daily, weekly thing ? Right now, what are you thankful for ?

It’s been a few years already since I decided I wanted to Heal my Wounds. Those of the Heart & those of the Soul. Those I made to myself and those people inflicted on me.

These last ones are maybe the tougher because they ask for an action of somebody other of myself. At least, it is the case for me, because I need to understand what happened in order to accept and then go on.

The major issue is that 9 times out of 10, those people are not even in our circle anymore… So the work takes much more time than it could, and because I am aware that we should not base anything on suppositions and “IFs” it sometimes seems impossible.

And then… PSCHHH these persons come back one day, and you don’t know neither why nor how. You can then decide: welcome them, or reject them.

It’s while I was talking to one of these persons that I finally knew something I carried for too long in me: why am I seen as a fragile breakable girl that needs to be protected. And realized other persons felt that way about me as well.

Creating is what helps me release the pain. It does not completely heal the trauma (I guess I should see a therapist for that) but it helps a great deal. Art is a safe space to explore the tensions so I can set them free.

And creativity can be anything, really, for me it can take the form of free writing (dumping every.single.thing that’s on my mind in a journal. I still do it pen on paper, even though my brain usually goes way too fast for my hand to follow). It can pour it out onto a canvas, building up secret messages under layers and layers of paint. Or playing with colors in my art journals, hiding symbols and thoughts.

This is how I have faith in my future. Because I survived my demons and because I am conquering my fears.

How do you face your demons ?

I have been thinking a lot lately about if I still want to make a career out of painting, or if I should just paint for my own pleasure, and sell the resulting art if someone feels called to welcome it in their home. It comes back to my latest blogpost about probably going back to school, even if it is over a 3-year full time period.

I am an intuitive person. After a decade of shutting down my Inner Voices and doing what I thought was the right things to do (meaning the things that were not bringing joy or excitement but that an adult should be doing anyway), I was fed up with how unfulfillment was inhabiting me. So it needed to change, I needed to go back to intuition guiding me. I will be honest: it was not easy. Shutting it for so long, it was not my normal anymore. But I got there by trusting I was a worthy person.

When I started my mixed media journey around 2008, I was so stressed out by messing everything up that I was planning every inch of my canvases, sketching before painting etc. 9 years later, I go with the flow. I start with a seed (it can be an intention, a word or a quote, a feeling I wish to convey) and see where it leads me. I believe that my paintings have a life of their own and that I am just the tool to bring them to life. 

I am a Virgo, so I guess this all makes sense somehow (to me anyway). I am an intuitive planner (yes, I totally made that up). I need to know where I am going but to let it all come to me as well. Talk to me about being a living paradox…

One of the shift I want to focus on in the last months of this year is to get rid of all the “should”. I can’t keep up with them anymore, so it is time to say goodbyes, thank you for your service, hopefully we won’t meet again too soon :p

Do you, too, live in the land of Should ? What’s keeping you there ? I welcome any tip to help me out.

As a bonus for today, a video from one of my favorite singer:

After almost a decade of daily creative work, I gained some insight about who I am.

Journaling my heart out through writing (either the daily morning pages, transformed into “whenever pages”, or just writing when it became too heavy inside and had to get out out out). Painting in color so emotions would come forward, so texture would tell my secrets without me having to be loud and clear about it. Cooking so my family would know how much I care about them and their well-being, so I would feed their souls as well as their bodies.

I would do all that so I would not have to truly think and acknowledge what I was going through. 

Health has not been great for most of my life but nothing too serious until my teenage years. I won’t share into details but it changed how people were feeling about me, therefore it changed my vision of myself as well (because it is often easier to take what they tell you you are for true than going further than that).

It took my body to completely crash down in 2011 and to feel sorry and pitiful for myself to decide enough was enough. I was not even 30 yet and could not believe I felt like I was more than twice my age, that my body was abandoning me like that. I remember silently screaming that it was not fair. For two years, I almost lived in my yoga pants and leaving the house only when I had no other choice; it was that bad.

During that time, creativity saved me from going insane. I noticed that the less I was doing, the more problematic it was to hear my Inner Voice and to create anything. I thought I was fighting but was losing the battle because nothing was working. Until I pushed really hard, to accept my situation and let go of all the “should” I was filling my mind with.

I set goals and work my ass off to reach them

I decided to give gluten a break, as for refined sugar. Just to see if my body would be less inflamed. After all, why not ? It was not easy, especially as I am not living alone and that temptation is here all around.

It takes time to figure out a diet that is not so strict that it is not possible in the long run (I am not allergic to anything, so it is all about the decisions I make for myself, nothing is imposed on me). I tried being 100% Paleo and completed several rounds of Whole 30. But because I am not a meat lover and do not enjoy consuming meat at all, it is not suitable for me in its entirety. I tried to be 100% vegan but always come back to a bit of dairy consumption. I was hard on myself for not being able to fit into any dietary box until I said “f**k this, I will just cook and eat what I both love and is good to me”. I lost about 20kg (+- 44lbs) and felt GREAT (see picture taken in my former Teal Studio).

My creative life was at its zenith, daily painting/journaling was perfect. I was finally in my happy place, in all areas of my life.

And then we moved to the other side of the country. I stopped my daily walks in the morning (I highly recommend it, it helps clearing your mind, and to keep moving is essential when you have fibromyalgia), I ate whatever was easy and quick. The results ? The flare-ups came back stronger than ever, I gained 10kg and started to hate what I was seeing in the mirror. Back to square one. I did not paint or sketch for half a year. No inspiration, I did not even see the point of stepping into my Studio (brand new one)… The picture on the right is a recent one, I still do not like what I see BUT I am taking charge. Going to an amazing workout Studio 3 times a week with my husband since April, doing my best to get back to a healthier diet (bye bye Nutella) and not giving up. It takes time for fat to melt, I always had a very hard time losing weight and keeping it off but knowing it is possible is what keeps me going. And you know what ? I am painting again ! Nixies are back after a little break.

This is how reclaiming my body as my own is keeping me creative.