I’m a Mom. Of two daughters, close in age. This is what we wanted and most of the time, we are thrilled that only 18 months seperate our daughters. But some days, I just want to throw my Mommy towel through the window and offer my kids to the first person who would like them (it’s only an image, uh).
This is currently like this. We are Thursday, and it feels like this week has been a huge nightmare almost every minute I spent with the girls. Yelling (them. me.). Anger (them. me). Being pissed at each other. Not pleased with what is going on (still, them and me). Not knowing what to do anymore to make it better.
Being a parent does not come with a step by step manual. I have been a Mom for almost 8 years now, and notice how it is still a Life adjustment. A slap in the face when it comes to what my ideas of a family was and what it really is on a daily basis.
I love my girls to death, and I do mean it (it’s not an image, this time). My heart aches everytime they’re going through a rough patch, and it sings with theirs at each of their success and step made.
What to do when you’ve already done everything that is inside your kids-in-crisis-i-can’t-take-it-anymore emergency pocket ? Can’t give up, being a parent is for life, it is a blessing, it is a miracle, it is a chance somehow, most of the time it is a choice made.
Sometimes, when I see other kids and other parents that seem to all be happy and the kids listen to their parents etc. I wonder if we are doing something wrong, thinking it has to be something my Husband and I are doing not quite like it should (what other reason could it possibly be than our fault ?). And then I discuss with my parents friends, who tell me not to be fooled, they do face challenges as a family as well, they learn along the way too, it is not all fluffy bunny despite the apparences.
I am a teller and seeker of Truth(s). I don’t want to portray what is not my reality. I know nothing is permanent. I do cherish every moment with my kids and family as I know it won’t last forever. I cry. My heart breaks. I am grateful to witness such beautiful growth and lives blossoming, so so grateful for it.
This hard part of being a Mom is also part of the blessing, but I can only see it when I take some time to actually reflect on it.
I notice how when I feel down and in the blue, I have this urge to sketch, to let.it.out. Making art is my savior.
It forces me to breathe in between. To take even just one minute to stop, and take a step aside. Focusing on calming my mind. Thanking for all the good times, doing my best to bring it back to a better atmosphere.
I’m writing this to you, not knowing yet if I will dare clicking the «publish» button or not. I am writing this while with a heavy heart, feeling kind of lost.
I would love to engage conversation about it with you, you probably have an opinion about parenting, and art, and the hard parts of the job (even if you don’t have kids). Let us be honest, it is okay not to be okay. It is okay not to be always happy with our children, or with how we react to their behavior(s). It does not make us horrible parents, we are just human beings learning ways to improve ourselves. Tell me, how do you do it ?