NOTE: I started writing this blogpost in April 2013 and it was there, in my «draft pile» as I call it. Browsing through it, looking for something else, I was called to click on this one to see what I was talking about. And two years later, this is so spot on, I need to come back to it. (Just note that «yesterday» actually means «two years ago» lol)
Here I am again. Not knowing what to do once I am in my beautiful home studio, looking at all the surrounds me there (supply yes, but also inspiration artwork I bought from artists I admire, pictures that spark my flame, photos of my dear ones…).
The desire to paint, to transform the thought/idea concretely on the canvas is absolutely in me. I feel it warmly nested in the center of my being, waiting for me to allow it to awake. It is like, though, there is an invisible wall that surrounds me once I am in front of the surface.
It took me years to refine my style. To uncover it. Years. And it is a never-ending process. And I love this about my creativity. The exploration. Even the mistakes and the ugly. But what I love more than anything is when I have that «ahah» moment. When my breath is taken away. And then I know that this is what I am meant to do… Because finding your purpose ain’t easy. Because when you feel like it is in your hands, it is not. Not really.
I mean… from this (Annya, 2011)..:
… to that (Aria, 2015):
You know how it is always easier to give advice to someone, and when you face the same kind of situation you find it impossible to practice what you preach ? I hear you.
I was talking to my Studio Buddy (ie my lovely neighbour) yesterday, she asked me what I’ve been doing lately (since it’s been a while and we needed to do some catching up). So I told her: I am inspired, but every time I come to the Studio I look at my in progress paintings and go back upstairs without doing anything. And I showed to her the ones I’ve been working on and told her: «this is not my usual style. There is a freaking boat on this painting. I mean… A BOAT !!!!!!» and while talking, I realized: «I know what’s wrong now ! Until now, I felt like I needed to paint my Nixies because it is my signature style. But I don’t HAVE TO, I can do abstract if I feel like it. Or a booooooooooat if this is what appears, and I need to be okay with the changes in my style and in what I create. And let go of the fear of what people could think of it.» This was my epiphany moment.
And that was a good crazy talk. I now know that it’s okay not to paint the same thing over and over again and that change can be good even if it is scary at first.
Use that fear.
Push in the right direction.
So you’ll soon see a boat painting about journeying. And I am called to work with Totem Animals. It is a subject I’ve been fascinated with for more than a decade now but was afraid to tackle in my art. Afraid not to make them justice (if that makes sense), but I don’t believe in coincidence and if that Hare appeared in my Art Journal, it’s for a reason (I don’t usually do animals except Owls). So I am researching in my books, online and inside of myself.
I don’t know if that Mr Owl is done or not, he is teaching me a lot. And Mr Hare may get out of my journal to be on a painting of its own…