When I started Mixed Media in 2008, I always started with a very precise end result idea in mind and spent more time actually sketching it on the canvas than then painting it. I needed to know exactly where a piece was going, and to know how I would execute it. I guess at the time, it all had to do with insecurities. No being comfortable with my process, not comfortable with my skills.
Some days, I step in the Studio and face a blank. «Why am I here ?» «I don’t know what to do next» «what if I just don’t know anything anymore?» and whatever… Even when I know it is only Fear, it is not easy to go pass her, she is like that giant unmovable statue whispering shit to my ears.
So what do I do ? I either push, harder, further, and harder again. Or I bask in it a little, allowing it to show me a different side of my creativity. Maybe something better is on the way and this is why I need my mind to quiet for a bit. Maybe I need this time to explore different ways of doing what I usually do inside of my comfort zone.
Some days, I want to quit it all. Leave the creative life behind. Have a «normal» 9 to 5 job somewhere. But then I remember how I suffocated for so many reasons when living that life; how a life without doing what I love feels meaningless. No matter how hard and how close the edges sometimes are.
What message would that send to my daughters ? They need to know. They need to know you can do what you love. They need to know it’s okay to not always know the answer(s). They need to know the Truth is not always pretty but always is powerful in some way.
I am a Virgo, and even if I don’t feel like one that often, it makes me who I am. Perfectionist. Craving for knowing everything. Need to know the next ten steps before even putting my feet on the ground. It is who I am. A living paradox. Being a Mixed Media artist allows me to think/feel/act «screw it». Being an artist allows me to let go of the need to know what the end will be when I begin. It allows me to stay in the flow. To let whatever happens be.
And being an artist does not mean selling shit tons of art, no. It does not (yes, I repeat this to myself over and over).
You do not have to know the end, the result. You don’t.