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I’ve been trying all my life

To separate the time

In between the having it all

And giving it up.

— Halsey

This is a quote from an interlude song on Halsey’s latest album, MANIC (which I absolutely adore, by the way). This spoke to my core immediately. Even though I don’t know fame or anything like she does, something about this rings deeply true in me. (If you wonder, the other language spoken in this song is Korean).
I am turning 36 this year. I graduated high school in France in 2003 with a baccalauréat in literature and a focus on English for five years (out of 7 years between middle school and high school). Back then, I knew exactly what I wanted to do as a career. I wanted to study psychology and become a psycho-analyst (or do research). But life decided otherwise and I kept psychology as a hobby, reading as much as I can, still today.  I took many many turns, started a lot of different studies (I will spare you the full list…) and today I need to focus on what I really want my life to look like.

~ How do I want to feel every morning when I wake up and think about the day ahead?
* Do I want to work for myself or to be employed?
~ Is it still possible to create a job that fits my desires/needs, and start from the ground up at 35?

Sharing is caring

For the past decade, I was certain I had to share my creativity and how it was so close to my inner worlds and spirituality. I don’t know how but the stupid comparison game put me in a (very) deep rabbit hole. I was also discouraged when I realized I was not selling my art as I wanted, I was not recognized much etc. Fucking ego! However, I know that my art touched people and this is all that matters to me right now: knowing that it brightened someone’s day at some point. I never wanted to be famous or anything like this but I have always dreamt of having like-minded people supporting me.
I think I missed my chance but I am becoming more and more okay with it as time passes. A lot of opportunities happened and shaped me.

What about food?

In my life, there is one thing that is constant: food and cooking. It created a bond with the closest members of my family. I started school for that but my first pregnancy cut this dream short and I had to give it up. As I said, I won’t list you the entire set of studies I have started in the course of my life but today, I still don’t know anything FOR SURE. How can you (know for sure)? This is a real question from me to you… how did you figure out your own calling? I guess this is like religion: you do not “believe” in a god (or whatever), you just “know” in your heart that this is true for you…
Today, I am taking back my foodie blog and dusting it off. I have hundreds of posts that I need to proofread and re-post. Taking better pictures and making short videos to go along.

Before immigrating to Canada, I was the creator/recipe developer/photographer/writer of a blog that became pretty big in the francophone community back then. I had partnerships with brands etc. I gave up when my daughters were little because it was too much for me. All the archives are on my computer though… I need to decide which language to focus on English and be in a see of humongous fishes, or French where I would reach maybe fewer people but have a more defined niche of people following? What do you think?

I can use what I have learned in college in order to make better videos. I want them to be short and sweet: like me 😀 I will also explore the Fraser Valley and Vancouverite food scene. Mae, my soon-to-be 16yo daughter, would like to be involved somehow so she will probably make some appearances.
So yea… this is what I will be doing now. Wish me luck 😉

“But you went back to college to learn about cinema and communication..?!”

Well, yes, I did. And even though I am not capable to do my second year and therefore graduate from this program, I have learned A LOT in the year/two semesters I was able to attend.
I still want to be involved in the entertainment industry and I am not closing that door at all. I will be filming/producing/editing videos. Signing up in an agency to get some job as an extra in whatever is filming around here sounds like a very good idea at the moment. It would give me the experience of sets etc. I am no actress but it usually does not require much so I guess I can do it. I have nothing to at least give this a try (this is one of my new mantras in life).
The material I learned in my journalism and in my advertising classes will be very useful. I know better what is involved in an ad campaign, how to grab people’s attention. There is still a lot to learn but this is part of my lifetime mission anyway.

This was definitely the right decision for me. Of course, this part of me that is broken because I have not acquired any post-secondary diploma is still there.

I am not giving up this space or the creative community. My people are here too and I truly hope you’ll accept to follow my new endeavours as well. Your support means the world to me.

