It is 6:28pm. My girls are loudly playing while in their bath, my husband is not home from work yet and my brother-in-law came back from his adventures not so long ago. Surprisingly, my daughters napped quite long today, and to be honest this is a good thing as I am a total mess being around.
I do not recognize the Nolwenn I used to be anymore, and it scares me. It makes me hate me.
I knew that fibromyalgia would change my life, would maybe change me. I don’t know if all is linked or not. I just know that I just don’t like feeling like I do because it does not look like me.
Body image issue is hitting me back in the face, when I did not expecting it at all.
I am moody, sometimes mean, I want to be alone (usually i am just happy to have my relatives around, now it is just too much).
I won’t spread the details, I am just not in that good place I used to experience, not finding this Inner Voice telling me that everything will be alright that I should not worry that much, that I should stop hating myself for what I am (or am not). Praying, begging for signs that do not come or that I do not see…
I just needed to create to shake things, hoping it would shift something.
Not finished yet but I wanted to share the words with you. Hoping it will speak to someone as well…
you don’t need to go through all that to stop recognizing yourself…
but I know you are a very strong person and you do not give up, so I now you will get over it, I just dearly hope for you that it will be quick and as painless as can be!
xxx
Oh Nolwenn, this is all too familiar to me. I am sitting here frantically searching through art blogs looking for something to help snap me out the way I feel. I’ve had ME/ aka Chronic Fatigue since I got a cold/flu bug in 1985. I want to be alone and yet I don’t, though I am mostly alone unless you count my husband. I don’t like the way I look either. I wonder where the years have gone, I feel that I’ve done nothing. I’m supposed to be looking for work, it is hard…I’m not qualified, I’m overwhelmed and often exhausted. My heart goes out to you. If I could be there I’d hold your hand and tell you to hold on tightly. It is very hard when you go through something alone for a long period of time and few if anyone understand what you are going through. Someone suggested that I paint peoples house interiors, they thought I’d be good at that. Do they realise how much energy that takes to do as a job. Last week I pulled the plug on the last remaining relationship….I just can’t explain why I’m not up to doing what is suggested any more. Nolwenn I wish I could say something that would make a difference to you, I just hope for a big, fabulous blessing in your life. It doesn’t help you personally, but know that I am also crying out, begging and praying for help. jan xxxxx
wonderful words! Love it!
Hello Nolwenn, I am thinking of you this morning as I hold myself together through the wonderful artists and journal bloggers found on the net. I found pinterest.com through someone’s blog and really enjoyed looking at what others pinned to their boards. I haven’t figured it out yet, my pinning didn’t work….some days, most days I have mega brain fog and find it difficult to follow instructions. I hope that you are holding on tightly. Look at something that you know will make you smile a little and possibly lift your spirits. I want to create and have a table of partially started things, but my body and mind won’t co-operate, connect together. Isn’t it frustrating to have a desire and not be able to act on it. I send you HOPE and a hug. xxxxx
I love your words. I also suffer from fibromyalgia and three other autoimmune conditions. I didn’t understand why God would allow this in my life, but soon realized that it was to make me realize how utterly dependent I am on Him. My art took on new life as did my body and my relationships. He stripped away all of the pride, selfishness, and what were later revealed to be harmful relationships which forced me to spend all of my time with Him. I started a promises art journal where I journal about the promises found in the bible and what God was revealing to me about them. There I found peace and purpose amid the mood swings, brain fog, weakness, nausea… It’s a journey but God promises in Jeremiah 29:11 that he knows the plans He has for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you; to give you hope and a future. I love your blog. Keep sharing. You are in my prayers.
Nolwenn, I hope this finds you feeling brighter and motivated…Suzi Blu’s new journal class just started, $10 off for a few more days I think?
Love your words Jenn, thanks for writing, it is helpful to me also. I am glad you have found peace…I’m working on that one…or maybe I should stop working at it 🙂 Love the Jeremiah verse.
Hugs to you both
jan