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Hello again Earthlings…

Lately, something has been on my mind and I thought I would share it with you. In the past few months, my family has faced huge traumas that I won’t detail here and now. Things that we don’t have any control over except for how we react to them. And this shit is HARD. Feeling helpless in what can actually be done…
However, I want to take these events as a lesson for the future. Trust me, I used to be living by the mantra “everything happens for a reason“. But in hindsight, I now firmly believe that this statement is full of bullshit… I approach life differently now. As if the lens through which I see the world shifted somehow. If only we did not have to experience these to be able to change, but eh… it is what it is.
Even though this does NOT make these events okay, not even for a second. I will never find excuses for the poor behaviour of others. I realize that most people do not seem to think of the consequences of their actions. This truth pisses me out so much.

Bless their heart

It would be too easy to hate on people. Hate is as powerful as Love, isn’t it… Then again, takes a lot of energy. And what I do with my own energy is only up to me. I was furiously enraged after the said events. I could have hurt somebody, to be honest. Instead, I decided to direct my energy in other manners. We reached out to people who could help. I put my witchy hat on and took on my to do an entire energetic cleanse of our home (and ourselves).
I bless those who hurt me and/or my loved ones. Just a little prayer.

Okay okay… if nothing works, I do freeze them out. Yes, literally. Their names+water+ziploc bag in the back of the freezer. Works well 😉

I am doing my best to use this push from Effy to blog every day this month.
September is my birthday month and for once, I am tackling it differently.
I really hope you’ll find nuggets of interesting things in my words and in what I share. I love reading your comments.
Thank you for being here.

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

This is the last week before life comes back to its “normal”, meaning: back to school for our two daughters.
We moved back to the same city we lived for four years prior to what I now call “Our Québec experiment” so they knew kids etc. My husband and I decided not to continue with the francophone schoolboard. We picked a school that was the right choice for them. Again, I try to focus on the good instead of all the shit our youngest went through.

For this month of September, I want to do my best to bring back my Gratitude Friday Ritual. I hope this will help you as well. knowing that this is not avoiding the truth but that we can still find beauty.

This week, I am thankful for:

• Halsey new album: If I can’t have love, I want power. The songs are just…. and the film she created to accompany was simply beautiful. I am thankful both my daughters went to the theater to experience it with me.
• My husband.
• The conversations with my best friend of 18 years. How she brings the best of me by asking the right questions.
• New books.
• New friends.
• Creative inspiration is making a come back, but I need to take action to meet it halfway.
• Editing videos, even though this is for a new adventure I am starting (or coming back to would be more accurate). If you’re interested, you can check my second youtube channel, Nova’s Kitchen.
• Herbal help for my anxiety and other shit (yes, I am talking about weed).

This sentence will become one of my future tattoos. I knew it the first time I heard it in the song “Bells of Santa Fe” by Halsey. Sometimes, when you know, you know.

Trigger warning: death & suicidal ideations.

I am currently pushing writing this blog post as far as possible in my to-do list. Words can be scary to me. You might find this weird or maybe this sounds familiar to you. I have been a diary keeper since I was 7 years old when my Godmother gifted me my first journal.

For days now, I have been feeling the tears swell up at the bottom of my eyes for no apparent reason. I know better, though: there is always a reason. My throat is closing up as well… For the past couple of years, except for when I was in therapy weekly, I have been coping by simply ignoring my shit.
If you’ve read me here that I have been struggling with depression since I was a teenager. At the time, I refused to acknowledge it. Therefore, I also refused to see a professional (no matter how insistent my loving Mom was about it).

Opening my eyes

When I started therapy in 2020, I was going through a shit ton of challenges (I still am). My therapist helped me uncover some trauma. She also helped me deal with the negative coping mechanisms I have been piling them on top of each other. Surprisingly, it is too easy for me to push issues away and just go on with life. I learned that this is not as good as it sounds though. Specifically because everything gets buried within and creates more damage in the long run. It’s the first time a medical expert officially told me I was neurodivergent. Then, she explained thoroughly that I was not “abnormal” as I felt like I was. Seeing it as a gift instead of focusing on the negative side of being different, of never ever fitting in. It took me more than two decades to be okay with myself. To see that what I thought were flaws were actually positive. One example… Thinking in arborescence means that yes, I get easily lost in my train of thoughts. However, it also means that I usually see all the possible outcomes of a situation. I also have a hard time focusing on a task but once I start, I am unstoppable.
Even though I would not commit suicide per se, I am what they call passively suicidal. This is as dangerous. It means that I don’t care enough about my life. That I would completely be okay with dying in an accident and events like this. Do I want to die? no. Would I mind if I did? nope…