2020 was shitty. Challenging. But because I do my best at trying to find the bright side of things, I decided to share with you some of the stuff that made my days brighter (and still do today).

Makeup

• Anything from ColourPop but really, this Baroque palette is just the best one EVER. Matte, shimmer, glitter… it has everything. I use some as eyeliner and just adore it. Oh and if you loved the tv show Euphoria as much as I did, they have some glitter gels that are absolutely fantastic!
• The Lip Soufflé from Rare Beauty are so comfortable. I know I know… “what’s the point of wearing lipstick when you have to have a mask on every time you step outside?!”. Well, putting some lipstick, for me, makes me feel stronger, it brings out the badass in me. Their eyeshadow palettes are very beautiful too. But my favorite from this brand is the Perfect Stroke eyeliner. Eyeliner is part of my signature look since my teenage years, let me tell you that I have tried plenty of them in the last two decades. This one is the perfect matte black, it applies over any eyeshadow I can use and it’s easy to create that winged look I adore.
• I am also loving the products from About.Face, which is Halsey’s makeup brand. It launched at the beginning of this year and her products are fairly unique. The eyeshadows are called “matte fluid eye paint” and there is no better description: it actually is like paint for your eyes that you can apply however you want, you can mix the colours to create your own. It’s just amazing.

Art Supplies

• Soft pastels, especially the ones from the british art supplies shop Jackson’s Art. There are 200 colors to choose from, they are all handmade (!!!), creamy, highly pigmented… I just discovered a new favorite supply in 2020.
• Matisse acrylic paint. It’s impossible to find them here in Canada so I order them at the same time than the soft pastels, on Jackson’s Art website. The color range is beautiful, some colors I have not found in other brands. The texture is so creamy, a real treat to use them. They exist both in heavy body (“structure“) or in fluid (“flow“) consistency.
• Dina Wakley 6×6 Journal. It is smaller than what I am used to. However, the paper is absolutely AMAZING and thick. I use it for my mixed media abstract explorations.

Books

• Any book every written by Tarryn Fisher is worth your attention. She writes about flawed character, about fierce women, about love, desolation, redemption… She published two books in 2020: The wives (who is being adaptated into a) and The wrong family.
• Halsey (yes… her again. What can I say..?) published a book of her poetry: I would leave me if I could (oooh Lord, if only I could leave me sometimes…). She writes and that’s how she began to be a song-writer as well. This book is beautiful. I wish there were some of her artwork to accompany some of the poems but I am maybe too demanding (she created the cover, by the way).
• With the fire on high, by Elizabeth Acevedo is a beautifully written story of a high school young woman finding her passion and following it even though she lives with her abuela and raises her daughter while still going to high school. It reminded me why I loved cooking in the first place and that a choice is a choice.
• The Handsome Girl & Her Beautiful Boy is a story I am still thinking about now and then, months after reading it. This story by B.T. Gottfred tells the connection shared by Zee (who everyone assumes is a lesbian) and Art (who everyone assumes is gay). Discovering who you are, accepting not to fit into what other perceives from you and navigating the tough feelings that come with it left me with a lot of emotions. It’s wonderfully written.

Music

• I won’t lie, I am smitten with the two albums Taylor Swift released, Folkore and Evermore. She is a master storyteller and this new sound rocked my world.
• For the third time (I know I know…) in this post, I have to tell you that Halsey’s album Manic is everything. It’s her first album that’s not really a concept album. Angry, sad, hopeful, in love, petty, there is such a varied range of emotions expressed in this.
• Alicia Moore, aka P!nk, is a woman I admire on many levels. She came out with various collaborations in the past year, one being with her daughter Willow. I have seen her performing live and this is an experience that made me want to become a roadie just to be part of her team 😉 Something I will never forget.
• The past year was difficult. And I have to admit that I tend to equally listen to music that will lift my mood up, AND music that will fit the sadness… that’s how I ended up discovering more songs by Gnash than the ones usually playing on the radio.
• Rag’n’bone has such a deep soulful voice… Oh, and he has a song with P!nk called Anywhere away from here that I highly suggest you give a listen.

