I am doing my best not to forget all those things I noticed while watching A star is born. How great would it be if there was a way to dictate thoughts into a document on the computer, so I could be able to go back to it later? Whatever, that’s not the point.
I am writing this in my diary first, while we have yet another power outage here; writing it on paper so it stays warm and bubbly right after seeing the movie in the theater. I won’t spoil the story for anyone who hasn’t watched it, but I could not not feel some parallel with my own life.
Living in constant pain, yet no one can see it if they don’t know me. Having some huge dreams, but just scratching their surface for so many reasons (so many). Coping as well as possible. And more importantly: being reminded of why I create.
This part of the movie stuck with me all along:
Jack: Look, talent comes everywhere, but having something to say and a way to say it so that people listen to it, that’s a whole other bag. And unless you get out and you try to do it, you’ll never know. …
Ally: Yeah, I do. I don’t like it, but I understand it.
Jack: Oh, I think you like it a little bit.
I create because I know I have a voice. Because I have my own ways of expressing it, a way unique to me as your voice is personal. And of course, you do too.
I paint, I write (rarely publicly), I create melodies in my head. I see the beauty where others only notice the ordinary.
I tried to tame that voice of mine, to only use it with parsimony because fear was louder. But in the end, it always makes itself know. With hindsight, I realized that silencing my stories was stupid. Because whatever it is I decide to share with you, it is someone needing it, even one person. I shut myself out of expressing these things, tried to keep it at bay… But it always makes a comeback. Always.
One of my mantras is simple: “I have nothing to lose, so I will at least try”. Putting myself out there is scaring the shit out of me, even after all those years of making videos and vlogs and teaching online.
I cried not only because part of it was sad *I am announcing a trigger warning regarding the end of the movie* but mostly because it embodied so much of what I know is true. Losing yourself to please others and be seen.