I’m falling again…

As I said, with time I became pretty good at noticing when I am spiralling down again. But this is one of these instances when knowing does not change much if actions are not taken. I am starting to believe that I should write down a step-by-step guide for myself. Have something I can refer to when feeling lost and when the motivation is completely absent.
I feel myself sliding away. As if I could see myself from outside, a witness to who I’ve become in the last year and a half. And I hate that person with passion.
I am lucky enough to have a husband that knows me. Plus, we built our relationship on trust and honesty. So when he tells me that he noticed I was acting distant; that I was dressing the same way I used to (when I was at my lowest ten years ago)… I believe him. Sometimes (often), I just wish I was invisible. But the INFJ/Virgo in me also craves to be seen and loved and cared for.
I wish there was an easy recipe to follow to switch my brain off. I envy those persons who just seem to be content all the time.

Today, I know I am under the current wave. I am doing my best to take one day at a time. I realize that it is often the only way to continue living. One day at a time. One thought at a time. One issue at a time…

I am doing my best to use this push from Effy to blog every day this month.
September is my birthday month and for once, I am tackling it differently.
I really hope you’ll find nuggets of interesting things in my words and in what I share. I love reading your comments.
Thank you for being here.

Mae, my eldest girl, turned 16 last week… It brings a lot of emotions to know that she is now closer to being an adult than still remaining a kiddo.
Being a Mom (of 2 girls) brings plenty of different feelings. When you’re pregnant, you are excited and scared of the unknown. Your heart is full of “I will be THIS type of Mom. I won’t do the same mistakes my own Mom did with me” etc etc. and then this new being arrives and changes everything you thought would happen. Often for even better than you had in mind. Your heart expands so much with this new kind of love that you feel it could explode out of its cage.

But this is NOT all rainbows and butterflies.

I wish I had known more about the hard stuff that would come with the job description. Because no matter what people tell you: this is a 24/7 thing that you can’t change your mind about (well… I guess some people do). I wish someone would have told me: “your heart probably will break into billions of tiny shards that won’t make one ever again, too“.  Would have I changed my mind? I don’t think so. I was almost 20 when I welcomed Mae into our life; she decided she was ready before my body was though. My labour was induced the day I entered my 9th month after three weeks of my water leaking for no apparent reason.
Being a mother shatters me like nothing else has the power to. It fucks me up more than I care to admit. It creates trauma that needs to be addressed. I noticed that parenthood is often portrayed as this big wonderful thing but let me tell you: there are days I wonder: please someone remind me why did I want this?

Becoming a parent means that you have to understand that the child you bring to the world does not belong to you. This is a whole person, that you will influence (whether you are aware of it or not). A whole person who needs to learn and to know it’s okay to make mistakes.
Even on the harder days, when I feel like this is all too much to bear, I know nothing is a coincidence. I know these two Souls picked me and their Dad in this earthly experience for a reason and this makes me proud somehow.

After 16 years of being a mother, I keep wondering how can a heart take this all in without bursting. But what if our heart, as a parent (Mom or Dad) does open wide but aches when a new life is welcomed? Watching them grow, become their own person, know heartbreaks of their own, victories, challenges… Being there no matter how mad they can make me; this love has no condition.
I apologize if this is going all over the place but this is difficult to put out in the world and into words. Maybe this is why the majority only decides to share the pretty side of parenthood?

I am doing my best to use this push from Effy to blog every day this month.
September is my birthday month and for once, I am tackling it differently.
I really hope you’ll find nuggets of interesting things in my words and in what I share. I love reading your comments.
Thank you for being here.

Welcome to this new Gratitude Friday! Feel free to share with me your (partial or full) gratitude moments in the comments; that way I can hold joy for you ✿ (you know that makes me happy to make you happy).

I know I have been absent almost everywhere online. These past couple of months have been really difficult on a personal level. I usually deal by simply going silent… so this is exactly what I’ve done.
I have however been reading others 🙂 I know that silence is not the way to go, but this is what I know best and at least, this is not a hurtful coping mechanism.

Today, I am grateful for:

• Having scored tickets to see the Imax Halsey’s movie If I can’t have love, I want power.
• Having health insurance that covers treatments like acupuncture and naturopathy.
• Friends, old and new.
• The hummingbirds paying a visit to my flowers on a regular basis.
• Seeing the positive changes in one of my closest loved one.
• My oldest daughter finally being in Summer break after having to attend a math class at summer school.
• New music from artists I love (hello Billie Eilish and soon Halsey’s new album).
• Being able to rest when I need to (I won’t lie: this is still a struggle not to feel lazy).
• My husband who surprised me by ordering the Insta360 Go2 camera! I can’t wait to experiment and have fun with it 🙂
• Nourishment, whatever form it takes.
• Books, carving daily time to get lost in stories.

What about you? I invite you to share what you’re currently grateful for in the comments. There is power in sharing and holding space for each other.