Food/Kitchen

• Egg tarts from Saint-Germain bakery. Don’t be fooled by the store name though, they have nothing french 😀 Saint-Germain is a Canada-based award-winning bakery. They have surprisingly good pastry and savoury asian buns as well. They sell three different types of egg tarts: Portuguese (pasteis de nata), regular crust and flaky crust. My favourite ones are the regular egg tarts because the crust is buttery and does not take over the taste of the filling. I am the only one who likes them at home so I do not have to fight 😉
• Salted egg rolls snack… ok, this is very weird, I know! But now that we have so many asian stores around, I feel like I have to be more adventurous in what I test. This was a very good surprise actually. I had no idea what to expect, and it usually is the best way to go when trying something new. This is salty (duh), a little sweet, and highly addictive!
• Baek kimchi. You probably already know about that korean staple that is kimchi. “Baek” means “white” and this type of fermented food is actually older than its hot red counterpart because it was created before the chilli powder now used was introduced to Korea. This is salty, crunchy and refreshing. I eat it like a snack, I put it with rice, with other veggies… Mae (my almost 16-year-old daughter) loves it as much as I do. Next step: making it myself!
• My new Zojirushi rice cooker (I went for the NS-TSC10 model, 5.5 cups). My previous rice cooker lasted for about a decade, but it was time to throw it out and get a new one. Some people could live off only eating pasta every day, for me it is rice. The rice is fluffy and perfect every time I use it. It does not take a lot of counter space so I can live it out instead of inside a cupboard.

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I’ve been sick for a few days weeks, but I’m finally now feeling like myself again. Little by little. One day at a time.

I started to write a whole other thing after that first sentence below and then decided to erase it. It has to do with all these stories I tell to myself, and it felt old and a voice in my head told me «you need to rewrite this story you keep telling to yourself, Darling». So I listen and decided to delete it from here.

Sometimes (ok… often), I find myself comparing with other artists. Even if I know each of our paths are different and filled with different successes and challenges, I can’t help but compare. However, what is always always there is that feeling of being blessed: I do have the chance to work/ from home. I do what I love, even if I wish more of/for it.  A lot of learning since 2008 when I somehow started this creative journey I embarked on, a lot. I am forever thankful for that.

NOTE: I actually wrote these first paragraphs above in 2013 (!!!). As I am going through the 24 drafts posts currently existing on my blog, I found this and thought I could add to it.

I have not created anything since I filmed my lesson for Book Of Days, a few months ago. I am now settling down in my new space and it is smaller than the two previous studios I had. However: I do have my own space in our downsized home and that’s amazing.
On Fridays, I use to have this series of blogposts titled Gratitude Fridays and thought even though today is Monday, it would be a good moment to express gratitude.

Lately, I am thankful for:

• The weather in BC has been beautiful this week, sunshine, warmth and blue sky
• The girls still enjoy their school, crossing my fingers this will stick for the next few years
• Slowly but surely, we are making a home out of our new house
• I’m extremely busy with college classes and papers/projects but my grades are really satisfying
• My Mom got her first shot regarding the covid-19 situation
• I might take back some foodie projects I had set aside
• Sushi from the west coast (do I really need to say more?)
• I got an unexpected custom Etsy order and this makes my heart flutter
• This nice feeling of getting shit done
• I drove alone the 50 kilometres that separate our home from the YVR airport. We had to return the location vehicle and the taxi charge would have been high so yeah, I drove the rental. It was the first time I was behind the wheel all by myself for such a distance. I know I am 35 and it should be a breeze but trust me: driving is something I enjoy but that scares me a lot.
• Mae found me the Monster Papillon I have been looking for and even though I know energy drinks are no good for you… it helps on days when fibro is acting up.

