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Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

Oh my gosh. It is crazy how each week is different when being the same too. Does it make sense?
As part of being Unapologetic as a guiding force, and thanks to the Six Moons School of Alena Hennessy, I feel more in power of my creative career. Rome was not built overnight, nor is my career. I believe I am finding ways of being seen, of showcasing what I do in better ways. I am seeing results, and it makes me happy.

This week, I am thankful for:

• My husband being my rockstar
• Being asked to be part of a cool new project, more info next week
• Having asked for what I need
• Daily creative practice
• Books, always
• Having finished a painting I was really excited about
• You, who read what I have to share and/or take some time to comment
• Sunshine
• P!no new album is out today!
• Loving cooking meals for my family
• Seeing my bullshit for what it is, and working on it

Soundtrack for this week:

Today, I feel scattered. I also feel like the living paradox that I am and so I will just dump what crosses my mind on this fine Saturday morning, at around 7:15am.
I started writing in my journal, as everyday. But my hand/arm still hurt and I have to take breaks. Typing hurts less so here we go.

On my brain, in no specific order:

❍ I am thankful that our teen daughter is spending a few days in New York Cities with her school (and her BFF). But I won’t lie: I have never been and feel a pang of envy that she is currently doing all the things I do dream of, too… Can’t wait for her to come back and tell us all about it! She deserves the break in what is a stressful school year for her.

❍ I wonder what I am doing wrong in my sharing of my artwork, or what I create in general. I *know* in my bones that it is not completely shitty, that it could reach the people who need the Nixie or the messages. However, it is not happening. And it breaks my heart to have so many paintings sitting on my shelves, waiting to be loved.

❍ I love homemade food better than the processed one. I wish my nervous system was not misleading my brain (hooray for Fibromyalgia) so I could feed my family better, more often anyway. I am teaching my daughters how to cook. For many reasons: because that is what the women in my family did. Because if I did not know how to cook, I would have been an even bigger mess as a kid and teen who spent so much meals alone. Because once they leave our home, I want them to know how to take care of themselves, and cooking is caring.

❍ I care for people. I love people but they scare the shit out of me. Even my closest friends. I am tired of reaching out sometimes, though. I wish that once in a while, I would be the one people check in with. Just to know that it is not one-ended. A “I think of you, how are you doing?” is fine. I am an introvert with social anxieties; but I am an introvert who needs a close knit of friends. And I don’t have that here. It hurts to feel lonely.

❍ I can’t enroll at the University of Montréal in the program I wanted (Nutrition) and I am bummed. So now, I am finding a Plan B, a plan C and all the way to the Z…

❍ I want to be better at filming, and at editing. So I will be shooting more and editing more. It is another way to share what’s in my head. How I see the world. And hell, how I even see myself!

❍ Since I am a teenager, I wanted to publish my words. I have had this inception of a mémoir started for years now. Ideas swimming around. But the same voice keeps telling me: “who on Earth would care about what you have to share?! yup: nobody!”. So I stop everytime I start.

On a lighter note…

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

Another Friday is here. How was your week? I hope it was filled with little nuggets of Joy. Collect them preciously, so the memory is then when you need it.

This week, I am thankful for:

• Warmer temperatures
• The opportunity our daughter has to spend a few days in New York City
• Honesty
• Seeing the glass half-full most of the time
• My aligners
• The beautiful unique and meaningful artisanal ring I received from Katie, aka StarNative.
• Books tackling difficult subjects
• Daily creativity
• It was a pain in this ass but I was able to take my first bath in two weeks
• My back feeling less hurtful

Soundtrack for this week:

My longtime friends might remember that I used to be a very very negative person. It was not on purpose, but I used to always see the glass half empty. I used to be prepared for any bad road something could take (just in case, you know…). Until not these many years ago, I complained about something. I can see it with hindsight now, I must have been one hell of a person to be around (and is probably why I lost everyone in 2003, as friends and family ditched me all at the same time), reaching rock bottom.
I won’t thank them for putting me through Hell. But I understand how they did what was best for them. And you know what? I talk to most of them years after. I did not forget, the hurt is still there, but I forgave…
At 33 years old, going on 34, I have learned to accept this part of me that finds it easier to see everything through a negative lens. I know part of my Essence is made of the same Spleen that filled Baudelaire; but also that it is not the entirety of who I am.