I would love to support you and if you feel like it, you can share a few things you are grateful for right now and see if a shift happens in your mood <3

I am currently writing from a small Air BnB apartment¹ we are renting in Langley, BC until we have the keys to our new home (tomorrow, April 3rd!). This is a one-bedroom, we are four people plus a dog. Let me tell you: this is an everyday challenge to stay sane. And to study/attend my college Zoom classes while my husband is having meeting after meeting in the same room. We are both still working in Montreal’s timezone. It means we get up almost every morning around 5 am. Days seem to last longer than they actually do.

I am however very grateful to be back in British Columbia. For years now, I have been pondering the notion of “home”. I’ve always had this deep gut sense of being inadequate everywhere I have lived. But this is a story for another day.

Exhaustion is real…

Last year, I decided to finally take the plunge and I found a great therapist. I uncovered a lot about myself during these 9 months. I don’t regret it, even though facing some stuff I probably would have been okay with keeping buried. Our main goal was to work on my anxiety, finding its root to find the best coping mechanism-s possible for me. She then advised me to take one day at a time, one breath at a time and to “just survive today, tomorrow is not there yet“. So this is where I am right now, surviving one day at a time; accepting that nothing can/has to be perfect (at least not on the first try anyway).
My body and my soul are exhausted but I keep moving.

I have a series of questions due tomorrow regarding the movie Kinsey, by Bill Condon. This is for my philosophy class in which we focus on the concept of the Human Being. This movie is our link to the Freud concept of the human being. Days of reading about Kinsey and his sexual researches get me thinking too much… Good thing I find this fascinating. This second half of the winter semester is filled with huge group projects, exams and studies. If you can keep me in your thoughts tomorrow (Thursday, April 8th), I have another big exam in art history, regarding the Renaissance period, at 5 am my time. It’s way too early for my system to function properly on writing an essay about Renaissance art…

I know my body is yelling because I am pushing but I do feel like I do not have the luxury to slow anything down at the moment. My teenage daughters are adjusting to this comeback. My husband and I are still moving our stuff from the storage unit we are renting. The goal is: this home will be 300% a representation of who we are, for once; both individually and as a family.

1. I started this about ten days ago. I am now in our home 🙂

Heyo!

Thank you for staying around when my life went downhill for a while. I was expecting it to happen, but maybe not as much as it did.

Today is April 1st and the lovely Effy is inviting us to dust off our blogs in doing another round of Blog Along with Effy.

Today is also the day my lesson is up in her year-long class Book Of Days. It’s not too late to join us! The community and love are absolutely fantastic, everyone cheers everyone and in the current times, it feels like honey on my heart.
I strayed a bit from my usual Nixies and went a completely different road in my journal for this. This is both scary and exciting at the same time 🙂

It’s almost 8 am here in BC and my brain is foggy. So to start this month-long project, I will just unload my brain a little, maybe it will help (you can read my previous Brain Dumps right here if you’d like). In no particular order..:

• Waking up around 5 am every morning makes the days seem way longer than they actually are. Good thing I AM a morning person…
• This college semester is nothing like the first one. I wake up, study, attend Zoom classes, study, think about the exams and projects, try to rally my different teams, study…….. It is overwhelming, to say the least.
• Moving across the country SUCKS.
• I can not wait to be in our home in two days. However, the idea of emptying the storage room where our entire life resides at the moment is not something I am looking forward to (note: my husband and I will have to do it all…).
• I am excited to set up my new creative space. We have not seen our new home in person yet so we are not sure about the actual room sizes. I hope to be pleasantly surprised and no the other way around.
• Huge relief: our daughters love their new school so far (they are in grade 8 and in grade 10).
• My Mom gets her vaccine in two weeks (she lives in France).
• Exhaustion and anxiety are deep today.
• Music and books keep me sane. This is the good side of not having a TV in our bedroom where we are temporarily staying.