And this is by reaching the bottom that the possibility to rise above appeared.

Yes. When I think about it, I often picture myself in a very deep pool, sinking deeper and deeper… sometimes I see myself just there, at the bottom, in the water… until something shifts and I tap my foot to get above. Rising. I am always rising, eventually. I was talking on the phone with my Mom this morning, about my career choices and she told me: “you’re like me, resilient. And belligerent. I know you will figure it out. I just know it.” and it felt good to hear.

A few years ago (2015?), I decided it was time to invest in myself and to find my people. I was in Hannah Marcotti‘s «Magic Making Circle» class. In this class, Hannah put the emphasis on the art of flipping. You take a negative thought that is bothering you, and then you find a way to switch it to something positive.
This is something I try to teach my daughter. Something I wish I knew how to do when I was a teenager.

It is not easy work. There is no switch you can pull so it magically shifts. But I do believe that the magic resides in the process as much as in the positive outcome.

We hear everywhere that there is no light without darkness. I say a big FUCK IT to this. Yes.
I am a big believer of the power of positive thinking and of wishful thinking. However, don’t tell me my life can change just because I desire it. With experience, I now know that desire without concrete action is nothing but energy put to waste.

How art helps me shift

I will usually take refuge within my art journal. Between the covers, I feel safe to express whatever needs to be addressed. I can do whatever I want without the need to share everything. I let the pain, the hurt, the anxiety go within layers upon layers of paint.
Also, creating my Nixies is a huge relief in general. They are not planned out. I learned to surrender to my emotions as soon as I step inside my ArtCave. I sometimes start simply by stating something like “Please, help me release XXX through what I will be creating today” and let it go. My most precious artwork was born from a deep place of darkness…

Happy Sunday!
I feel like this blogpost will go well with my Soul Whisper (eh, I am going all in with this one in 2019!). I will be sharing 10 things about me. You might or might not know that about who I am, I am curious to know how many you are actually aware of 😉
Okay… here goes:

10 things about me:

1. I got my first tattoo when I was 16 years old. My Mom gave her consent after I went ballistic about it for more than two years. And she was in the room, bombarding the artist about hygiene question, the whole process. I now have seven tattoos. It is not the end of it though!
2. I got married at 19 years old. My husband actually proposed to me after 2 weeks of being together, but he officially asked my Mom after that. We are still much in love after nearly 16 years together.
3. I started my studies to become a psychoanalyst, to be a cooking chef, to be a French ASL teacher and a French/English translator. I finished none of those. That’s my one regret in life.
4. I suffer from misophonia. The fact that there is a name for that shitty thing that put my Mom and me in many fights over shared meals proved I was not crazy…
5. I started art journaling in 2008 and mixed media around 2009. But first, I was creating home décor with collage and textured stuff.
6. I was raised Catholic, went to Bible studies and got as far as the Confession. But a major life event threw me off the Catholic wagon. Then, I turned to Buddhism, and I discovered Wicca when I was around 12 and it shifted my perspective on life and on Humanity. I used to hide it from my Mom but once she knew, she was cool with it as long as I drew protection before every magical action. I created a forum dedicated to white magic that became quite big in the francophone community. Now, I am not a Wiccan but a regular Witch with a belief system of her own…
7. Dirty under nails gross me out. I am a messy mixed media artist, so…
8. I am obsessed with the Moon and anything happening in the Sky and outside of Earth.
9. One of my love languages is giving and receiving gifts. If I offer something to you, don’t doubt it comes from a place of deep appreciation.
10. I started writing in a diary since I was 7 years old. I still do my best to write every day but do not feel awful if a few days pass without it. It is partly how I process. I have had this Mémoir idea since I was 23… When my daughters ask questions about my past, I often tell them “the answer is in one of my diaries… you will know once I’m dead” 😉

Tell me something about you that could surprise me